For Moms Only

Closing the Gap Book Review

2010-11-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

This book is written for parents and teenagers to read together. For once, you'll be on the same page! Don't despair if your teen (or parent) won't read this book with you. There's lots you can do to improve the relationship on your own.

I love the advice Jay gives to both parents and teens in the introduction
“Teens: If you want something from your parents, you won't get it by rebelling. You will get it as soon as you start talking to your parents and not a minute sooner.

Parents: If you want something from your teen, you won't get it by being a totalitarian dictator. Communication and mutual participation are the key. So turn off the television, unplug the earphones, and start working on forming a bond as a family.”

But just how do you talk to your teenager when he only grunts in reply to your questions? That's what CLOSING the Gap explains. Jay also emphasizes that teenagers need their parents time and active involvement in their lives in order to stay out of trouble and to develop to their full potential.

The book switches back and forth from addressing the parents to addressing the teens. I felt that the book would have flowed better if it were divided into two distinct sections – one for parents and one for teens.

Closing the Gap : A Strategy For Bringing Parents And Teens Together
also dispels common myths that sabotage the relationship between parents and teens. A few of the myths that the book tackles are
“My parents have no idea what it's like to be a teenager.”, 'You can't fix your teen.' and 'My parents control my life.'

Jay also encourages parents to stick with their teenager no matter how much they want to throw in the towel. He shares a formula for reconnecting parents and teens that works equally well for both parties.

He offers parents this great advice “Remember that parenting is not a popularity contest. You are not doing this to get votes for Parent of the Year. Don't give your teen what she wants, give her what she needs.”

The chapters “Discovering Your Needs” and “Tuning into the needs of others” had me wishing that someone had taught me this way back when I was still a teenager. It would have certainly made things a lot easier.”

After reading Closing the Gap the first time from the library, I purchased a copy for myself and my teenage daughter and I would encourage you to do the same.

Your teenager might also enjoy these books:

Born To Fly Book Review

2010-10-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

Born to Fly is very different from other parenting books that I've read. The focus of most other parenting books is how to get your child to do more of what you want – eat his peas, do his homework, stop fighting with his siblings and so on.

Born to Fly: How to Discover & Encourage Your Child's Natural Gifts, on the other hand, focuses on your child and helps you to see him as a unique person with his own strengths and weaknesses.

The rest of the book goes on to help parents identify their child's strengths and weaknesses. Then it helps parents to build on the strengths.

Born to Fly: How to Discover & Encourage Your Child's Natural Gifts is filled with delightful, fun illustrations and is very easy to read. After reading the first section of the book, I realized that much of what we misconstrue as misbehavior stems from misunderstanding your child's unique personality and temperament.

If you associate discipline with punishment, then you're very wrong. Thom says that discipline means teaching and correction and not punishment.

A common mistake that stems from this misconception is that parents punish a child when he's made a mistake, rather than providing guidance and loving correction. For example, spanking a child who has spilled his juice, instead of teaching him how to clean up and be more careful next time.

Thom says that discipline is only required for willful misbehavior, notfor innocent mistakes.

Choices are part of everyday life, from the cereal your child eats for breakfast to the clothing that he wears. In order to be an achiever your child needs to know how to make good choices. Born to Fly shows you how to guide your child through the decision making process and how to encourage your child to make the right decisions.

“Smart decisions balance what a person wants done with what ought to be done.” says Thom.

I loved the book and its message – Appreciate your children for the unique people that they are instead of trying to mold them into your idea of perfection. The copy that I reviewed was lent from the library.

You may also enjoy:
How to Sucessfully Develop Your Children's Unique Potential (Turning Point Library, 4)

Writer Mama Book Review

2010-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful little book aimed specifically for busy moms who want to be freelance writers or book authors. It shows you how to balance the myriad responsibilities of motherhood with the long-term and short-term goals you have as a writer.

It's chock full of great ideas for improving every aspect of your writing. Ii is also the perfect size for slipping into your bag and is very attractively presented.

It has been divided into 4 main sections :
PREPARATION: In this section you learn more about the attitudes and tools that successful mommy writers use and how to adapt them for your unique style of writing.

PRACTICE: This section shows you how to build your basic writing skills and is filled with lots of helpful tips on writing anything from full-length articles to essays. You will also learn how to submit your work with a basic cover letter. This chapter was very useful to me as a fledgling freelancer.

PROFESSIONALISM: Here you will learn how to query for assignments and when to send a query letter instead of a cover letter as well as how to complete longer assignments without losing your balance.

POISE: If you've ever wanted to be a well respected and recognized author then this chapter is definitely for you. This chapter will show you how to develop yourself and your talents so that you become recognized by agents and editors alike.

All in all this is a wonderful book for all writer mama's out there. No matter how experienced you are you are bound to learn something from this fabulous book.

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The Happy Family Book Review

2010-08-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

When I saw the title of the book at the local library, I knew I had to borrow it to read, learn from and of course, share with other parents.

The book is written by an Australian couple, Ken & Elizabeth Mellor and covers all aspects of healthy child development. It is both well thought out and well written.

Here's a taste of what's inside the pages of this slim volume:-
Chapter 1 “Your Job As A Parent” covers the 6 basic tasks all parents need to perform in order to prepare their children for adulthood.

They then go on to cover the 7 ingredients of being a successful person.
I felt that they also addressed the quality time versus quantity time debate very well.

Ken and Elizabeth also encourage parents to follow their own God-given instincts when it comes to their children rather than always relying on the 'experts'.

Have you ever opened your mouth and heard the words of your mother of father come out? Then you'll know that the way you parent today is influenced by the way you were parented and the family dynamics of your childhood.

Happy Family discusses common dysfunctional family patterns that could make you a less than functional parent. They then go on to offer suggestions for altering your own childhood programming so that you can become a better parent to your children.

You are encouraged to think through the patterns that are occurring in your family today, as well, by answering a list of twenty questions. I worked through the list and became aware of many issues that I was neglecting.

The chapter on “Balancing work and Family” deals with the pressures and challenges facing parents today and how best to deal with them.

The Happy Family
has something I haven't come across in other parenting books - How to successfully co-parent your children with your spouse/partner. It shows you how to overcome differences and how to form a successful, cohesive and powerful parenting unit.

I was also introduced to a technique called 'Grounding'. This is a way to calm kids who are upset and overexcited. There's also an entire chapter on how to teach your children to relax, a skill that is becoming increasingly important in the stressful world we live in.

If your child is pushing your hot buttons, Ken & Elizabeth will show you how to stay in control and how to manage your anger in a constructive manner.

All in all this is a great book. I've read many parenting books, but I've learned so much from this one. If you are serious about having a Happy Family, then I encourage you to pick up this book.

You may also want to read:

Moms Town Book Review

2010-06-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

I love Life Makeover Type books and enjoy working through one every few months. But most of these books had sections that didn't apply to me as a stay at home mom. What drew me to the Moms Town book was that it is a lifestyle makeover designed specifically for stay at home moms.

Moms Town is divided into ten chapters and you have to work through 1 section a week. There's quite a bit to do in one chapter so you might want to spread it over a longer period of time. I worked on one chapter every fortnight.

It's perfect for Moms who want to make the most of their role as stay at home moms but are also sometimes left wondering "Is this all there is?" It's also great for moms who want to start a home based business or a way to make some extra cash from home.

Authors Mary Goulet and Heather Reider say "Staying at home doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold while you raise your children. Your growth and your children's growth is not mutually exclusive. If you've already lost some of your spunk to the doldrums of grocery shopping, dropping 'em off and picking 'em up, and scrubbing yet another juice stain out of the carpet, all you need is some help breaking the spin cycle. We have good news: You've picked up the right book. Using the MomsTown Program, you are going to figure out what those desires are."

A quiz in the beginning helps you to figure out just where you stand and exactly what areas of your life need a makeover.

Mary and Heather use the acronym GAL throughout the book - GAL stands for Get A Life. "Throughout our program we use the acronym GAL, for Get A Life, to describe the transformation that happens when a mom has her own life, pursues her own passions in addition to raising her children. Gals have it all. It's that simple. A Gal becomes her own person - outside the identity of being a stay at home mom (SAHM). Getting a life means finding your passion, your dreams, making it through your daily routine with more energy and confidence. In the process, you become a MomsTown Gal."

I loved the GAL Truths - 10 Truths all Stay at Home Moms must ask if they are going to be successful. It's great to know that it's not greedy or selfish to want more money, because money buys freedom and privilege. Other GAL truths include "To get more time, get busy." and "You can have it all, you just can't do it all."

They say and I quote "You can have it all; you just can't do it all. Even though we have the ability to do many things at once, we don't have the ability to do everything. Accepting help is not an admission of failure. It's being smart enough to to recognize your own limitations. It's true that someone else might not do things exactly the way you would, but at least those things are getting done. Delegation is the key, and you don't have to control everything all the time. Delegate to your husband and children."

Week by week I worked through different aspects of my life. I did everything from throw away my frumpy sweats and unflattering clothing to focusing on and finding my passions to exploring what sort of home based business would best suit me. I even organized my home, tackled paper clutter, re-started an exercise program and reconnected with my husband. Even though I felt that some areas of the makeover were skimpy and didn't provide enough detail, overall it was excellent and covered all major aspects of my life as a stay at home mom. I would highly recommend it to all stay at home moms and work at home moms. In fact, I think even working moms will benefit from this great well-thought out book.

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Your 6 Main Responsibilities As A Mom

2010-05-07T23:03:00.000-07:00

In order to be an effective mom, there are 6 basic areas that you need to focus on.
1. Keep Your Children Safe.
This is the primary task during the early years. I’ve heard a child development expert say that your main job during the toddler and preschool years is to ‘stop them from killing themselves.’ In the first few years you have to worry about the dangers of drowning, sharp objects, poisoning, falling, stranger danger and so on.

In later years, you have to worry about keeping them away from drugs, alcohol, bad friends, and sexually transmitted diseases etc.

2. The second responsibility is giving your child the skills needed to live healthy, happy lives. This encompasses good nutrition, healthy living habits, exercise and forming good relationships with others.

3. The third important task of parenting is providing your child with the life-skills needed to succeed. This encompasses manners, reading, writing, cooking, laundry, balancing a checkbook and a host of other skills needed to function well in the modern world.

4. The fourth task that you need to perform in order to be an effective parent is to stay involved throughout all the different stages of childhood. From all animals, humans have the longest period of dependence. Parents need to be actively involved until kids have reached adulthood.

5. The fifth responsibility of effective parents is that you need to take care of yourself. You can’t care for your loved ones properly if you don’t make self-care a priority.

6. The sixth responsibility of effective parents is that you, not the kids, need to be in charge.

Home By Choice Book Review

2010-05-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

Reading this book made me feel like I was talking to an older and wiser friend. Donna Otto writes this book from a Christian perspective, which some readers may feel uncomfortable or turn them off altogether.

Donna wisely points out that nobody, not even the most highly trained and paid professional nanny or babysitter can raise your child as well as you can. And she provides the research to back up her claims.

Donna makes a rather compelling case against daycare and backs it up with study after study. This book will probably make working mothers feel extremely guilty but Donna acknowledges that and says that "God has given us the emotion of guilt to redirect us."

The book takes a detailed and in-depth look at how your life will change when you make the transition from working mom to stay at home mom and she offers advice and suggestions on how to best cope. There's also some sound advice on how to deal with criticism from your boss, co-workers, family members and friends with regards to your decision to become a stay at home mom. There are also many useful tips on personal goal setting as it applies to stay at home moms. And if you're concerned about losing your personal identity once you give up your job, Donna offers some great advice and support as well.

There was also an unexpected section on dressing well (I agree, no frumpy sweats!)

The section on time-management was also full of great advice. And Donna shared some old-fashioned (but great) advice on both marriage and parenting. I found the chapter on organization really useful, even though I consider myself to be quite organized.

If money is an issue (and it almost always is!) then there's a section devoted to making money from home. It's rather basic but it does point you in the direction of other resources if you would like to pursue this avenue further.And the chapter on saving money helps you to stretch your money even further.

Even though I didn't particularly like the overtly Christian flavor to the book, I found it to be well worth the read. The copy I read and reviewed was borrowed from my local public library.

You might also like to read:

A Day In The Mind Of Your Defiant Child

2010-05-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

A Day in the Mind of Your Defiant Child

by James Lehman, MSW

If you’re the parent of a defiant child, you’ve probably wondered what makes him so angry at life—and angry at you. With the school year approaching, are you gearing up for another difficult year with your child, just hoping that he’ll make it through—and that you’ll be able to manage without falling apart? Realize that it doesn’t have to be a daily battle of wills once you understand what’s actually going on in your child’s head. Here, James Lehman MSW breaks down some of your child’s thinking on a typical school day.

Although it may feel like your defiant child hates you, that’s usually far from the truth.

It’s another day and another battle. The alarm goes off, and your child yells, “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair!” He hasn’t done his homework (again) because, as he sees it, the teacher didn’t explain the assignment to him. He adds, “Besides, my teacher is a jerk, and she doesn’t like me, anyway.” You find yourself yelling, “Hurry, you’re going to miss the bus,” but instead of getting ready, now your child is dragging his feet and shouting, “Leave me alone!” As on countless other days, he misses the bus and starts pleading with you for a ride to school, saying, “You don’t want me to be late, do you, Mom?” Before he gets out of the car, he reacts to your speech about trying harder tomorrow by screaming, “All right, get off my back. Why are you always yelling at me?” and slams the door. At school, he gravitates to the wrong group of friends and goofs off in class; even worse, he talks back to the teacher instead of paying attention. When he comes home in the afternoon, he grunts at you before getting onto his video games (you think they’re way too violent, but he loves them) listens to music which you find offensive, and talks openly about admiring people who are crooks and criminals. That night, you know your child is probably going to stay up until all hours playing more of those video games you can’t stand, but you’re so tired of fighting with him that you just fall into bed exhausted.

As a parent, you live this kind of situation every day when you have a defiant or “difficult” kid, but have you ever wondered what’s going on in your child’s head when he’s fighting with you? Although it may feel like he hates you, that’s usually far from the truth. Rather, kids get caught up in a long chain of what we call “thinking errors” that can tangle up their emotions and behavior—and make no mistake, unless they get help, thinking errors can dominate a person’s thought processes throughout their entire lives.

Here’s how some of the thinking errors used by the child above break down—and what you can do to challenge these faulty ways of thinking in your own child.

Thinking Error #1: “School sucks. Why do I have to go? It’s not fair.”

What It Means: One of the thinking errors this child is using is called “Injustice.” Realize that many kids see things as being unfair. The danger is that once they label something as “not fair” they feel like they don’t have to follow the rules or honor your expectations. This is pretty common in our society. If you’re on the turnpike and the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour, you’ll see many people going sixty-five and seventy. It’s because they think fifty-five miles an hour isn’t fair—and once they decide it’s not fair, then in their minds, the speed limit rules don’t apply to them.

We all use thinking errors to justify doing things we know are risky or unhealthy. People use errors every day to gamble, lie, steal and cheat—or simply to justify having that second helping of pie. The problem is when kids use thinking errors to avoid taking responsibility. When they do this, they’re not realistically preparing for the adult world which awaits them. Remember, it’s not what the thinking error does—it’s what the thinking error justifies or permits.

What You Can Do: It’s important for you as a parent to challenge the error in thinking in a non-confrontational way. One thing the mother in our example could have said was, “You know school is your responsibility. If you don’t get up, you’re going to get an earlier bedtime. And it looks to me like you need to get more rest so you can get up on time.”

Thinking Error #2: “The Teacher is a jerk—and she hates me.”

What It Means: When a child says something like this, he’s using a thinking error called “The Victim Stance”. Some kids see themselves as victims all the time and in almost every situation. What they’re doing is trying to reject the idea that they’re responsible for anything. You’ll ask them a question and they’ve always got a sad story. Part of that sad story is who they blame for not meeting their responsibilities. That’s because when you’re a victim, you blame other people. So these kids blame the teacher, they blame you, or they blame somebody else—and what they learn is if they stick to their story long enough, they won’t be held accountable.

What I try to tell parents is that there is a sad story, and then there’s a behavior story. The sad story is your child playing the victim; the behavior story is what your child did to other people or to property. And as parents, we always have to focus on the behavior story. Every child has to be responsible for the behavior story, not the sad story. Don’t forget, when kids see themselves as victims, that gives them the justification they need to not meet their responsibilities. If you’re a victim, they reason, you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And focusing on the sad story somehow supports their right not to meet responsibilities.

What You Can Do: When your child adopts the Victim Stance, what he needs to be hearing from you is, “You’re not a victim. You’re responsible for your actions.” In this case, the parent could also say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your teacher for not having your homework done. But you’re the homework-doer—that’s your responsibility. And it’s not your teacher’s job to get along with you; it’s your job to get along with your teacher.”

Thinking Error #3: “You don’t want me to be late for school, do you?”

What It Means: This is the thinking error I call "Concrete Transactions". The Concrete Transactions mode is a way of thinking about things in which relationships with people in authority are simply vehicles your child uses to get around the rules. What he is saying is, “I’m your friend, and since I’m your friend, you’re going to help me get away with things—or help me get things I’m not entitled to.” So in your child’s mind, relationships are designed to help him get around rules, expectations and responsibilities. In other words, he thinks, “If I have a relationship with you, then you won’t make me follow the rules. You’re going to let me stay up past bedtime and sleep late in the morning.” So to your child, rules and the rights of others are seen as obstacles in relationships. The use of “Concrete Transactions” is designed to make you remove those obstacles instead of helping your child develop the problem solving skills he needs to manage the challenges he faces.

Know that if you’re in this kind of relationship with your child, you’re not really a person—you’re a role. Simply put, your child will treat you the right way as long as you stay in your role. If you try to leave it and be more responsible and hold your child accountable, you will often get a very nasty reaction.

By the way, whenever I hear parents say they want to be their kid’s friend, I become concerned. If parents want a friend, they should seek it outside of the home or get a puppy. These kids don’t need their parents to be their friends. They need direction, limits, coaching, teaching and structure. Look at it this way: if you define friendship as a mutual relationship where two people really try to take care of each other, then the best way to be your child’s friend is by being an effective parent.

What You Can Do: It’s important that children face the true consequences of their behavior. And when an authority figure such as a parent or teacher lets them off the hook, it doesn’t matter what they say to the child to justify it. As far as the child’s concerned, it works: He won.

In the example above, I would suggest that if possible, and if it’s safe, the mother should leave her child at home. Most kids complain about going to school, but they have no place else to go. And remember, if you leave him home, take the video game, cable box and computer control panel with you in the trunk of your car—and don’t forget his cell phone.

Thinking Error #4: “This video game is cool. Mom doesn’t know what she’s talking about—she’s so uptight.”

What It Means: This child is using a thinking error called “Pride in Negativity”. Defiant kids often take a lot of pride in their knowledge of unhealthy, secretive things. They have a fascination with negative role models because they see them as being powerful. These kids might hint at having a secretive, negative life. They may also take great pride in telling you that they know about different drugs and where to get them, and in their knowledge of crime—and how to shoplift and steal.

Kids who have low self esteem and no way to solve problems will gravitate towards peers who don’t expect anything out of them. Those kids in general will see negative behavior as a solution to their problem. In the end, “Pride in Negativity” means self esteem and identity from negativity.

What You Can Do: One of the big mistakes parents make is to argue with their kids about the negative things their child is fascinated with. But fighting about those issues only gives the child more power. I personally think parents should have a structure in their home that forbids the games they’re not comfortable with. You should also really ignore any Pride in Negativity statements by saying, “Look, I’m not interested in that stuff,” and then walk away. In other words, give it no power. Remember, if you show your child that certain behaviors have power over you, those behaviors are going to be repeated. Conversely, behaviors that have no power over you will diminish.

It’s important to remember that kids believe in the thinking errors they’re using. As a parent, I believe to be overly confrontational is not the way to go. What’s preferred is a corrective response that challenges or refutes the thinking error. After all, these errors are part of every day life. You’ll find that people use them all the time. In fact, I find myself using thinking errors, and you might find yourself using them, too. But here’s the risk for your child: kids, and especially teens, use these errors in thinking to avoid doing things that are difficult for them, and that’s what makes them dangerous. Remember, adolescence is one of the most critical times in your child’s development for them to learn how to solve life’s problems—not avoid them by using excuses, manipulation or lies.

A Day in the Mind of Your Defiant Child reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Creating Time For Your Family In A Hectic World

2010-04-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

Creating Time For Your Family In A Hectic World.

Happy, healthy families don't just happen. It takes time and effort to create and maintain a good, solid, healthy family.
Just because individuals live together under one roof doesn't mean that they are a well-functioning family unit.

So often we let the urgent crowd out the important. The doorbell, the phone and chores get our attention and the truly important gets forgotten.

Here are 3 suggestions for re-connecting with your loved ones.

1. Give your children the gift of your presence instead of presents. You are far more important to your child than expensive vacations, designer label clothing or the latest Wii game. Give them the gift of your time, rather than attempt to fill the gap in their hearts (created by your absence) with material things.

2. When you plan your daily routine, remember that most of the 'action' in families takes place during the following times:
* Breakfast
* Dropping and picking kids up from school
* After school
* Dinner time
* Bedtime
Leave these times free of other chores and obligations so that you can focus completely on your children's needs for time and attention.

3. If you work outside the home, speak to your boss about allowing you to leave in the event of an emergency with your child.

Your children and spouse need you. Carefully re-consider if the extra material goods you acquire from working is worth what you have to give up in order to get it.

I've never heard of a person on their deathbed who wished that they had spent more time at the office. Have you?

How To Keep Your Young Child Safe In An Increasingly Dangerous World

2010-04-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

So many accidents and deaths of toddlers and children could easily be prevented. Here are 9 suggestions for keeping your children safe, no matter what their age.

YOUNG CHILDREN

1.Keep young children within sight whenever the possibility exists for them to get into trouble.

2. Teach toddlers and pre-schoolers about the dangers associated with fires, stoves, electricity, knives, guns and so on. But don't let this make you lax. Keep an eye on them and keep them out of harms way until you know they can handle these dangerous elements safely.

3.Teach them road safety as soon as they are old enough to understand.

4. Make your children aware that all strangers are not friends and show them how to react in case a suspicious stranger wants to pick them up.

5. Teach your children that their body belongs to them and that nobody has a right to touch them in inappropriate ways. The following books are a great way to get this discussion started.

OLDER KIDS

1. Teach your children about online safety. Two good books to do that are

2. Teach them to stand up for themselves and to resist peer pressure.

3. Speak to your teen about the risks of things like drugs, drunk driving, sex and so on.

4. Know your kids whereabouts at all times. If they are out with friends, be clear on the arrangements that are in place for them to get home.

Run Away Kids - When Your Child Is On The Streets & Wants To Come Home

2010-04-18T23:16:00.000-07:00

Running Away Part II: "Mom, I Want to Come Home."
When Your Child is on the Streets

by James Lehman, MSW

In part two of this series on running away, James tells you how to handle it when your child is on the streets, and what to say when they come home—including giving them consequences for their actions.

For kids, running away is like taking a long, dangerous timeout. They may use it to avoid some difficulty at home, or to hide from something that’s embarrassing to them. You can also look at running away as a power struggle, because kids will often run instead of taking responsibility for their actions or complying with house rules. Above all, as a parent, what you don't want to do is give it power. That's the cardinal rule: do not give this behavior power.

The forces that drive your child to run are more powerful than the thought that he might get a consequence.

In the last article, I discussed what you can do before your child leaves, and how to create an atmosphere of acceptance at home. In part two, I’d like to talk about what you can do when your child is out on the streets, and how you should handle their re-entry back into home life.

WHAT TO DO WHILE YOUR CHILD IS ON THE STREET

Leave a Paper Trail

If your child has run away, you need to call the police, plain and simple. I understand that not all parents want to do this, but I think it’s imperative that you take this step. I can’t stress this enough: you want to have a written record that your child is not under your supervision, and that should be recorded at the police station. Also, if you call and report your child missing, know that your call will be recorded. I hate to say it, but one of the paradoxes for parents is that the authorities will often ask, “Why did you let your child run away?” when in fact, there's no way they can make them stay at home. Do your best to answer as honestly as you can, because it’s very important to document what’s happening. You should also call the Department of Human Services to create a paper trail there, too. They may very well tell you that they can’t give you any help, but the point is, you documented it. Be sure to write down the name of the case worker you talked to for future reference.

Should You Look for Your Child on the Streets?

I personally don’t believe in going and looking for your child on the streets if they are children who chronically run away. I don’t think you should give that kind of behavior a lot of power. The rules should be really clear in the family: “If you run away, you’ve got to make your way back here. I'm not going to come looking for you or call all your friends. If you're not home, I'll call the police.”

There are those parents who look for their kids to make sure they’re okay. I understand that impulse, but again, I don't think you want to give your child too much power or special status when they run away. If they get too much attention and too much power, you're just encouraging them to do it again the next time there's a problem. Unintentional reinforcement is something you have to be very careful about.

If you do find your child, you can say, “Look, when you're ready to come home, we'll talk about it.” I'm personally very leery about parents who chase after their kids and beg and plead. If you do beg them to come home, when your child comes back, they will have more power and you have less. From then on, whenever they want something or don’t want to be held accountable for their actions, they’ll play the runaway card.

The Sad Truth: Lack of Community Support for Parents of Runaways

Remember, it's your child’s responsibility to stay at home since you legally have no way to keep them there. In fact, I know of kids who’ve actually left while the police were there. They just said, “I'm not taking this anymore,” and they walked out. And the cops said to the parents, “We can't do anything until he commits a crime.”

In the states where I've lived, if your child runs away and you call the police, by law they can't do anything. Part of the obstacle that parents face is a lack of community support. Amazingly, there's no statute that requires kids to live in a safe place. That really puts parents in a bad place because society won't make your child stay at home or even in a shelter. When I was a kid, if you ran away from home they would take you to court and put you on probation; you were simply not allowed to run the streets and be a delinquent. Unfortunately, that law has changed. Today, it’s estimated that there are between one to three million kids on the street in this country. You have to wait 24 hours before you file a Missing Persons report—and even if you file the report, the police might find your child living on the street but they can't make him come home. Now your child is no longer a missing person, and you have even less power in some ways. When that happens, you just have to wait until your child wants to come home.

COMING HOME: RE-ENTRY AND FAMILY RULES

If Your Child Says They are Ready to Come Home…

If your child has dropped out of school and is abusing substances and living on the streets, I don’t think they should be allowed to come home without certain conditions. And if it’s decided that they can return, their re-entry to home life should be very structured.

I know it’s hard, but I think that even if your child is crying on the phone, what you want to get clear is, “We love you very much and you can come back again, but the rules aren't changing.” I've seen parents with abusive kids tell them very simply, “You can't come home until we have a meeting and agree to some rules. And until then, stay with your friends.” It’s difficult for parents to do, but I support that.

Have a Frank Discussion: What to Say When Your Child is Back Home

One of the main things you want to talk to your returning child about is what they’re going to do differently this time. Ask, “What’s going to be different about the way you solve your problems, and what are you going to do the next time you want to run away?” I recommend that you have a frank discussion with them. Let them know that running away is a problem that simply complicates their lives and makes their other problems worse. Again, we want running away to be viewed as a problem your child has to learn to deal with. We know as adults that once you start running from something, you may run for the rest of your life. Running away is one of the ways kids solve problems, it’s just not an effective way to do so. And in fact, most solutions that depend upon power and control are ineffective.

The Consequences for Running Away:

If your child has run away to avoid consequences, he should do them when he comes back—immediately. That's what he ran away from, and that’s what he needs to face. Running away is a very dangerous and risky behavior, and I believe there should be a consequence for it, as well. The consequence doesn't have to be too punitive; keep it task-oriented. One of the problems with consequences is that if they're not lesson-oriented, then the concept you’re trying to teach is lost. I like a consequence that says, “Write out the whole story of how you ran away. What were you thinking, what were you trying to accomplish? And then tell me what you're going to do differently next time.” Sit down with your child and get them to process it with you, and then talk about what your child can do differently next time together. Always hold them accountable. For kids who run away chronically, if you send them to their room, they won't learn anything. But if you ground them from electronics until they write an essay, make amends, and tell you how they’re going to handle it differently, eventually the behavior will change.

Here’s the truth: nobody ever stopped running away because they were afraid of punishment. Nobody ever said, “I'm not going to run away because the consequences are too severe.” If you’re a parent of teen who is in danger of running away, realize that the forces that drive him to run are more powerful than the thought that he might get a consequence.

Use Repetition and Rehearsal to Change Behavior

If your child writes an essay about why they ran away and tells you they are sorry, whether they mean it or not really doesn't matter. The important thing is that the learning is going to change. Think of it this way: if you had a spelling test every day, whether you tried or not, you're going to learn to spell. It’s the same way for your child—he has to write those words out. One of the primary ways kids learn is through repetition and rehearsal. Part of that, by the way, is giving them task-oriented consequences, over and over again. It’s much better to have your child write an apology five times than to send them to their room for five hours. Eventually, that learning will sink in—I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

Should You Ever Tell Your Child to Leave?

Sometimes kids come home and start falling into their old patterns of behavior. I know parents who have told their kids to go to a shelter or to go couch surf for a week. I am sympathetic to this approach, but I think there’s a very high risk involved; each family has to make decisions like these very seriously. If you're going to tell an under-age person to go couch surf, you have to think that through carefully. This is not because you’re going to be held criminally responsible or go to jail, but because bad things can happen—and you're going to have to live with the consequences, no matter what. Parents of girls often worry more because of the simple fact that it’s riskier for girls to run than for boys—more harm can come to them. Remember, each family has to live with its own decisions when it comes to safety—and there's no joking about that.

The Key to Dealing with Kids Who Run Away

In my opinion, the key to dealing with kids who run away both chronically and episodically is teaching them problem-solving skills, and identifying the triggers that lead to risky decisions. Kids have to learn coping skills that help them manage their responsibilities in the here and now, so they don't have anything to run away from in the future. That means doing their homework and chores, being honest and not lying about responsibilities and schoolwork, getting clean and sober if they have a substance abuse problem, and being able to face the music when they’ve done something wrong or publicly embarrassing. The bottom line is that kids need to learn how to take responsibility, be accountable, and not run away from consequences. Kids are not told enough that life is what you make it—and that means now, not when you're 25.

Running Away Part II: "Mom, I Want to Come Home." When Your Child is on the Streets reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Why Kids Run Away and How To Stop Them

2010-04-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

Running Away Part I: Why Kids Do It and How to Stop Them

by James Lehman, MSW

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare—you go to check on your child in the middle of the night, and she’s not there. Your heart starts pounding and you fly into panic mode, calling her friends, your relatives, and the police.

Whether or not your child has run away or threatened to do so—or you fear that she might—it’s vital that you read this article. James Lehman has worked with runaway teens for many years, and in this new EP series he explains why kids run away, ways you can stop them, and how to handle their behavior when they come home.

"Kids who threaten to run away are using it for power."

Any child can run away at any time if the circumstances are right. Believe me, if they’re under enough stress, any kid can justify running away.

Don’t forget, running away is like any action. In order to do it you need three things: the ability, the willingness and the opportunity. And let’s face it, kids have the opportunity and ability to run every day—so all it really takes is the willingness to do it. That willingness can develop for a variety of reasons. It could be a stressful situation your child is under, a fear of getting consequences for something they did, a form of power struggle, not wanting to go to school, or a substance abuse problem.

Another factor is that kids often idealize running away and develop a romanticized view of life on the streets. In reality, it’s awful: you’re cold, you’re hungry and it’s dangerous, but adolescents often see it as an adventure or the key to freedom, where “No one is going to tell me what to do.”

Why Kids Run Away

Many kids run away because of drug and alcohol abuse. When teens and pre-teens get involved in substance abuse, they may leave home to hide it so their parents don’t find out. These kids are often using a lot more than their parents know; they want to use more freely and openly, so they run away.

In addition to fear or anger, feelings of failure can also cause kids to leave home. Some children run away because it’s easier to live on their own than to live in a critical home. I remember being 15 years old and living in a hallway in the Bronx in winter. I didn’t miss home at all because I felt like such a failure there. Sadly, kids with behavior management problems or learning disabilities often get tired of the feeling that they just can’t get it right; it’s easier for them to run than to fix the problem. Often, they don’t know that what they’re facing can be dealt with using other strategies.

In my opinion, the main reason why kids run away is because they don’t have good problem-solving skills. Running away is an “either/or” kind of solution; it’s a product of black-and-white thinking. Kids run away because they don’t want to face something, and that includes emotions they don’t want to deal with. The adolescent who runs away has run out of problem-solving skills. And leaving home—along with everything that is overwhelming them—seems to solve their immediate problems.

Episodic vs. Chronic Running Away

I think it’s very important to distinguish between kids who run away episodically, and those who are chronic runners. The reasons behind the actions are quite different, and it’s crucial to know what they are.

Episodic Running Away: When your child runs away after something has happened, it can be viewed as episodic running away. It’s not a consistent pattern, and your child is not using it as a problem-solving strategy all the time. It's also not something they use to gain power. Rather, they might be trying to avoid some consequence, humiliation or embarrassment. I’ve known kids to leave home because they were caught cheating in school or because they became pregnant and were afraid of their parents’ disapproval.
Chronic Running Away: Kids who consistently use running away to gain power in the family have a chronic problem. Realize that chronic running away is just another form of power struggle, manipulation, or acting out; it's just very high risk acting out. They may threaten their parents by saying, “If you make me do that, I'll run away.” They know parents worry; for many, it’s one of their greatest fears. Some parents may engage in bargaining and over-negotiating with their kids over this when they shouldn't because they're afraid. But you need to understand that kids who threaten to run away are using it for power. This not only gives them power over themselves, but power over their parents and their families as well. When a parent gives in to this threat, their child starts using it to train them. For example, a parent in this situation will learn to stop sending their child to their room if he or she threatens to run away each time it happens. I want to be clear here: kids who chronically threaten to run away are not running away to solve one problem. They're running away because that is their main problem-solving skill. They’re trying to avoid any type of accountability.

Are there Warning Signs?

Unfortunately, there are no real hard-and-fast signs that indicate your child is about to run away. Certainly, you can look for secretive behavior, the hoarding of money, and things of value disappearing around the house. If you ever notice this happening, don’t turn a blind eye: trust your gut. You probably already know that something is up, whether it’s substance abuse or your child’s desire to leave home.

A Step-by-Step Way to Teach Your Kids that Running Away Won’t Solve Their Problems

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

The most important thing you can do is teach your children problem solving skills. Ask them, “What can you do differently about this problem? What are some ways we can deal with this problem?” Always approach something as a problem that needs to be solved, and reward your child when they are able to do it successfully. Be sure to say things like, “I liked the way you solved that problem, Josh. The teacher was upset, but you went up and apologized. That took guts. And now she has a better opinion of you. I’m really proud of you.” As much as possible, praise your child when he does something positive.
Create an Atmosphere of Acceptance

Unconditional love is an idea that is used a lot in parenting, but different people mean different things by it. Some people say “unconditional love” but what they mean is “co-dependency.” When I say unconditional love, I mean “I can't love you any less if you do poorly and I won't love you love anymore if you do well. If you get an A I won't love you any more. If you get a D I won't love you any less. I love you.” I think it's important for parents to have that kind of atmosphere in their house and to reinforce it with their kids. It's also good for parents to say, “It's okay to make mistakes around here.” Make it clear to your child that “the way we handle mistakes in our home is by facing up to them and dealing with them.”
Check in with Your Child

All parents should have a system where they check in with their kids frequently. Just stop and ask, “How's it going? Anything you want help with?” You can say this two or three times in one day; go by their room and knock on the door. That way you're constantly giving your child hypodermic interest and affection. You’re saying, “I'm interested in you, I care.” This is a skill that parents can build; it doesn't always come naturally. I understand that parents who have worked all day come home and they're tired. My wife and I were both social workers and when we came home, the last thing we wanted to do was talk some more. But we trained ourselves to do that so our son would know we were interested and that we cared. You never lose when you show that to a child.
Talk to Your Child if You Think He’s at Risk of Running

If you think your child is at risk of running away or you know that his friends have done so, you want to sit down and talk with him. Always temper your comments about other kids’ behavior by what your child might be thinking. They hear you when you say, “Oh, that little hoodlum, if my kid ran away, he'd never come home.” As a parent, you need to be careful about who's listening. What you really want to say to your child is, “If you screw up and run away, don't hesitate to come back and we'll talk about it.” And if your child says, “Talk about what?” I would say, “Talk about how to solve the problem differently.”
Responding to Threats

When your child threatens to run away, I think you should respond by saying, “Running away is not going to solve your problems. You're going to have to take responsibility for this. And by the way, if you do run away, you're still going to have to face this problem when you come home.” And then tell them what will solve their problems: “These are the family rules and learning to deal with the family rules is going to solve your problems. Not running away from them.”

I think you can give warnings, as well. You might say, “Listen, if you run away, I can't stop you, but it's dangerous out there. I won't be able to protect you. So not only will you not solve your problems, you'll also be putting yourself at risk. Bad things happen to kids and that's the risk you're taking. I don't think it's worth it, Jenna.” As I mentioned before, you can also try to get them to take a time-out by saying, “Why don't you just calm down for five minutes and then let’s talk about it.”

Many families I've worked with wound up dealing with constant threats by saying, “Look, if you run, you run. But these are still our family rules.” At some point, they stopped giving in because they realized it wasn’t effective or healthy for their families or their child.

“I’m Outta Here!” When Your Child is about to Leave:

3 Things Parents Can Do in the Moment

Many kids leave home in the heat of an argument with their parents or after some major event. This action is probably not spontaneous—your child might have been considering how they will run away for quite some time. If you sense your child is about to leave, here are a few things you can do or say to stop them:

Try to Get Them to Calm Down

Try to get your child to calm down for five minutes. You can say, “Why don’t you sit right here in the living room and take a timeout. I’ll be back in five minutes.” I wouldn't tell your child to go to his room; have him stay right there in the living room or kitchen. It’s not a good idea to send him to his bedroom. This is because if he goes there and gets the impulse, he's going to climb out the window.
Ask “What’s Going on?” Not “How are You Feeling?”

When you talk to your child, don't ask him how he's feeling; ask him what's going on. All kids want to argue about how they're feeling—or they want to deny that they’re feeling anything at all. Often parents get stuck there. So instead of, “Why are you so upset?” try asking, “What’s going on? What did you see that made you want to leave?”
Use Persuasive Language

A really good question to ask your child is, “So what's so bad about this that you can't handle it?” After he or she tells you, you can say, “You've handled stuff like this before. Kids your age deal with this all the time and I know you can do it. So you screwed up, it's not the end of the world. Face what you’ve got to face and then let's get on with life.” That kind of reasoning is called “persuasive talking.” As a parent, you're not giving in, but you're trying to persuade your child that they're okay. I used this approach successfully in my practice with kids all the time; I found that many teens yield to that type of persuasion.

Remember, kids run away from problems they can't handle. It’s in our culture. Adolescents often see running away as a way to achieve a sense of power and independence. They don’t understand that it's false power and independence, however, because they can't take care of themselves in a legitimate way on the streets. Still, those feelings can be very ingrained for some kids. Personally, I think the most important thing for a child to learn is how to solve his problems differently. Your child is going to have to face whatever he's avoiding eventually, and it's of the utmost importance that he understands that critical life lesson: “Eventually, you’re going to have to face this.”

When your child is out on the streets, you feel powerless, afraid and isolated. And if they decide to come home, your joy can quickly turn to dread as you see them fall into the old patterns of behavior that caused them to run in the first place. Look for Part II of "Running Away" in Empowering Parents the week of October 12th. James will tell you more about what you can do when your under-age child runs away, and how to handle their behavior— and give them consequences— when they come home.

Running Away Part I: Why Kids Do It and How to Stop Them reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

You Don't Have To Be Perfect In Order To Be A Good Mom

2010-04-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Part of being a good mom is to understand that you don't have to be perfect.

You need to realize that perfection is an impossible and unrealistic goal. Blaming yourself and feeling guilty when things don't turn out as you anticipated is unhealthy and counterproductive.

Here are 5 simple truths you need to embrace in order to break the chains of blame and guilt.

1. Your children WILL have their share of challenges and problems, just like all kids do. They'll get hurt, fall ill, fight with their friends and have trouble at school. This is all part and parcel of childhood, and no matter how good a mom you are, there's very little you can do to prevent it.

2. From time to time, you will do things that will make your child angry, hurt or upset. It's all part of being human and your child will learn that life isn't always perfect.

3. Your child may have problems that you fail to recognize at the time.

4. There will be times when you get angry, irritated upset and exhausted, no matter how much you love your children.

5. You may have discovered later on that you've created serious problems for your child without meaning to. While you may regret this, beating yourself up over it is a senseless waste of time.

If you feel that you've caused your child pain and inadvertantly harmed her in some way, then ask your child for forgiveness and do what you can to make amends. And most importantly, forgive yourself.
Realize that you were doing your best with what you knew and now that you know better you can do better.

What To Do When Your Child Is The Class Trouble-maker

2010-04-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker

by James Lehman, MSW

Every parent of an acting-out child knows that once your kid has a reputation for being a troublemaker at school, it's very difficult to undo that label. That’s because your child becomes the label; when the teacher looks at him, she often just sees a troublemaker. Sadly, it's very hard to change that image, because even when your child tries harder, the label is reinforced when he slips up. And then he's really in trouble, because not only is he still a troublemaker—now he's seen as a manipulator, too.

"It's your job to get along with your teacher, not your teacher's job to get along with you."

We all know that labels are assigned all the time and that they don't help the problem. Not only are they innately unfair, they are also subjective. In other words, one person's view of a troublemaker is not the same as another’s.

School teachers, being human, will label kids. Make no mistake, teachers talk and are well aware of who the troublemakers are before they get to their class at the beginning of the year. After all, it’s part of their job to anticipate the behavioral issues they will be dealing with in their classroom and try to plan for them.

Part of what you have to do as a parent is try to distinguish between the label and your child's style of functioning in school. So if your child has been called a troublemaker, ask yourself what that means. How does he make trouble? Does he speak out of turn in class? Is he easily distracted and bothersome to the students sitting next to him? Or is he disruptive and rude?

I always advise parents to be honest with themselves about their child's behavior. Yes, it's important to assert yourself as a parent and advocate for your child at school. But it's also vital to your child's development that you not defend him when he's in the wrong. Make no mistake: defending your child when he has behaved inappropriately will not help him develop appropriate skills and to become right as a person. So if your child is known as a school troublemaker and is disruptive and rude in class, it's very important that you acknowledge that. Parents need to have an open mind about their children so they can help the school in changing their behavior.

Don't forget, for many parents of kids with behavior problems, it's easier to fight with the school than it is to change their child. And when you do this, that only succeeds in letting your child off the hook, when in reality what they really need to do is learn how to change their behavior. Whenever possible, though it's sometimes difficult, parents and teachers need to work in tandem.

The New School Year: Starting Off on the Right Foot

If your child is in danger of having the troublemaker label follow him from grade to grade, you’re probably wondering how to start him off on the right foot this year. I think that at the beginning of any school year, you want to coach your child about the importance of first impressions.

Let him know how important the first couple of weeks of school are in terms of getting along in class and doing well. Tell him that presenting himself as respectful and responsible will make a big difference for him. You can say, “Remember how we talked about what you would do differently in school this year to get along better? Well, one of the things we mentioned was that you should be polite to your teachers and not talk back. When you have the urge to talk back or be rude, what could you do differently?”

As a side note, if parents have a problem with a teacher or the school, they should never discuss it in front of their child. Make no bones about it, if you undermine the teacher openly at home, it becomes almost impossible at some later date to get your child to behave appropriately. I understand that parents won’t always agree with their child’s teacher. In certain cases, I thought my son’s teachers had some rules that didn’t make sense. My wife and I talked about it and discussed it with the teacher, but my son never knew it. That was because we were there to uphold the image of the school as an entity that has to be respected—and one in which our son knew he had to behave respectfully.

In my opinion, going to school is like having a job. You coach your child through their school career the same way you might give them advice when they start a profession. You can say, “You have to learn to get along. There are going to be good people and bad people. There are going to be good times and bad times. There are going to be people who don't like you and people you don't like.” The key is not to eliminate everything your child doesn’t like in life; the key is to help him manage things even when life is difficult. After all, there's going to be injustice in school and in life, though few parents acknowledge or talk about it with their kids. I think it's good to say, "That's an injustice and you'll have to deal with it." Because in fact, some things really aren't fair in life, and part of growing up is learning to deal with that fact.

When I worked with kids who didn’t get along with their teachers, I would often say, “Look, it's your job to get along with your teacher, not your teacher's job to get along with you.” A teacher’s job is to be respectful of their students and to help them learn. It's not their job to humor kids when they’re in a bad mood or act out. No place does that, so when kids complained about their teachers, I would say. “Whether you work at a gas station or a law firm, your boss and co-workers won't put up with that kind of behavior. You have to learn how to get along, that's part of becoming independent.” In fact, some of the most important criteria for independence are “How well does this person manage adversity? How well does he get along with people he doesn't like? How does he deal with supervisors who are a pain in the neck?” We're all going to have that in life. So the idea is to give your child the skills to get along no matter who he or she is dealing with.

Consequences: Should I Give Them to My Child When He Gets in Trouble at School?

Let's face it: every parent whose child acts out in class gets sick of hearing from the school—even if they know their child is legitimately a problem. Parents don't want to go to work and hear about their kids during the school day; they want the school to handle it. And the school thinks parents should be more involved in dealing with inappropriate behavior.

So when should parents get involved? I think the answer to that is straightforward. In my opinion, it depends on whether the problem is “functional” or “relational.” A functional problem includes being late for class, chewing gum or running down the hall. I think schools should handle those problems; that is their community, and they need to manage it.

I personally do not think parents should give more consequences at home for those types of things. But the whole game changes when it comes to relational problems. These are problems that have to do with inappropriate behavior towards people or property. If your child steals, if he's physically abusive, if he's threatening, if he gets into a fight, parents need to hold him accountable and give consequences at home in addition to the consequences the school assigns.

Again, one of the things parents have to avoid is insulating their child from the natural consequences of their behavior. If your child destroys property or assaults someone at school and you do everything you can to protect him so he doesn't have to face legal consequences, I think you're making a mistake. I think you can support your child through those consequences—I would.

But the more you insulate him from the natural consequences of his actions, the less likely those actions are going to change. Because let's face it, people don't change until there's pressure to change. And unfortunately, that pressure often comes from negative consequences, whether that's for a speeding ticket or for being physically aggressive in school. We understand that fact as adults in society: people get tickets all the time for running lights and for speeding. You may not like getting a ticket, you may not think it's fair. But the bottom line is that it makes you look at your behavior and change it.

When a child gets in serious trouble at school, many parents become worried that it will go on their permanent record. Is that a legitimate worry for a parent? Yes. But you don't soothe those worries by sweeping the problem under the rug. Let me be clear: if your child assaults someone at school and doesn't get a record now, he's going to get one later—that's all there is to it.

How to Handle a Functional Problem

If your child tells you, “I got detention because I was running in the hall,” the thing to ask him is, “All right, so what are you going to do differently next time? What did you learn from that?” Don’t give speeches. Just ask simple questions that help your child clarify the whole object lesson. I wouldn’t judge him and I would be as matter of fact as possible. Just shrug and say, “Well, that's life; you can't run down the halls in school.” And teach your child, “Look, you know what you're doing. You made the choice. Now take your consequences and learn from them.”

How to Handle a Relational Problem

If your child has been caught destroying property, speaking rudely or obscenely, or hurting someone at school, as a parent you need to deal with that very strongly. I think you need to find out the facts and then you need to let your child know very clearly that there are consequences at home for that kind of behavior. And the first consequence is, “We're not going to fight with the school. You need to pay the price for your actions.” If your child has a fight in school and he's suspended, for example, he ought to have consequences at home. I would recommend no electronics for the length of the suspension. He should not be suspended from school and then allowed to goof off at home all day. Make the suspension unpleasant for him. If it's not unpleasant, it's not going to shape his behavior. The whole theory behind consequences is that the memory of unpleasantness will shape the person's behavior next time. So don’t undermine the school’s consequences by making the suspension a week of playing and vacation for your child.

Talking to Your Child's Teachers: Let Them Know What Works for Your Child

I recommend that you let your child’s teacher know how you deal with behavior at home. I think if your child has a history of behavior problems, you want to meet with that teacher early on in the year and say, “We know that Jake can be disruptive. This is how we deal with it at home. And if there's any way we can help you, please let us know.” Certainly you should tell a teacher what works at home and what doesn't work at home.

This doesn't mean you're limiting them; rather, you’re helping them be more effective with your child’s behavior in the classroom. So if you have specific techniques you use, share them. An example might be, “We find Jake does his homework better when his door is open or he's sitting at the dining room table.

So he might do better in school if you have him up close to your desk.” Or, “We find Jake does better at home when we get him started. So if you could take a minute to get him going on the assignment, it might work out better.” Be sure to ask your child’s teacher how you can be helpful to them. Be open to what they say—they might have some great ideas. And always ask the teacher, “How can we support you at home with this?”

Parents and Teachers: Getting on the Same Team

In this day and age, everybody is stressed and nobody's got time. Parents are working harder than ever, and teachers have larger classrooms and more responsibilities. Believe me, if everybody had time and more resources, there would be a lot less friction between parents and schools. But that's not the case, so we just have to live with that and figure out how to manage it the best we can.

After all, we have the common goal of wanting our kids to behave responsibly and get an education. Schools have a legitimate interest in kids being compliant and respectful. Parents have a legitimate interest in kids getting an education and learning how to become independent. Parents and teachers should be on the same team, but sadly, often they're not. There was a time when teachers and parents worked together—where if the teacher called a parent, the parent really worked on changing their child’s behavior. Kids were held accountable at home. It's not often that way anymore. Now parents are often blaming of teachers and teachers are blaming of parents—and children play both ends against the middle. Kids can be highly manipulative in this area.

I think parents and teachers should work hard at being on the same team. I think the parent's role is really, “How can we help the teacher do their job? What can we do at home?” And the teacher's stance has to be, “In what areas do I need the parents’ support and what is my responsibility? How can we work together to get this child on track?”

I've heard a lot of stories about bad teachers. I've met one or two myself, but by and large, I believe most teachers are trying their best. The truth is, you have to really try to work with the teacher your child gets. If there is an issue, I recommend you go to that teacher and talk about it. And if that doesn't work, then go to an administrator and try to set up some meetings. Just realize that the more adversarial the relationship between the parents and the school, the more your child is going to suffer—and the more they’re going to get away with. Don't forget, when parents and teachers fight, nobody wins. And the end result is that your child doesn't feel he has to change his behavior at all.

If your child has been labeled a troublemaker and he has chronic behavior or attitude problems, it’s crucial that you are able to communicate with his teacher and the school. I think if you can develop a working relationship around a child who has these problems, it becomes a lot easier to support that teacher in his or her efforts. The bottom line is, that is what is best for your child. It may not feel best for your ego, but that is what's best for your child. Is this a lot of work? Yes, it is. But I think parents need to try to find the time to do it. I know that sometimes I ask a lot of parents, but the fact is that kids need a lot of parenting nowadays. Communication and compromise are a huge part of parenting and working with your child’s school.

Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

4 Tips For A Happy Family

2010-04-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

1. EAT AT LEAST ONE MEAL A DAY TOGETHER.
Eating together bonds a family together like nothing else. Strive to make mealtimes a positive experience, where family members can laugh, talk, and share what's important to them. The family meal is the perfect time to reconnect with one another. for teaching kids good table manners and the basics of good, nutritious eating habits.

2. BECOME A BOREDOM BUSTING MOM.
Are you tired of constantly hearing your kids whine and complain " I'm bored." As the old saying goes "An idle mind is the devils workshop." Fill your children's time with fun activities so that they don't get a chance to be bored.

3. HAVE A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN IT'S PLACE.
An organized, smoothly run home is a happy home. Eliminate arguments and tension by having a place for everything and everything in it's place. It's especially important to get the day off to a good start because the first few minutes of the day sets the tone for the rest of the day. The key to getting each day off to a good start is to prepare as much as possible the night before. Prepare a basket for each child and then either you or your child can place in it everything that is needed for school the next day - signed permission slips, completed homework and so on. This simple step eliminates lost items and makes getting ready in the morning a breeze.

4. SHOW YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM.
Don't just assume that your kids know that you love them. Show them and tell them just how much they mean to you and how special they are.

Save Big Money On Your Grocery Bill

2010-04-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

Saving Money On Groceries and Food
This article is an excerpt from Cash Stretching 101

Here are some ways to save money on food without having to sacrifice quality, nutrition or taste.

"1.Grow your own. Most people can set up at least a couple of tubs for some herbs and vegetables that will help to enhance and stretch the vegetables that you buy at stores and markets.

2. If there are just a couple of you, try to cook larger quantities of food that you both like and freeze the left-overs. That's much better value and probably more nutritious than packaged frozen meals.

3. Make your own soup, using fresh ingredients as much as possible.

4. Make reasonable quantities and freeze them. It’s much nicer than canned soup, so very few people leave home-made soup in the freezer very long.

5. Prepare your Food Yourself.
I'm not good at cutting up, say, a quarter of lamb. So, I'll get the meat pre-cut. But, I can carve a cauliflower, carrot or even a potato.
Buying salads and other vegetables that have been cut up and mixed will cost you extra money and really save very little time. Some people feel the convenience of frozen vegetables is worth the extra cost.
That's for you to decide.

If you like a tasty cheddar but have a cheese slice budget, buy some cheap block cheese and refrigerate it for a few weeks. Okay, it probably won't be as tasty as the best, hand-crafted cheddar but it will improve with just that little bit of time to mature.

6.Get a small vegetable steamer. Steamed vegetables and fish taste great and get high marks for nutritional value. Vegetables that are steamed in an electric steamer are claimed to retain more food value than vegetables that are steamed in a microwave oven."

This article is an excerpt from Cash Stretching 101 by Jerry McColl
Cash Stretching 101 is filled with dozens of practical, painless, and quick tactics to get you better value when you have to spend money, and to help you save more money without affecting your lifestyle.

If you’d like to find out how to live a rich, comfortable and happy life regardless of the size of your paycheck please visit http://www.moneystretchingtips.com
Free money stretching tips delivered straight to your inbox. Find out how to get the most out of every dollar you spend on everything from food to insurance, education, travel and more.

7 Ways To Regain Your Parental Authority

2010-04-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority

by James Lehman, MSW

In part two of this series, James gives you 7 ways to get back parental control and stop living in fear of your child’s acting-out behavior.

Most people aren’t afraid of their children; rather, they’re afraid of their child’s behavior. It’s important to understand that this fear undermines your authority as a parent because it’s hard to set limits successfully when you’re afraid. You lose more of your authority each time you give in after your child has acted out. And as soon as he realizes that, you’ll only have the authority he gives you. You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

These kids tend to gravitate toward a “no accountability” way of life, where “no accountability” equals “no authority.” And in order for your child’s system to work for him, he has to keep all the authorities around him in check. Soon this becomes one of his primary goals in life.

You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

In my opinion, even though you might have fears about your child’s acting-out behavior, you need to learn how to deal with those thoughts and feelings so they don't have power over you—that they don't dictate your behavior. So while you may be afraid your child is going to throw a tantrum, don't let that fear derail your decision to be firm. Remember, it's not what you're afraid of, it's how much power you give that fear. I don’t know if people truly ever “master their fears,” but I think that over time, the fear of your child acting out will have less power over you if you stick to a game plan of setting limits and holding your child accountable.

By the way, when you decide that you're going to start dealing with your child’s pattern of acting out behavior differently, first of all, get ready for a struggle. Your child is not going to believe it; in fact, he's going to think that if he just tantrums a little harder or a little more, you'll give in. That’s because you've given in for so long; you've trained him how to treat you. Some of us train our kids to treat us respectfully. Others of us, through no fault of our own, train our kids to act out more in order to get their way.

Here are some of the important rules I taught parents who were afraid of setting off their child:

Come up with a Game Plan

The first thing I recommend is to come up with a game plan of what you're going to do when your child starts to escalate. This will give you something concrete to guide you. Decide how you're going to handle tantrums and acting out in the future. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about this now? What's going to be different in my behavior, my response?” Write an "Instead" list for yourself. It might include things like, “I won’t back down when my child starts screaming, instead I’ll leave the store. I will give my child consequences and set limits.”

And then get ready for some long tantrums, especially at home. Make no mistake, there will be a fierce battle for a while. Things will get better, but be prepared for your child to test you and test you and test you. Sometimes the tantrums and acting out will increase in intensity and frequency. That’s because your child is thinking, “If I just do this a little more, maybe she'll give in.” You've inadvertently trained him to do that and now you're going to have to do some work to undo it. In the end, the behavior often changes—it may re-emerge at different times, but you just need to handle it the same way.

Explain How Things Are Going to Change

When things are going well, tell your child what you’re going to do when he acts out or throws a tantrum. Say “Hey, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I've been thinking that you’re really too old to throw tantrums now. So from now on, when you do that, this is what I'm going to do.” And you tell them what consequences they will get. You can also say, “When you're in a tantrum or acting out, I'm not going to give in, I'm going to let you go through your tantrum. When you're done, then we can resume what we were doing. That means you're not going to get that toy or that candy bar just because you yell and scream and kick your feet.” Or for older kids, “I’m not going to give in to you just because you punch a hole in the wall or scream at me.” And I think that parents should articulate that information to their kids no matter how old they are. If your child is very young, he might not understand at first, but it will help you as a parent to focus. If your child does understand it, then he knows what to expect. When parents consistently tell their young kids what will happen, the tantrums often diminish in frequency and intensity as the child grows older. With older kids, talking to them in this way lets them know that you’re the boss now—and that you’re not going to give in to their acting out anymore.

Let Them Know the Process

Let your child know the process ahead of time. You can say, “Hey, when you tantrum in the store, I'm just going to move about five feet away and I'm just going to watch you tantrum until you're done. I’m going to bring a book with me and if you throw a tantrum I'm going to read it. I'm not going to talk to you or argue with you.” And by the way, bringing a book is really a good thing to do because it shows your child that you won’t be moved by their behavior. It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, have a ball, pal. Dance around on the floor all you want, I'm just going to read my magazine.” It takes the power away from your child’s inappropriate behavior, and that’s exactly what you want to do.

After Your Child Has Acted Out

After your child has had a tantrum or behavioral episode, it’s a good time to have a little talk with him about what he's going to do differently next time. If your child is old enough, ask him what he was trying to accomplish, and how he will handle it differently next time. These are the most important questions you can ask because they lead to your child learning how to develop other options. Remember, problem solving is based on coming up with other options to deal with the issue at hand. So don't ask “How did you feel?” or even “Why did you do that?” The only real thing you want to get out of it is for your child to come up with some other ways of handling his anger or frustration. In this way, your child also has his own little game plan to fall back on. When you help your child develop another response to that situation, he will learn problem-solving skills he can use for the rest of his life.

Don’t Let Fear of Assumed Judgment Control You

Dont' be a mind reader. Most parents have fears that other people are judging them when their child acts out, so they do things to appease their kids so they’ll behave. I think that’s a mistake. Realize this: people are going to judge you; people judge each other about all kinds of things all day long. But here’s the deal: you're trying to raise your child so he can learn the life skills he needs to be successful. If you let your fear of criticism and judgment control you, you're not going to be able to accomplish your task of raising your child effectively.

Don’t Give in When Your Child Says, “I Hate You!”

Fear that your child won’t love you if you set limits on him is something many parents have a hard time with, especially when their child is old enough to say, “I don't love you—I hate you!” But, again, if you give that behavior power, it's not going to change. If you don't give it power and instead understand that it's just a stage kids go through, you won’t be influenced to back down. Kids love their parents; it’s instinctual. (Unfortunately, even kids even love parents who hurt or abuse them.) So if your child says they don’t love you, instead of getting upset, try saying, “Maybe you don’t love me right now. But you still have to do your homework.”

Get Outside Help

I recommend that you get some outside help when dealing with this issue. The simple truth is that you can't trust your willpower alone to get you through. Willpower is fine when it works—but as we all know, it doesn't always work. Try to get a support system in place, whether that's training, effective parenting classes, books you read, programs in your home, counseling, or a support group. You should have some outside support. It’s good to make the commitment to change, but in my opinion it's much more important to get the tools from outside and then try to use them one day at a time. And give yourself a break: realize that some days are going to be easier than others.

Appeal to the Authorities

If your child is behaving criminally, the sooner you can get him into the juvenile justice system, the better. Although the wheels of justice turn slowly, your child will eventually get a probation officer who will then have the power to hold him more accountable than you can. So when your child doesn't go to school, he will have to answer to his probation officer as well as you. If he misses school enough times, hopefully the probation officer will take some action. I worked with some parents who had a probation officer behind them who supported them. The probation officer would lock their child up in the youth center for a weekend if he or she violated the rules. I saw changes take place in those families. The kids started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behavior changed because there was an accountability system in place that didn't let them slide.

I always tell parents to understand that there is no quick solution to this problem, especially as the child grows older. Rather, you have to learn how to manage your child’s behavior in a way that diminishes the power of their acting out. The end goal is that your child will learn other ways to solve problems besides using power or intimidation. Just remember, kids don't surrender power easily; neither do adults. Nobody likes to give up power, so it’s not going to happen over night.

In the thirty years I worked with kids, I saw families make progress all the time. They stopped letting their children box them in with their acting-out behavior; these parents instead worked toward the goal of helping their kids learn new skills. Remember that no family is perfect. People make progress, fall back, make more progress, and even fall back again. But in the long run, families changed and these kids learned other coping skills.

Some people say that the parents are the problem, but I don’t think that’s right. I think parents are the solution, and they need training and support.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Why Giving In To Your Demanding Child Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

2010-04-04T23:20:00.000-07:00

Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End

by James Lehman, MSW

Do you walk on eggshells around your child, afraid of doing anything to set him off? Do you appease him when you notice he’s winding up to throw a tantrum? In part one of a two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains how fear of acting-out behavior sets up a dangerous pattern for your child—and the whole family.

"Now you’re negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out is going to dictate how much you give in."

All parents experience fear for their kids. They worry about their children getting sick, doing well in school, and whether or not they’ll be able to get a job and succeed in life. Being afraid for your kids is very normal, but being afraid of your kids is a phenomenon that has developed over the past several decades, and something that parents need to look at closely. And by the way, sometimes these two fears are actually tied together—fears about their child being able to make it in life actually will cause some parents to think they have to give in more; they become a cushion for their kids because mastering life skills seems so difficult for their child. But let me be clear: that’s exactly what you don’t want to do.

Young Kids: How the Pattern Starts

When a child is two or three, he learns to respond by saying “no” all the time. He starts resisting and asserting his individuality from his mother and father and often manages his anger and frustration by throwing temper tantrums. Some parents learn that you just have to wait those tantrums through, but others begin to worry that they're not able to manage their child or that they are not in control. Others worry that if they don’t give in—if they say “no” to their child—their child won’t love them anymore. In effect, these parents become afraid of their child’s acting-out behavior and are held hostage by it. They get worn down and often begin caving in to inappropriate demands as they try to appease their child instead of remaining firm and waiting the tantrum out.

So their young child develops a pattern of acting out because it works for him—it gives him power and gets him what he wants. When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child: they're alone in the house and their child is screaming and yelling and kicking. Their life seems crazy and out of control, but they don’t know how to stop it without caving in to their child.

These kids soon learn to blackmail their parents with the threat of throwing a tantrum. Pretty soon, the parent starts giving in as soon as their child starts to signal that they're going into a tantrum: maybe their child’s voice escalates or becomes shrill, or maybe they stomp their feet and scream “no.” Once that happens, a very serious pattern has begun. Now the child has actually trained the parent to give in to their demands, no matter what. If your child knows he can get you to give in by behaving inappropriately or destructively, he's going to learn to give you those cues. It’s just like being in a play: when you get your cue, you're going to read your lines: “It’s OK, don’t do that, I'll get you the toy.” Or you're going to bribe him: “Well, if you can hold off for five minutes, then I'll get you a candy bar in the car.” What you're really doing is negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out or that you can't handle the tantrum is going to dictate how much you give in.

And by the way, parents don't know this pattern is forming while it’s happening. This is not a conscious thing where people say “I'm going to give in to my kid and then he's going to become a monster.” They’re saying, “Oh man, I can't handle this right now.” And their child learns from that lesson that when you can't handle something, he'll get what he wants. So his goal then, when he wants something and you tell him no, is to set up situations you can't handle. Remember, this is not a moral issue for your child: it's not about being good or evil. Your child is not really conscious of the effects of his behavior other than it gets him his way. Children, like all living things, learn to take the easy way out. The important thing is not to blame your child or assign diabolical motives to his behavior.

It is important to realize that if your child is using inappropriate behavior to get his way, it's not a phase that will magically stop when he turns ten or twelve or even fifteen. That pattern of behavior may continue on through adolescence and into young adulthood.

Acting Out in School: When Your Child’s Behavior Controls Others

If a child has successfully used inappropriate behavior at home, you will often see them trying it out at school. After all, if their strategy works on their parents, why shouldn’t it work on their teachers, too? In kindergarten and first grade if they don't get their way they may escalate. They may tantrum, call people names, throw things on the floor and walk around in the classroom when they’re supposed to be sitting down. It's important to note that for a significant number of children, the classroom structure that teachers utilize will be sufficient to change some of these behaviors.

I’ve found that many of these kids also have a learning disability or some other factor that interferes with their ability to learn to solve problems. Think of it this way: if you have dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder or auditory processing problems, you might perceive the world as a threatening place. For these kids, it’s often much harder to learn how to solve social problems through reasonable negotiating, being patient, and learning how to accept no for an answer. So what tends to happen is they solve their problems by acting out—and that becomes their one default skill. They've developed this one trick: “Agree with me or face my crappy behavior.” And that can become their strategy for solving all problems. “Give me my way or face my crappy behavior.” They do this in school, at home, and on the bus and as long as it works, they will continue to use it. Not only is the child controlling others with his behavior, he’s not learning the problem-solving skills that he desperately needs to learn to be able to make it in life. If everyone around him is backing down, all he’s learning is how to threaten and intimidate others through fear.

How This Affects Your Family

Realize that if you have one child who controls the house with inappropriate behavior, this is not just your problem: it's also a problem for your other children. Make no mistake, dealing with an acting-out sibling can have a great and long-lasting influence on your other kids’ personalities. When siblings don’t know when, how or why their brother or sister is going to explode, it’s overwhelming and scary because they can’t control it. What often happens in these cases is that kids develop their own sub-type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will learn not to show their feelings. They may hide out in their rooms and submerge their emotions. That's because in their world, it's not safe for them to do so. It's not safe to show your feelings; it's not safe to say how you feel. After all, their sibling could explode and take it out on them at any given moment. So these kids wind up very flat emotionally; there seems to be no joy in their lives. There are things parents can do to correct these destructive patterns, but nonetheless, it's hard on everybody. [Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read James Lehman’s article, ”The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings”.]

The First Step toward Changing Your Child’s Behavior

When parents used to come to me with this problem, I’d say, “We’re going to come up with a plan to change what’s happening in your house. Let's figure out some things for you to do when things get tough so you can empower and support yourself.” I think it’s nearly impossible for people to try to rely on willpower alone to change their parenting style. Here’s the truth: their child’s behavior wasn't going to change unless the parents’ behavior changed. I believe if you work at it, things will change; and if you don't, things will stay bad or get worse. The kid who's throwing a tantrum today is going to be throwing your chair across the room in ten years. And that's how he ups the ante as he gets older. Most kids escalate; it's a natural progression. They have to be more intimidating. When you're 13, it's very awkward to lie on the floor and throw a tantrum. It's much easier to throw something across the room and hit the wall. You see these kids punch holes in walls all the time; that is the evolution of their tantrum. Certainly as they get older, the intimidation becomes more real. There are kids who hit and push their parents. There are kids who intentionally break and damage things around the house. There are kids who hit their siblings or hurt them emotionally by calling them foul names. And make no mistake, this becomes a very real problem.

If your child has trained you to be afraid of him and back down when he acts out, realize that whatever authority you had originally has diminished over time. When these kids are really in flower—when they're really showing who they are—you can't tell them anything. They'll tell you to kiss their butts. You can't tell them when to come in at night; if you put them in their room, they’ll climb out their window. Basically, they’ll come and go as they please and they’ll say, “You can't stop me.” The sad part is that unless you change the way you parent and start holding them accountable, they’re right.

In next week’s article, James Lehman will give you 7 tips on how to stop living in fear of your child’s inappropriate behavior—and learning how to start parenting more effectively.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Finding Time For Personal Growth

2010-04-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

Often the first thing that falls off the list of busy moms is time for personal growth and development. Reading a good book, attending a class or learning something new just don't seem as urgent as the kids dental appointments, cooking dinner and making sure that everyone has clean underwear and matching socks.

But in order to continue to grow and improve as a human being, you must make time for your own personal growth. And the good news is that it really doesn't take a lot of extra time, either. With some careful planning and these tips, you can have continuing personal growth and be a great mom at the same time.

1. DEDICATE A SPECIFIC TIME EACH DAY OR WEEK FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT.
It could be when the baby is having a nap or when the kids are at school. Or you could arrange a babysitter for a few hours a week. Use that precious alone time to journal, read, pray, meditate, set goals for the upcoming week or month, attend a class or anything else that makes you a better, wiser and more fully evolved human being.

2. JOIN A MOM-FRIENDLY SUPPORT GROUP.
This could be a Mommy & Me group, a group of friends with similar interests, goals and values or even an online group. Choose the group that suits you and your unique needs and don't be afraid to change if it isn't working.

3. EXERCISE YOUR MENTAL MUSCLES.
Reading, crafts, continuing education, a home based business and so on are all ways to keep your mind fresh and make you a more alive and interesting person. Being a Mom is no excuse to be dull, boring and out of touch with the world.

4. TAKE TIME TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER ADULTS.
A date with your husband, time out with a friend to go shopping or to watch a movie or to go to the day-spa are all ways to nurture yourself and other important adults in your life.

5. LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.
Learn to laugh at your mistakes rather than stress about it. And teach your kids to do the same.

6. GET REGULAR EXERCISE.
It really doesn't matter what type of exercise you do. As long enjoy it and do it regularly, you'll look and feel much better. A healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand.

7. HAVE A "PLAN B" IN PLACE.
On days when things go wrong have a back-up plan in place. For example, you may have planned to spend most of the day running errands, but now the car won't start. Instead of letting the entire day go to waste, have another plan in place. You may decide to clean out the closet or read that book you've been putting off instead.

There really is no excuse for allowing yourself to stagnate once you become a mom. With these 7 simple suggestions you can continue to be a vital, interesting person and teach your children to be the same.

Pregnant at 40! Oh God, This Wasn't Supposed To Happen!

2010-04-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

This pregnancy has come as a total surprise. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 5 and has just started preschool. I was reveling in my new found freedom and spare time ....and then the dratted pregnancy test is positive!

Shock, horror and disbelief! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was done with having babies! I had given away all baby and toddler paraphernalia - clothing, toys, books, car seat, pram, you name it.

I was just beginning to really enjoy me free time and starting to pursue a few of my own interests....interests I had put on hold (or indulged in only occasionally) for the past 15 years.
I spent the first 2 days alternating between crying and yelling at my husband that it was all his fault. As he so sagely pointed out, it takes two to tango!

But no matter how much I ranted and raved, I knew deep down that I had to accept the inevitable. There's a new life growing inside of me, whether I like it or not. I'm a naturally positive and optimistic person, and I pride myself on making the most of every situation that I'm in. I've realized that while I can't control what's happening to me (abortion is out of the question), I can control my attitude.

I can choose to make this pregnancy and the arrival of a new baby a positive experience in my life, rather than look at it as evidence that my life is over. My 5 year old is over the moon about the new baby and I must say that her excitement is rubbing off on to me.

Perhaps having this baby will teach me to slow down and to realize that a successful day doesn't come from having ticked off all the items on my to-do list, but rather from how many lives I have touched in a positive way and how many people I have given my unconditional love to. Perhaps that what success really is.

Do You Know What Goes On In The Mind Of A Bully?

2010-03-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them

by James Lehman, MSW

Why do some kids turn to bullying? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it's easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. Bullying is the proverbial “easy way out,” and sadly, some kids take it.

Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. They’ve never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fear—fear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, “If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace around here.” So the bully's attitude is, “Give me my way or face my aggression.”

Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. I've seen many families that operate this way. I’m not just talking about the adults in the family, either—there are countless children who throw tantrums for the same reason: they’re saying, “Give me my way or face my behavior.” And if you as a parent don't start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older.

Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they're going to break something or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in their teens—it usually begins when a child is five or six.

Portrait of a Bully

Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as I mentioned, is bullying at home—maybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problem-solving skills.

Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with other people—they just control them. The way they’re solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrained—it has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed.

Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't know how to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's probably alone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; he’s roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. That’s a very seductive kind of thing for kids; it’s very hard for them to let go of that power.

Adolescents and Gang Mentality

When we talk about adolescent bullying, we're entering into another phenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in high school today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups that will attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gang mentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names and questioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them. If a teen or pre-teen doesn't want to be a victim, they have to join a group. The kids who don't socialize very well—the shy or passive types—often become the targets. And the threat of violence is always behind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I think very destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators who ignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kidding themselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to be a lot more accountability.

Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who are the targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullying throughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kids who are targets will think there's something wrong with them, and this vicious cycle—because that is truly what this is—perpetuates itself. Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and control themselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unless there's a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school, nothing will change. It's a challenge, but I firmly believe it can be done.

1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early Age

I think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what a bully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words in your house somewhere):

A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don't want to do.

A bully is somebody who hits other people.

A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people's property.

A bully is someone who calls other people names.

Then you have to set a standard that says, “We don't do that in our house.” Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what the word means, and say, “You're accountable for that kind of behavior in our house.”

I think it’s also important that you talk about how to treat others. Ask your child, “How should you treat others?” And the answer is, “You treat others with respect ; if they don't respect you back, walk away. Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threatening them, or hitting them.” You can also say, “You listen to others. You accept others. If they don't want to play with your toys or they don't want to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that.” This is not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think children need to have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. That way, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it and stop the behavior, both in themselves and others.

2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members. When he’s bullying his siblings, don’t get sucked into his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not give him the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.

When a bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control.

Don't forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions—they see the world in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you’ll frequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for their behavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: they believe what they think, and that's what you've got to challenge. You can say directly, “It sounds like you’re blaming Jesse for the fact that you punched him. It is not Jesse’s fault that you hit him.”

Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I think that many try. That's what detentions, suspensions and expulsions are all about—if your child breaks the rules, he should be held accountable, and it’s very important that you let him deal with the natural consequences and not try to shield him.

3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn

Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solve social problems and deal with their emotions without acting out behaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, “What happens when other kids don't want to play your games? What do you do? What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won't give them to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when you think you're right and they're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it?”

Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage his emotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice, how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn how to check things out, and to ask himself, “Is what I'm seeing really happening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad mood today?”

Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If their impulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they have to learn to deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescents have the impulse to hurt others—they have impulses to do all kinds of things. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully are no exception.

4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in School

Kids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home—they should absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And the consequences should go like this: your child should be deprived of doing something he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cell phone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they should write an essay or letter on what they're going to do next time they're in the same situation or feel the same way—instead of bullying. It’s critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solve this problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that’s where you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In the Total Transformation Program, there's an interview process I outline where parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems, rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. If your child is hurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solve problems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that explore emotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so the conversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for their behavior.

I think your child's teachers should handle the process of having your child make amends for his behavior at school. But remember that bullies don't stop bullying when they get home—they often target younger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child is bullying—be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don't forget, your child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people and working things out—is very hard for him. Again, your child is taking the easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning how to negotiate in social situations—in fact, we may work on this skill our whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in your family when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullying as a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work even harder as a parent to coach them on what to do.

When Bullies Grow Up

Make no mistake, if a child bullies, that tendency can stay with them their whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leave school. You'll see them get into their early twenties and go their own way; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, and they stop their bullying behavior.

But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers to somebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations.

If you think your child is bullying others, it’s very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his life—and will continue to do so if it’s left to fester. If you expect your child to “outgrow” bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that you’re also taking the risk that he may not—and that choice may negatively affect him for the rest of his life.

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Giveaway of Bath & Body Giftset

2010-03-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

Herban Renewal is offering one lucky reader a chance to win a
Livi.Lu.Lu Angel Kitty Gift Set.

Livi.Lu.Lu knows everything a girl wants and packs it all in a grab bag affixed to a large, plush, cuddle-worthy angelic kitty. Sparkling Fab and Fruity Lotion teamed up with Shimmering Shower Gel makes a girl's skin happy.
Pucker up and smooth on the luscious Livi.Lu.Lu Glittery Lip Balm and then it's time to call the BFFs over and use the fun nail polish to get those fingers and toes glamed!

And since Livi.Lu.Lu lives in Texas where
girls are just a little bit ornery, the set also includes colorful little rubber balls perfect for tossing at brothers - or maybe just rolling by real kittens. Order online at www.herbanrenewalinc.com.

To enter, please put your details into the box below. This giveaway ends on the 10th April 2010 and the winner will be announced right here on the blog.

About Herban Renewal
All Herban Renewal bath and body personal care products deliver a pure, soothing, refreshing reward at an economical price point - herbal indulgence for every day!

The company's products - available online at
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Herban Renewal products are based on the very best, natural ingredients right from the garden. The company three product lines of hand-cut soaps and bubble baths that smell good enough to eat (although they don't recommend it), lotions that revitalize from the outside in, body dusts that give you a
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Home By Choice Book Review

2010-03-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

Home by Choice: Raising Emotionally Secure Children in an Insecure World as the title suggests, is a book about the importance the mother-child bond plays in the healthy development of a child. According to Dr. Hunt the best way to ensure your child's optimal emotional, physical and emotional development is to stay home and make parenting your children your primary responsibility.

Dr. Hunt speaks from her own experience and candidly shared the mistakes she made raising her own children. She offers hope and advice to all mothers of young children. Drawing on both her own experience and the latest research Dr. Hunt shows mothers how to form a strong and lasting bond of attachment with their children even though you may not have had that as a child. She also explains why a child needs to bond with his mother (not caregivers or grandparents) - There are hidden implications that you may never have even considered.

She then goes on to explain why daycare research done by female psychologists may not always be accurate and how they are sometimes very unfairly biased. Everything I read made sense, especially when I thought of my husband. He was raised by a cold, unloving and emotionally unavailable woman and is still suffering because of it.

The many negative side effects of daycare that Dr. Hunt describes in Home By Choice are also clearly visible in my nephew who is the product of a broken home and was in daycare from the time he was 3 years old.

Unlike other books on the importance of being a stay at home mom, Dr. Hunt acknowledges that many moms have no choice but to work. She provides a few alternatives to full-time employment outside the home, such as part-time employment or working from home. She says "Part-time employment allows a woman to maintain her skills and still go grocery shopping, attend Little League games, volunteer at school and at Church, and have something left in her emotional bank for her children and husband on a daily basis."

And if you think that only younger children need you to be home, then you're wrong. An entire chapter in "Home By Choice" is dedicated to why teenagers need their moms as much as younger kids.

And if you've been influenced by the work of ardent feminists such as Gloria Steinhem, Betty Friedan and Germaine Greer, then Dr. Hunt reveals the surprising link between these women's viewpoints and their troubled childhoods.

The chapter on "Why Kids Kill" Dr. Hunt says that the absence of healthy attachment to parents is the reason that some kids turn into cold-blooded killers.

"Home by Choice" also has advice on how to create a life that nourishes mother and child, how to develop your talents as a stay at home mom, dealing with your own painful childhood, and with husbands who want you to work rather than stay home and care for your kids.

All in all "Home by Choice" is a fantastic read, and I feel that it should be required reading for all moms. The copy that I reviewed was borrowed from the local library.

If Home By Choice sounds like a book that you would want to read, then perhaps these books might be of interest to you, too.

Thrill Your Child This Easter With A Personalized Letter From The Easter Bunny

2010-03-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

"5 Simple Ways To Make The Easter Holiday More Delightful For Children And Adults”

For most people, young and old alike, Easter is one of the most meaningful holidays celebrated, and as such, we give the holiday a lot of attention and preparation. Not only do we plan family events and get togethers, but we also decorate and shop for special gifts and treats. This is especially important for anyone that has special children in their lives.

Let’s face it, most adults agree that the joy and delight experienced by kids on Easter is what puts fun in the holiday. The truth is that most adults have wonderful memories of childhood Easters. These are cherished memories that usually center around The Easter Bunny and the fun things related to him. And adults always want the children they love to enjoy life in every way possible. Therefore, it just makes sense that adults want to continue and share well-loved traditions. These are ways that adults can help children capture the magical essence of Easter.

While the holiday has a very religious basis it also symbolizes new beginnings and hope. And of course, this aspect of Easter is important, but for kids everywhere it is The Easter Bunny that makes the holiday special. With that in mind, it’s not surprising then that adults strive to keep children believing in The Easter Bunny for as long as possible. The truth is that adults enjoy the idea of magic and miracles as much as kids do, and when a child no longer believes in The Easter Bunny the Easter holiday seems to lose some of its glitter.

Even though every family is unique and thus, will observe some traditions that are distinctively their own, there are still some holiday basics that are somewhat universal. And fortunately, there are some simple steps that can be taken to help keep children believing in The Easter Bunny for a long, long time. Check out the ideas below – you’re sure to find at least a couple that you can add to your Easter holiday plans. Both you and the kids will have a great time!

1) Plan a special time for writing letters to The Easter Bunny. Whether we know it or not, most kids write Easter Bunny letters every year. It’s true that this is sometimes done secretly – usually because the child feels unsupported in the act of believing in The Easter Bunny. The reality is that kids love it when adults encourage and support such fun activities. Show enthusiasm and encourage your child to write about favorite candy and treats as well as his or her behavior. After all, The Easter Bunny keeps track of which little boys and girls have been good. They’re the ones that get special treats, right? You can also add to the fun by prompting the children to decorate the letters and envelops in a special way for The Easter Bunny.

2) Don’t forget that your children will be hoping to receive a Letter From The Easter Bunny. Of course, you can try to write a letter that will look convincing enough to make your child believe it came from The Easter Bunny. The letter should include at least a bit of personalized information in order to make it more believable. Be sure to include your child’s name and maybe even the name of a friend. Adding the child’s town will help provide assurance that The Easter Bunny knows where to find him or her. Believe it or not, a Letter from The Easter Bunny can make a huge difference in how long a child believes in the idea that Peter Cotton Tail will be delivering goodies on Easter.

Be sure to use nice paper that gives an authentic appearance. It’s a good idea to add a letterhead that depicts The Easter Bunny. That will add to the genuine look. You can create this effect yourself or you can purchase special stationery that will work really well.

3) Encourage your child to leave a special snack out for The Easter Bunny. It’s up to you what sort of snack you leave out – it could be a carrot, a cookie, or just about anything at all. You see, if you participate in this process it will show your child that you believe as much as he or she does. The idea is to use this time as an opportunity to spend quality time with your child. These are the building blocks of cherished memories.

Along with the snack you can also leave a little note for The Easter Bunny. This note can include any final requests for a special treat or goodie as well as a special message to The Easter Bunny that will let him know that the treat was made especially for him.

Don’t forget to make it look like The Easter Bunny actually ate the snack. You can leave some pieces or even scribble a quick ‘Thank You’ note from The Easter Bunny. Another quick idea is to make some large ‘rabbit footprints’ in your house. That is proof that The Easter Bunny visited.

4) About a month after Easter you can send your children a postcard from The Easter Bunny. This will help keep your children believing and it will let them know that The Easter Bunny thinks about them year round. This helps to establish the fact that The Easter Bunny lives and loves all the time, not only at Easter. And if your child wonders about what The Easter Bunny does at other times during the year this will help provide some easy answers.

5) Let The Easter Bunny send your child a birthday message. This technique works hand in hand with the postcard idea. Once again a greeting from the Easter Bunny at a time other than Easter will help make him more real to children. It proves that he is there all the time, not just during Easter, and that adds to the magical power of the holiday hero. Your child will love knowing that The Easter Bunny knows and remembers his or her birthday.

These are the things that cherished memories are made of – this is how to create a childhood that will always be remembered fondly. Writing letters to The Easter Bunny and receiving a personalized letter from The Easter Bunny adds time for families to connect in a positive way. The Easter holiday becomes even more meaningful to everyone involved as the entire family enjoys a stronger bond. And when your child becomes an adult you can trust that he or she will want the same ideals for his/her own family. The favorite traditions will be passed on through the generations and The Easter Bunny will continue to live in our hearts forever!

These tips brought to you by The Easter Bunny! Get a Personalized Letter from The Easter Bunny today at: www.PackageFromTheEasterBunny.com

Does Your Child Think He's The Boss?

2010-03-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

"My Child Thinks He's the Boss!"
How to Get Back Control of Your Home

by James Lehman, MSW

Why do some kids try to become the so-called “alpha dogs” of their families? The answer lies in an old saying: Nature abhors a vacuum. And in my experience, if there's a vacuum of power in a family, somebody's going to try to fill it.

Understand that some mature, older kids do gain some authority in their families, and that’s natural. In fact, it works well when you have a very responsible, “adultified” child. Often, the oldest child in a family will take on a leadership role among his siblings. And when that child has a pretty good balance of behavior, he will try to follow through on house rules; his behavior usually won’t pose a problem.

“But if your child does something inappropriate and you don't give him any consequences, you're really going to look powerless.”

But if a child doesn't have that balance or maturity, or if the parents aren’t clearly in control of the family structure, it’s another story altogether. Some kids will start to compete with their parents for power from an early age. Instead of following through on the adults’ wishes, they’ll be more interested in controlling their siblings and calling all the shots in the house. In other words, they will start filling that vacuum.

Sometimes the vacuum in parental authority exists because of work and school schedules. In families today where both parents often work, there are frequently times when kids are left under the care of older siblings. A gap is then created which a certain kind of child will fill. And if the child has his own negative intentions, he’ll have plenty of time without adult supervision to intimidate and manipulate the other kids in the family. He will use this time to go against his parents’ wishes and play the big shot. He might give his younger siblings ice cream after school, for example, even though it’s against the rules. Or he may intimidate them when it’s their turn to go on the computer, so he can stay on as long as he wants. And when you get home, if his younger siblings tattle on this child, he’ll get them back the next day. This means that for the other children in your family, there is no safety. It becomes very easy for your dominant child to control the family from here on out.

Parents are often initially afraid to stand up to a child who’s bossing everyone around. This might be because there’s been a parenting gap all the while, or because they depend on this child to supervise the other kids when they’re gone. But if they avoid talking to their dominant child about this, they will soon see a shift in the balance of power. At some point, their younger kids will surmise that the adults cannot protect them from their “bossy” sibling. Once the younger kids believe they aren’t safe, then they have to make their own separate deals with that sibling. And that deal usually involves giving in to him and following his lead.

When this happens, you’ll see all kinds of inappropriate behavior begin to blossom and thrive. Sometimes these “alpha dog” kids are funny, so they become clowns and make unkind jokes at their parents’ expense. By the way, I'm not talking about a child who makes a harmless joke, I'm talking about one who will put his parents down and make demeaning comments about them. His siblings laugh at those jokes because they're more afraid of his power than they are of their parents’ authority. And why shouldn’t they be? When this dynamic is controlling a family, the dominant child is much more powerful and has a greater impact on their lives than the parents do.

As things build to a head, the parents feel less and less in control and more and more perplexed and overwhelmed by what’s happening. Often, they are not really sure what to do. A family in this situation has really hit a level where they aren’t functioning in a healthy way anymore.

If I had the parents of this kind of bossy or dominant child in my office, I would say, “Maybe you can help what’s happening right now and maybe you can't, but let's get one thing clear: your child’s goal is to have power and control. And because of the makeup of his personality, he’s using that power and control to be negative. He’s using it to undermine you, to intimidate his siblings, and to be disrespectful toward you. He has an opportunity, and he's using it to make himself feel better and stronger.”

I would then sit down with them and come up with a plan to help them take the power out of their child’s hands and put it back into theirs—where it belongs in any healthy family structure.

How to Take Back Power from a Child Who Thinks He’s the Boss

Have Clear Expectations of Your Child and Hold Him Accountable

You have to set limits on any child who is trying to run the family and hold him accountable. Parents are afraid that if they say, “Go to your room,” their dominant child will say, “Screw you!” So those parents might think they’ll look powerless in front of their other kids when this child refuses to comply.

But here’s the rub: If your other kids see you direct your child to his room and he refuses, they know that their brother has the problem. Conversely, if your child does something inappropriate and you don't give him any consequences, you're really going to look powerless. In other words, if you tell him to go to his room and he says “No, I'm not going—and you can't make me,” you actually look powerful to your other kids. Your acting-out child looks primitive and wrong when he defies you. The other kids know where he's supposed to go, and even if he refuses, they still see you being the parent.

If you try to avoid a scene because you're afraid you're going to lose face, what tends to happen is that your child will slowly gain more and more power, and that will be confusing to your younger kids. I’ve found that the gut reactions of many parents in this situation are often wrong. They might think, “We'll let him slide this time; we'll just negotiate with him later.” But they're negotiating with the wrong person, because what this child wants more than anything is to maintain power and control—and unfortunately, his parents are handing it to him on a platter.

Make no mistake, if your child is using power to solve relational, social or functional problems, he will never be able to get enough. This is because he’s being driven by insecurities and fears. There's just not enough that you as a parent can ever give him—so your child will simply continue to challenge you more and more.

To Get Back Parental Authority, Get Control of Your Bossy Child First

If you want to get control back over all your children, you have to first get control of your dominant child. Even though your other kids may be acting out as well, your “alpha dog” kid is causing the imbalance in authority; consequently, he is the one you have to manage. While naturally you have to hold your other children accountable for their actions too, your priority right now is to address the behavior of your dominant child. That means that you have to give him consequences that he can't undermine--and then you need to be firm and follow through on them.

I also want to make a very important point here: when your younger kids act out, don't make excuses for their behavior. Don’t let them off the hook by saying “Oh, they're under a bad influence.” It's easy for parents to see the younger kids in the family as victims. But don't forget, just because you're a victim doesn't mean you get to break the law. You have to hold your other kids accountable for their behavior, too. If they protest and say, “But Michael's doing it,” you can reply, “We're dealing with Michael. But know that when you break the rules, there are going to be consequences.”

Change the Routine

If your alpha dog child uses after school time to take over the house, change the routine. That might mean he’ll go to somebody else's house when school gets out, where he will be supervised by an adult—or it might mean that your other kids will go elsewhere. The point is, if his controlling, bossy behavior is occurring around a certain time of day or in certain situations, work to break out of the pattern by changing things up. Limits have to be set, and this is often a good place to start if you can manage to do so.

Don’t Over-negotiate with Your Child

If you over-negotiate with a child who’s trying to be the boss, you're giving him the message that he's your equal. In my opinion, that's not a good message for a child or adolescent to have who is already acting out. Soon he’ll start bargaining with you in order to behave appropriately. And believe me, there's a big difference between motivating kids with a reward system versus bargaining with them. I think when you’re bargaining with your child, he’s often wearing you down until you give in. You end up saying, “Okay, as long as you behave, you can have your way.” In contrast, when you're rewarding someone, it's clear that you're the one with the authority giving out the reward. Bargaining with your child isn’t effective because you’re still not in control in the way that you need to be with him.

Write up a Contract with Your Child

I don’t believe contracts are magic wands. But I do believe that if everybody understands what the game is and what the rules are, the chances of your child following those rules increase. In my experience working with kids, I’ve also found that if something is written down on paper, it becomes more real to them.

So sit down and draw up a contract with your child that clearly defines what he has to do in certain key areas. It should state that if he complies with the contract, he will be rewarded—and it should specifically outline what those rewards will be. It should also be very clear what the consequences will be for competing with you as a parent.

Here’s how that would play out. If your child is disrespectful and he's told go to his room, as long as he complies, the matter is settled. The protocol once he gets to his room might be that he needs to stay there ten minutes, calm down, and talk to you about what he's going to do differently next time. But if he refuses anywhere along the line, that's when the consequences set in. If he starts to act out, you can say, “This is in our contract, and you agreed to it. Now hand me your iPod.” Remember, as kids get older, they want more sophisticated privileges and rewards. Going to school dances, going to parties, or driving the car are some examples. Use these for leverage.

Expect Some Pushback

You should expect your child to react really strongly to the new structure you impose as soon as you establish it. Adolescents do not give up power easily. Your family may even go through some chaos for a time as your child fights against you. But you have to make that value judgment. Ask yourself, “Is it worth living like this, or is it worth going through some chaos for awhile to correct the situation?” Personally, I think parents have a responsibility to protect all their kids. And they need to protect them from everybody, including from each other—and from themselves.

Appeal to Your Child’s Sense of Maturity in a Positive Way

I think it’s good to reward positive behavior in your child whenever you see it. Use that hypodermic affection by saying, “Hey, I noticed you talking nicely to your little brother today. Good job.” You can build in some incentives by saying, “We know you want to feel like an older brother. So if you follow this plan, you can stay up an hour later than the other kids. You can watch TV and have the computer to yourself during that hour, but this is the way you have to act.” Use the carrot and the stick. There is nothing wrong with rewarding appropriate behavior.

Parents Need to Get on the Same Page

I think it's important for parents to come up with a game plan that outlines how they’ll deal with their children. It should be a plan they're both comfortable with. Parents have to meet and get clear about their message before presenting it to their kids. So if one parent tends to say things like, “Look, Will can't help it, he has ADHD,” but the other parent says, “No, he's responsible for his behavior just like the other kids are,” they'd better get that settled behind closed doors—or at least, they should know where they stand.

Two parents who can't get on the same page about how to hold their kids accountable can easily create that vacuum in power which their acting-out child will only be too happy to fill.

Advice for Single Moms and Dads

If you're a single parent, I think it’s important for you to keep the expectations for appropriate behavior very clear. In my opinion, all the kids should do more in a single parent family. They should have more responsibilities in general, and they should pitch in and help out. Often, there is an older child who has more responsibility, and I think in any family system, those who have more responsibility should have more rewards.

But if you’re a single parent and one of your children begins getting into power struggles with you, you have to set limits very clearly on their behavior. Talk with your child very frankly about it. You can say, “You're a big help to me, but you're not my co-parent. And because you're a big help, I try to let you do some things on your own. I’m trying to be flexible with you. But remember, I'm the parent—and you're the child.”

"My Child Thinks He's the Boss!"
How to Get Back Control of Your Home reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Easter Gift Ideas For Under $30

2010-03-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

Easter is a wonderful time to spoil the little kids you love. But you don't have to spend a fortune to do that. Here are some ideas that are all under $30. In fact some gifts are under $10!

What would Easter be without candy. A gift basket filled with Easter Candy will always be welcome and put a smile on the face of that special child.

Stuffed-bunny soft toy rabbits are another popular choice for young children.

For kids, who love reading books you can always give them a good book as an Easter present. Keep an Easter theme

Older kids might like a personalized Easter Mug, like the one below.

An ever popular choice with young children is a letter from the Easter Bunny.

The Value of 15 Minutes

2010-03-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

If you're like most stay home moms, you probably have to leave several things undone each day simply because you don't have the time. Or perhaps you are waiting for a large chunk of uninterrupted time to tackle a big task.

A few years ago, I learned about the value of using small fragments of time productively, rather than just letting them slip away. Instead of thinking in larger time slots of an hour or more, I began focusing on 15 minute time slots. Although 15 minutes may not seem like much, you'll be surprised at how quickly it can all add up.

Here are 5 tips for getting the most out of your 15 minute time fragments.

1. If you're always late getting out of the door in the mornings, set the alarm 15 minutes earlier to give you more time to get ready and to eat breakfast. You'll be amazed at what a difference 15 minutes can make to your day.

2. Is your house cluttered and you don't know where to start? De-clutter in 15 minute segments. Set the timer and sort/organize the top of a desk, drawer or shelf. Use 15 minutes between other appointments or other tasks to de-clutter and organize your home. After a few days or weeks of de-cluttering in 15 minute segments, you'll be surprised at how much better your home looks.

3. Take 15 minutes to plan your menus for the week. Then take another 15 minutes to create your grocery list. This will reduce the amount of trips you have to make to the grocery store and you won't open the freezer at 4:30pm wondering what on earth you can make for supper tonight.

4. Spend 15 minutes each morning or evening creating a to-do list and prioritizing it in order of importance. The during the day, take a few minutes more to check your to-do list and cross off tasks that have been completed and adjust or add other tasks if necessary.

Three Steps to Time Management for the Single Mom workbook (1-2-3 ... Get Organized series)

5. Spend 15 minutes tidying up at night before you go to bed. It's so much more pleasant to wake up to a tidy home instead of one looking as if it's been hit by a bomb-shell.
Three Steps to Time Management for the Working Mom workbook (1-2-3 ... Get Organized series)

So there you have it. 5 tips for making the most of 15 minute segments that pop up during your day. Put them into practice and your friends will soon be asking you how you manage to get it all done.

How To Deal With A Screaming Child While Shopping

2010-03-13T23:44:00.001-08:00

How To Deal With a Screaming Child While Shopping on Howcast

Are You A Compulsive Shopper?

2010-03-12T23:20:00.000-08:00

Are you a compulsive shopaholic? Do you get a thrill when you just hear the word sale? Does buying new things make you feel good? Do you shop when you feel sad, disappointed and depressed? Do you buy items because they are on sale, even if you don’t need them and will never use them?

Then chances are that you are a shopaholic. You have an addiction that is as serious as an alcoholic. And just like an alcoholic’s addiction can lead him down the path to ruin and destruction, so can yours.

So what can you do to curb your impulsive spending and save yourself from financial ruin?

The first (and most important) thing to do is to change your mindset. – We’re all conditioned by the media to be a buyers. Most of us get a buzz just from buying something new, whether we need it or not. In fact, many people even feel grateful to the seller just for letting them buy their product!

Jerry McColl in his excellent e-book Cash Stretching 101 says that you need to realize that

“ YOU:
• Are a person who deserves the best value in return for the money you give to other people.
• Have options – there are almost always alternative products of equal or even better value.
• Don’t have to buy that particular item.
• Don’t have to buy from that supplier.
• Don’t have to buy now.
• Don’t have to buy anything.

………………. it’s your money and your choice.”

He also goes on to say that you don't have to rush in to any buy something just because your friends or colleagues have that item. It’s important to first decide whether you can afford the item, whether you really need it (or just want it) and if it is good value for you.

Jerry is the author of Cash Stretching 101 . “This book is designed to help you live leaner, lighter and better.
Cash Stretching 101 is filled with dozens of practical, painless, and quick tactics to get you better value when you have to spend money, and to help you save more money without affecting your lifestyle.

If you’d like to find out how to live a rich, comfortable and happy life regardless of the size of your paycheck please visit http://www.moneystretchingtips.com
Free money stretching tips delivered straight to your inbox.

Creating A Culture of Accountability In Your Home

2010-03-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

by Megan Devine, Parental Support Line Advisor

The father's voice on the other end of the Parental Support Line sounded exhausted and overwhelmed when he said, "I know you told me that I have to hold my child accountable, but what exactly does that mean?”

It’s an excellent question, and one that we receive often on the Support Line. You’ve probably noticed that we talk a lot about “accountability” in Empowering Parents, as well. But have you ever wondered what it really means to hold your child accountable?

It's never too early—and it's never too late—to start a Culture of Accountability in your home.

I think it’s often helpful for parents to break big concepts down into bite-sized pieces in order to fully understand them. The word “accountable” itself means responsible, or taking responsibility for one’s actions. So when we’re talking about our kids, the question becomes, how will you make sure your child accounts for his or her actions? In other words, how will your child take responsibility for their behavior after the fact? And how can we help them think about that responsibility before they behave inappropriately?

Remember, we want to promote a system of responsibility and accountability for actions in our home. James Lehman calls it a “Culture of Accountability,”and it means that each member of the family is responsible for their own actions and behaviors, each person is responsible for following rules and expectations, and each is responsible for how they respond to stressful or frustrating situations. The simple truth is that most kids, and even some grown-ups, don’t take responsibility for their actions. Without accountability in place, kids blame others for their actions, refuse to follow rules they find unfair, and find ways to justify their behavior. For example, if your child breaks the house rules by calling his siblings rude names or being physically aggressive with them, he may be in the habit of blaming his brother or sister for his verbal abuse. You’ll hear things like “She wouldn’t get off the computer and I wanted to use it!” or “He wouldn’t move, so I pushed him.”

Understand this: when you have created a Culture of Accountability in your home, your child will know that no matter who started it or what happened first, everyone is responsible for their own behavior, and everyone has to follow the rules. Just because he was using the computer doesn’t mean he can call his sister foul names because blaming someone else doesn’t change the rules. As James says, “there is no excuse for abuse, period.”

Giving consequences and sticking to them is another important piece of the accountability puzzle: your child should know that if he chooses to break the rules, there will be a consequence for that choice. The bottom line is that no one in the family should get away with changing the rules to fit their needs or feelings.

Let me use an example from the work world. Let’s say it’s your job to make sure that a shipment of light bulbs arrives safely at their destination, but you were preoccupied and did not check the shipping boxes, and many of the light bulbs arrived damaged and broken. Your boss will likely hold you accountable for the breakage. You may not like it, but it is your job to meet those expectations—and if you don’t meet them, you won’t get paid. You can’t blame it on someone else, as it was your responsibility to check the boxes. Since your job’s Culture of Accountability says that you’re in charge of the light bulbs, you understand that you need to take responsibility for what happened. You may have to discuss what went wrong, and explain how you will make sure to do it differently next time—and you will probably have to work a little longer that day to fix the problem. That’s the heart of what it means to be responsible.

This is similar to what James is talking about when he says you need to hold your children accountable. You have rules and expectations for your child, and they are responsible for following those rules. If they don’t follow them, they do not get “paid” with the privileges and rewards they value. Again, blaming others or acting inappropriately does not relieve them of their responsibility to meet the expectations of the family.

You might be thinking “I know my child is responsible for meeting our expectations and following our rules, but how do I hold him accountable when he doesn’t want to be?” Remember, as James often says, you can’t get your child to want to do something he doesn’t want to do. You can, however, use effective parenting strategies in combination with rewards and consequences to get hold child accountable.

How to Be Clear about Expectations and Set Clear Limits

If you have a rule in your home of no name calling, here’s how you can set clear expectations and limits around it. Let your child know the following: “In this house, we don’t call people names. It doesn’t matter if someone makes you really angry, or if they started it. Each person is responsible for following the rules. If you call someone else names—remember, it doesn’t matter who started it—you will lose some of your game time today.”

Kids will often try to shift the focus to someone else. If this happens, you can say, “It sounds like you’re blaming your brother for the fact that you called him names.” Be sure all members of the family know that putting the blame on someone else will no longer be acceptable. In a Culture of Accountability, each person is responsible for their own actions, and for following the rules, no matter what someone else does. Be clear about the rules, and what each person can expect to see happen if they choose not to follow those rules.

Talk to Your Child and Help Them Figure out How They Will Follow the Rules

It isn’t enough to simply say “don’t do that;” kids often need to know what they can do, not just what they can’t do. Help them problem solve. Ask your acting-out child, “What can you do to help meet our rules and expectations?” Remember, it doesn’t matter if they think the expectations are fair or not; they simply need to take responsibility for meeting them. Remind your child: “It’s your responsibility to control your temper. Just because your brother is bothering you does not mean you can push him. If your brother is annoying you, and you’re tempted to call him names, what can you do instead?” You might have your child write down a list of the things they can do to help themselves follow the rules when they are tempted to break them.

Use Cueing

Once your children have come up with ways they will help themselves follow the rules, you can use what James calls “cueing” – giving a reminder of what is expected. When you hear your child start to get annoyed, you might say, “Remember what we’ve been talking about. You are responsible for following the rules. Why don’t you go check your list of things that you’re going to do when you’re having trouble following the rules?” To help create that Culture of Accountability for everyone, you might also consider posting the family rules in a public area in your home, like the refrigerator door.

Use Consequences to Hold Your Child Accountable

Once you have clarified the rules and helped your child come up with some ideas on how he might behave, let him know what he can expect to see happen if he still chooses to break the rules. Remember, tie the consequences to your child’s behavior, and keep them short-term. For example, let your child know, “If you choose to call your brother names, you will lose access to your electronics until you can speak appropriately for two hours.” Be sure to follow through with the consequences you set; remember, without clear consequences, there is no real incentive for your child to become accountable.

The good news is that creating a Culture of Accountability is a very reachable goal for parents. In fact, effective parenting helps your child learn to be accountable—to both accept responsibility for meeting the expectations of your family, and to develop the skills they need to meet those expectations. And when all the members of your family start becoming accountable to each other, your kids will have a clear understanding of the rules and will be much more motivated to uphold them. You will even see your kids trying to follow the rules when they don’t want to do so, because they will know that they will be held responsible for their choices, no matter how they feel or what excuses they give you.

Realize that when you first try to put the Culture of Accountability into place in your home, your kids may fail to meet their responsibilities, even with clear limits and good problem solving techniques. It will take practice to help them understand that they will be held accountable for their actions. But as James says, “parents are the solution, not the problem.” You can teach your children the skills they need to take responsibility in their lives now, and for their future. With consistency and practice, your kids will learn that they are responsible for their actions and behaviors. It’s never too early—and it’s never too late—to start a Culture of Accountability in your home.

How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Megan Devine is a Parental Support Line Specialist and writer. She holds a Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College. She has a children’s career book in pre-publication, and has several other books in the works.

More Ideas For Family Fun

2010-03-04T21:49:00.000-08:00

In the previous article Family Fun Time At The Library I showed you 5 ways to use your local library to find ideas for fun family activities. In this article I'm going to expand beyond the library to help you come up with even more ideas for fun family-friendly activities.

1. The Internet.
The Information Super Highway is a treasure trove of information on anything and everything. You can use it to look for places you'd like to visit or for hobbies or activities that your family would like to pursue, for example stamp collecting or hang gliding.

2. Bookstores.
Bookstores are also a wealth of ideas and information. It's best to focus on the travel books and the regional publications. Buy 2 or 3 books that appeal to you. Consider them an investment in your family's future. Not only will these books give you great ideas, they will also provide you with the background/historical information on the places that you visit. This adds a richness and a depth to the visit and makes for a more culturally enriching and educational experience.

An added benefit is that your child will learn the value of books and some research skills through your example. These are gifts that will last a lifetime.

3. Local Magazines Newspapers.
Local publications are another great source of information on things to do and places to see right in your area. Weekend papers, usually the Sunday paper, have a magazine that lists all the local activities that are happening that week. The travel section of the newspaper has information about events in your city - everything from chess club to dog shows and garage sales.

4. Yellow Pages
Look under "Travel Agent" or "Travel and Tours" for people who are willing and able to help no matter what your needs are. Simply pick up the phone and you may just discover a whole new world to explore right in your home town.

5. And last, but not least, ask family and friends for recommendations. It's best to choose people who have kids in similar age groups and with similar interests as your family. Those who stay home each week and watch TV are not likely to have many good ideas.

"I want it now!"

2010-02-28T10:26:00.000-08:00

“I Want It Now!” How to Challenge a False Sense of Entitlement in Kids

by James Lehman, MSW

Almost as soon as your child begins to talk, you’ll start to hear him ask for things. In fact, when an infant cries, he’s asking for food or to be made more comfortable. By the time he reaches the age of four or five, his constant refrain becomes: “Can I have this, Mom? Can I have that?" The unending requests for new toys or candy and an “I want it now” attitude may follow you every time you go to the store. Parents want to give to their kids for many reasons. It's partly instinctual—back in the Stone Age, “giving to your child” might have meant providing food, shelter and protection. Those urges are still there. Unfortunately, if you give in to every little want and need your child expresses, you are really feeding and nurturing a sense of false entitlement—which I believe can lead to problems later on.

The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.”

I think it’s important to keep in mind that parents and kids get some powerful messages in our society. One of the most prevalent is, “The more you give your child, the better parent you are.” Children are also led to believe they're entitled to receive. Commercials, TV shows, movies, and their friends at school all tell kids, “This is the new thing. This is what everybody's getting. If you don’t have it, you won’t be cool.” So it’s easy for you as a parent to feel obligated to give to your child—and pretty soon, your child will grow to expect it. This can lead to parents giving much more than their kids need—and sometimes, more than their family can really afford.

Children also get a false sense of entitlement by being overly praised for things, and rewarded for tasks that they should be doing as a matter of course. There’s nothing wrong with rewarding achievement and excellence, but it becomes a problem when you reward mediocre efforts.

I’ve also worked with many parents who have the following fantasy: they imagine their child talking to their friends, saying, “My parents are great. They got me these new sneakers.” Or, “My dad’s the best—he bought me this bike.” Maybe your child is saying that, and maybe he’s not. Regardless, this thought often makes parents feel proud and good about themselves, and it motivates them to spend more than is good or necessary. There are those parents who want to be their child's friend—and consequently, they will often buy their child things because they’re afraid they’ll lose the friendship. This pattern may continue until the child reaches young adulthood. By that time, he firmly believes that his parents “owe” him whatever he wants. So the confluence of instinct and social pressure—and the need to be liked by their kids—can often make parents overindulge their children.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying it’s not a good thing to give to your children. But I do believe that the way you give to them can either help them develop a sense of ownership by earning things, or nurture a sense of false entitlement because they’re usually getting what they want, when they want it. And when kids grow up with a false sense of entitlement, you'll see them thinking they're entitled to expensive toys, electronic gadgets, trips and cars without having to earn them. They will do poorly in school and still want that car when they turn 18—and expect to get it. They’ll even tell their parents there's something wrong with them if they don't give them what they want, regardless of the family’s financial situation. The attitude of a child with a false sense of entitlement is, “I am, therefore give to me.”

So how do you challenge that false sense of entitlement in kids, and why is it so important to do so? I believe it’s critical to challenge them because once your child grows up and goes out into the real world, he will have to work for what he wants, just like everyone else. So as a parent, it’s important that you teach your child the value of hard work and earning things. He needs to really see that integral connection between making an effort and achieving success. Conversely, when things are handed to your child, the message he’s getting is, “You don’t need to do anything—everything will be given to you in life just because you’re you.”

If you want to start challenging this pattern in your child, I recommend the following techniques.

Challenging the False Sense of Entitlement in Kids

Ask Yourself, “What Do I Want My Child to Learn?”

Whenever you want to get a message across to your children, I think it’s important to think through what you really want to teach them. Ask yourself, “What do I want my children to learn about money and work to achieve success in life?” And then come up with a procedure that will teach them about finances. Some concepts which I think are important to teach from a young age are:

Money doesn't come easily.

People work hard to earn money; it’s part of life.

If you want something, you need to work to earn it.

You are not entitled to things you haven’t earned.

Break these concepts down for your child. You can say, “You can’t make a video game yourself. But when you’re old enough, you can work at Wendy's for a week and get enough money to buy a video game somebody else made.” You can take it one step further by asking, “And why did they make that video game? So they could earn enough money to eat at Wendy's.” Use the teaching role to help your child start connecting the dots. Think about what you want your child to learn and what you want him to take away from the conversation, because that is going to set the tone for the way he thinks about what he earns—and what you give him—from now on.

Set Some Limits on Giving to Your Kids

I think it’s important to put limits on what you give your children. Don’t feel as if you need to give them every little thing they ask for, even if “all the other kids have one.” I think it’s also a good idea to talk to your kids and let them know that you don’t have an infinite supply of money at your fingertips. Tell them from an early age that you and/or your spouse work to make money to support your family. Try to explain that you trade your time for money in order to take care of your household.

When your child asks for things, I think it’s perfectly fine to say, “You’re welcome to buy that with your birthday money,” or “Why don’t you put that on your Christmas list?” Or, “Why don’t you save up your allowance money and buy it?” Saying “no” to your child does not make you a bad or uncaring parent—it just makes you a practical one who wants to teach your child to understand money in a more realistic way.

Tell Your Child the New Rules

Let’s say that up until now you've been giving your child whatever he wants without expecting him to work for it. If you want to give your kids money or things, I think it’s important to come up with a system where you can deliver the goods to them in such a way that they feel like they’ve earned them. In my opinion, paying for extra work around the house is better than giving an allowance, because it gives you more flexibility as you reward them.

If you want to make some changes, I think you should sit down and have a frank discussion with your child.

Younger Kids: For younger children and pre-teens I think you can say something like, “Listen, I want you to learn how to earn some of the things you want by doing extra work around the house. I don’t mean by doing your regular chores, like setting the table or doing the dishes. So for instance, you could mow the lawn, shovel the walk when it snows, or clean my car when it’s dirty. Instead of giving you an allowance, I’m going to pay you to do these things. We’re going to start this Saturday. If you want to earn money, you’ll have to see me Saturday morning to find out what you can do.” Then, determine how much you want to pay him for these jobs and make sure it’s within your budget.

Adolescents: When you talk with adolescents, you can expect a serious reaction to your words, especially if they’ve come to expect to get things without having to earn them. After all, they’re probably very happy with the way things are right now, and they may balk at the idea of having to work for what you give them. The way you prepare for that is by saying to your child, “I have something that I need to talk to you about that's really affecting our finances. You're going to have to keep an open mind and be mature during this conversation. So why don't we get together at four o'clock. This is actually a great technique for you to use with your child. I used to say to kids in my office, “Listen, do you want me to talk to you like a young adult or a little kid?” Naturally, they'd always pick young adult. And then I’d keep my word and talk to them utilizing facts, not feelings. That means I would speak respectfully, frankly, and persuasively. In my opinion, when we talk to teenagers and young adults, we have to be as persuasive as we can be. So when you speak to your teen, try to put things in his best interests: “I want to help you earn some cash because I know you really want to buy that new video game. Here’s how you can make some extra money around the house.” If your child refuses to do odd jobs around the house, the next time he asks for things, you can simply say, “You know how you can earn that new DS. When you’re ready to clean out the garage, I can pay you and you can start saving up.”

Have Your Child Work to Earn Money

If you have the financial capability and you believe in the concept of paying kids to do work around the house, I personally think it’s better to give your child money for doing odd jobs rather than give him a weekly allowance. This way, your child will learn how to manage his finances, and he will also make the connection between work and payment. So let’s say your child gets $10 a week for mowing the lawn. (By the way, he shouldn’t receive this money until the lawn is done.) Then if he wants a video game that costs $50, he has to save for it—that’s how you develop a sense of earned entitlement. Later, a job at Wendy's making $6 an hour will look really good to your child. He'll take that job for 12 hours a week part-time, because he’ll understand that it will bring him $70 a week. He’ll be able to buy a new video game every week if he wants to, and he'll be entitled to do so because he earned it.

If Your Child Doesn’t Comply, Pay Their Siblings to Do the Work

I think it’s important for your child to understand when you’re giving him a gift. To put it simply, he needs to realize that he’s not simply entitled to whatever you give him. How do you do this? This one is a piece of cake. You just say clearly, “I wanted to give you something extra.” Or “Here's a gift from your mother and me.” Be sure to differentiate this from the money you give him for allowance, or the money he might earn from getting on the Dean’s list at school.

Remember, the danger is not having a sense of entitlement; the danger is having a false sense of entitlement. People who have this mindset often hold a negative view of hard work—they put it down and ridicule it. They think they deserve things they haven't earned, and they can develop contempt for people who work to earn things.

I believe that a false sense of entitlement affects every strata of society today. Kids who grow up this way don't want the jobs that are available because they have the belief that they're entitled to something better without having to make an effort. So that false sense of entitlement prohibits them from getting the work skills and the social skills they need to start at the bottom and work their way up.

One of my first jobs involved carrying bolts of cloth in a dress factory and loading trucks. I was 16 years old and I made $1.25 an hour. I didn’t think working hard to earn things was unusual because I had watched my father work all my life. He grew up during The Great Depression, and he always said, “If you want something, you have to work for it.”

Here’s the bottom line: When kids have a false sense of entitlement, they don’t see the world in real terms. When money and material goods have been handed to them their whole lives, the danger is that they won’t have the idea that they should work hard to achieve their goals. Their view of the world will be, “If I want it, someone will give it to me”—but as we all know, that’s just not the way the world functions. Once you leave your parents’ house, it’s up to you to make an effort to achieve some success in life. Sadly, you will often see older children living with their parents into adulthood, because that’s where things are easiest for them. But make no bones about it, that skewed view of the world is going to affect them in a negative way their whole lives.

The good news is that you can start teaching your child now about what it means to work hard to achieve goals in life—before it’s too late.

“I Want It Now!” How to Challenge a False Sense of Entitlement in Kids reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

You Can Afford To Stay Home With Your Kids - Book Review

2010-02-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

Are you working outside of the home? Have you ever considered leaving work to stay home with your kids, but don't know how you'll ever get by on one income? Then "You Can Afford To Stay Home With Your Kids" is the book for you. It's a Step by Step guide for converting your family from two incomes to one.

For this review I used my own personal copy of the book that I purchased from Amazon.com

"You can afford to stay home with your kids" is also for moms who:
* Are looking for ways to lower their monthly expenses
* Husband is unemployed or facing retrenchment
* Want to quit their jobs and start a home based business
* Are plagued with Mommy guilt.

The book is divided into 3 sections. The authors Malia Wycoff and Mary Snyder take an in-depth look at the toll that working outside the home has on moms as well as the benefits of being a stay at home mom. But they don't paint an unrealistically rosy picture of life as a stay at home mom. They also discuss some of the harsh realities that moving from a dual income family to a single income family will entail for you, your husband and your children.

The first section deals with the financial aspects of making the transition from two incomes to one. You will discover just how much is left of your paycheck once work-related expenses are deducted. In this first section you will find out whether staying at home is a feasible choice for you and your family.

The second part of the book helps you to make the transition from working mom to stay at home mom more easily. It provides lots of tips and advice to help you to deal with the emotional upheaval, loneliness and other challenges of making the transition to stay at home mom. If you've always worked, then this book will give you a realistic picture of what to expect as a stay at home mom.

The third part of the book shows you not only how to survive, but thrive, on one income. There are ideas for:
* Inexpensive activities for kids
* Affordable family vacation ideas
* Cutting the grocery bill in half
* Dressing your family for less
* And more

I think that You Can Afford to Stay Home With Your Kids: A Step-By-Step Guide for Converting Your Family from Two Incomes to One should be on every moms reading list.

How Much Is It Costing You To Work?

2010-02-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

Did you realize that it's actually costing you to work? I'm talking about work related expenses, such as childcare, work clothing etc. If you're a working mom who would like to stay at home with her kids, then you have to figure out just how much money is left over after you deduct all work related expenses. That amount (and not your net salary) is what you are really contributing to the household each month. And if you wish to work at home, then you need to know just how much your home based business must bring in each month in order to break even.

The most obvious work related expense is daycare. It's often the biggest expense to come out of the second income of a dual-income family. After-school care also falls into this category.

Transportation costs probably also take a big chunk of your income. Traveling to and from work and daycare can add up to a pretty penny. What are your work-related transportation costs for the month?

Clothing. Unless you wear some sort of 'uniform' to work, you will probably be spending a fair amount of money on work clothes each month. After all, you can't turn up to a meeting with CEO's in a faded 3 year old suit, now can you?

In addition to these obvious costs, there are also many hidden costs associated with working. Here are some of them.

Office Food.
Eating lunch out, that morning cup of coffee at Starbucks and anything else you buy to eat at work all fall into this category. For one month jot down whatever you spend on food during the course of your workday. You'll be surprised at the amount.

Office Socializing.
Buying gifts for co-workers who are getting married, having babies, leaving, transferring to another department, retiring and so on are all part of being a caring, friendly co-worker. So are chats over coffee and occasional drinks after work. How much are you spending each month on office socializing?

Convenience Items
Frozen, microwaveable meals, prepared foods from the Deli and pre-packaged mixes are all wonderful time savers that many working moms rely heavily on. But that convenience comes at a price. In addition to these convenience meals, you are probably also even cooking take-out meals a few times a week because you're simply too exhausted to cook.

Last minute birthday gifts, expensive cookies from the bakery for the school play and so on all fall into this category.

Shopping.
Shopping during lunch breaks or because you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your kids can also blow your budget.

School Lunches.
Preparing homemade lunches is often just an additional chore that working moms have no time for. How much are you paying each month for the convenience of prepared lunches?

Then there are other minor expenses that you probably never even thought of including, such as fund raisers, mlm products bought from a co-worker, or betting on who will win the latest football game.

For one month, make note of how much you spend in each of these areas. Add up all your work realted expenses and subtract that from your income. That total is how much you are contributing to the family income. Divide that by the amount of hours you worked and you will arrive at your hourly wage.

Armed with these figures you will now be able to decide if you want to continue working or not. If you want to start a home based business you will know exactly how much you need to bring in each month in order to break even. Or if you're a stay at home mom, you'll know by how much you need to reduce your expenses in order to make ends meet.

Parents Aren't The Problem

2010-02-18T09:44:00.000-08:00

"Parents Aren't the Problem—They're the Solution"

by James Lehman, MSW

Do you feel like your family members, your kid’s teachers, and even counselors blame you for your child’s acting out behavior? You’re not alone. As James Lehman says, there are countless parents out there “living in little prisons”—feeling trapped, isolated, and ashamed of their child’s defiant or out of control behavior. If you’re in this situation, James has a message for you: you aren’t your child’s problem—you are the solution.

Q: James, in a recent article in EP, you said “I don’t think parents are the problem—I think they’re the solution.” That really resonated with a lot of our readers. Can you explain what you mean by that a bit more?

J: Parents of acting-out kids are often perceived as being the problem—or that they've created their “problem child”. I think when parents are labeled this way, it becomes extremely discouraging for them. They’re out there trying their best and looking for answers, but they’re being told that their child’s behavior is their entire fault. The attitude of many professionals today is also that parents are the reason children behave inappropriately—and that the parents aren't committed to helping their kids change. In my experience, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

By the way, while it can’t be denied that some parents out there are abusive or neglectful, I'm focusing on the “good enough” parents in this article. “Good enough” parents provide for their children and try their best to keep their kids safe. They are trying to raise their children the best they can, even if their methods aren’t always effective. I personally think parents who are trying their best should not be blamed for their child’s acting-out behavior—they need training, not blame. And it’s not only that they need help, they need the right kind of help. If we put half the resources into training parents that we do into family therapy, I think we’d see some real change.

Parents are out there trying their best and looking for answers, but they’re being told that their child’s behavior is all their fault.

Q: So you don’t think it’s the parents’ fault that their children behave the way they do?

J: Let’s face it, blaming people never gets anybody anywhere. Of course we influence our children, but personally I think there is every reason to believe that our kids also shape our behavior.

Let me break it down for you. If you have an acting-out child, you might react to him in a variety of ways. Let’s say you try to reason with your child, but he throws a tantrum—and doesn’t learn more appropriate ways of behaving as he develops. Or maybe when you go to hug him he pushes you away. Later, when you attempt to set limits on him, he calls you foul names. As he gets older, if a given situation isn’t going the way he likes, he breaks things or hits his siblings—or you. And when he’s asked to account for himself he usually blames you or some other person, place or thing. Remember, blame is infectious.

Make no mistake, a family in that situation is going to treat this child in a certain way. And while to outsiders it may look like the parents are triggering the inappropriate behavior, it's actually the child who has shaped theirs.

By the way, I've talked in other articles in Empowering Parents about how children blackmail their parents into giving in. Often, for example, you'll see families with parents who appear to be too tolerant or passive. But sometimes their child has trained them through years of acting out and aggressive behavior. And what he’s taught them is not to demand or expect a lot from him. The inherent threat is “if you try to set limits on me, I’ll act out—and you’ll be sorry.”

Q: Why do you think other people, and especially professionals, tend to blame the parents?

J: I think it's often easy for them—and other people outside the family—to paint with too broad a brush. People look at the family of an acting-out, defiant child and tend to criticize the parents. And frankly, I think it's easier to blame parents who use ineffective strategies with their children instead of taking the time to educate them about more effective ways to manage their child.

It’s a lot easier to blame parents than it is to change children. In my opinion, it's important to understand that there are ineffective parenting strategies, but there are also effective ones that can be learned. Unfortunately, most parents are referred to family therapy before they're ever referred to parent training. When they show up, they’re often treated as if they are “guilty until proven innocent” instead of the other way around. This is because many therapists are trained to validate that there’s something wrong with the family.

Q: What happens when the parents are blamed for their child’s behavior?

J: When you're a parent in that situation, it's very easy to feel attacked. You feel like there’s a suspicion that you’ve done something wrong, and that your mistakes are causing your child to have problems. Compounding that, many parents feel somewhat guilty about their kid’s behavior because they don’t know what went wrong. It’s easy for them to fall into the trap of blaming themselves.

Parents also tend to get discouraged and distrustful. And in addition to professionals, families are often told by other family members, teachers and people in their community that they're not doing right by their kids.

If you’re a parent stuck in this situation, it’s easy to look out your window and see your neighbors’ kids playing nicely with each other while your child can't play with other kids. It's very easy to get the sense that people think you're the problem. Many parents of acting-out kids carry a lot of guilt around with them—they immediately assume their child’s behavior is their fault. Then when they try to get help for it, what they often get is more blame. Or sometimes, just as bad, parents might assume their child’s behavior is the fault of someone else. I try to tell them that blame does no one any good. Rather, the important questions to ask are, “Who is taking responsibility for this child?” and “What are you willing to change in order to accomplish that?”

The first place they go for help is usually to their own families. Sadly, if they get blamed there, they will often try to keep their problem a secret; they won’t ask for help in other arenas. Many parents experience a certain amount of shame over their acting-out child.

Q: Parents do experience shame over this, but why is that?

J: The ideal in our society is children who behave. The formula is the following: if you're the right kind of parent, your child will be well-behaved. Of course, I think that there's another formula for parenting which I mentioned earlier called the “good enough” parent. They’re not being abusive or neglectful, they provide for their children, but they may not be using effective techniques to solve their kid's problems. They might be doing things they learned from their own parents or that they saw on a talk show.

Sometimes parents might simply be following their own instincts, but that information can be ineffective with certain kids. Why is that? This is because we're talking about a 21st century child with 21st century problems. It's simply a different time, and it's also a much more difficult time to be a parent as well as a child. Let's look at the demands that parents are under. First of all, they’re under a lot more economic stress and anxiety. In most families today, both parents have to work to stay above water, and sometimes each parent has more than one job. And this stress affects a parent’s ability to function and to act. Children and adolescents are also under more stress, and they have more ways of rebelling than ever before. Many parents are simply overwhelmed.

I think helping parents find solutions and teaching them problem-solving skills is the most effective thing we can do. I believe that parents who feel like they are under suspicion of being “bad parents” are often going to be very defensive. They won’t be open to new ideas or to learning new things. They feel like they have something to prove—what they’re trying to prove is that they're not bad parents.

Q: James, how would you help parents in this situation?

J: I try to distinguish the difference between blame and responsibility. Blame is not helpful, ever. And the people who are showing up and trying to find ways to help their child are taking responsibility.

In my own life, I grew up with three brothers. We all had the same parents, but I was out of control. My siblings were pretty well-behaved kids all the way through high school and into adult life. Even though we had the same parents, there were very different outcomes in terms of our behavior. My parents were “good enough” parents, and it showed. Unfortunately I had special needs and there was no one around to show them how to manage me.

I also understand that parents of acting-out kids have a more challenging time of raising their children. Everybody knows how to handle a child who doesn't have behavior problems. So I think if ineffective parenting contributed to the behavior problems that a child has, it just makes sense to me that effective parent training will contribute to positive change: not blaming, pointing the finger, or arm-chair diagnosing.

Q: So why are parents the solution, in your opinion?

J: I think parents are the solution because they spend the most time with their children; they create the environment their children live in. They are the primary role models because their children spend the most time with them. The family is the center of a child's life. I believe that if parents get the proper training on how to be more effective, and they're willing to use those techniques, then they're going to have children who can solve their developmental life problems effectively.

I also think parents are the solution because they love their kids. They have the most invested in their children because they are going to be related to them for the rest of their lives. So they are the most motivated to help their child change his behavior. I used to tell parents, “If we do these things now, maybe your child can avoid getting into further trouble. But if he continues the way he’s going, you're going to be the ones visiting him in prison, lending him money because he won't get a job, or raising his kids because he's either too irresponsible or addicted to raise them himself.”

The good news is that once parents have techniques to use in their home, they can use them all the time. And I absolutely believe if parents work on having a more effective parenting role in their child's life—to not be a Martyr, an Excuse-maker, or an Over-negotiator—it’s more likely that things will change for the better in their family.

If you’re the parent of an acting-out child, ask yourself, “What do I want to see change and how can I make that change occur?” And then be honest with yourself when you look for answers. I believe that’s the first step toward creating positive change in your child’s—and your family’s—life.

"Parents Aren't the Problem—They're the Solution" reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Sudden Behavior Changes In Teens - 7 Things You Can Do Today

2010-02-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

Sudden Behavior Changes in Children
Part II: 7 Things You Can Do Today

by James Lehman, MSW

This week, James tells you how to handle the specific changes you might suddenly see in your child during adolescence, from backtalk to attitude to slipping grades.

I believe parents go through something similar to the stages of grief when their kids go through adolescence. The family that once had a loving and eager son or daughter, someone who would spend as much time with you as you let them, is gone now; it’s as if it has died. In its place is a different family system, and it’s one in which your child may talk back to you and complain about you frequently. Maybe your once-cheerful middle school son stomps off to his room when he comes home. Or the daughter who used to want to spend time with you acts like she doesn’t even like you—let alone want to be in the same room with you. Rebelliousness becomes part of the routine.

Don’t give their bad attitude or backtalk power in the moment, because that only teaches them that they can push your buttons.

Parents often react to these kinds of changes in their children by going through some of the stages of grief. One of the stages is bargaining—and in fact, parents will try to bargain and negotiate with their child in an attempt to pull them back in. Another one of the stages is anger: parents get very angry about what has happened to the relationship they used to have. Often that anger takes the form of fighting and arguing and blaming between the parents and the adolescent. Fortunately, the last stage of grief is acceptance: eventually, we come to accept that our child is going to become his or her own person, with his or her own personal tastes, likes and dislikes. The parent-child relationship becomes much more complex than it was when they were younger. Unfortunately for many families, acceptance of the process usually happens late and last.

When your family is going through this grieving process, it’s really tough to deal with, and I understand that—I’m a parent myself. I’ve seen many, many parents mourning these kinds of changes in their kids. It’s important to realize that when people are grieving, they don't always make the best decisions. Unfortunately, a lot of parents mistakenly fight against the changes they see happening. But make no mistake: the more you fight it, the stronger it gets.

Personally, I believe we need to accept the normal developmental changes we see while holding our kids accountable to the rules.

1. Realize that Your Child is Individuating from You

Realize that your child is individuating from you and try not to take their behavior as a personal attack. Think of the films you see on the Discovery Channel, where the butterfly has to break out of its cocoon, or a bird or reptile hatching from an egg. If you notice, they have to tear and claw their way out of the shell. They don’t get to the next stage of their lives passively. And unfortunately, neither do adolescents. You are the authority in their lives with control over them, so rebellion is often part of the way they separate from you. That’s how they break free of the cocoon. I don’t mean this to say that you have to accept it if they are verbally nasty or start to resist curfew or chores—you need to hold them accountable for that behavior. Just realize that this is not a personal attack upon you. It’s just your child fighting his or her way out of the cocoon.

Adolescents will also start to say things like, “I have a life outside of this family. I have my own friends. They’re the ones who really understand me—not you!” They want their own money and might get a part-time job so they can buy clothes and have some autonomy. I personally believe one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids is that of independence. In fact, being independent is one of the greatest factors for determining success later in life. So as much as is possible and safe, I think you should allow your teen some control over his or her own life if they’ve proven themselves to be responsible. This autonomy may come in the form of a part-time job, or the sports or activities your child chooses to do at school. Whenever possible, allow them to make those kinds of choices themselves. And remember, giving kids choices so they don’t feel trapped will usually decrease the chances that they’ll enter into a power struggle with you.

2. Don’t Give the Behavior Power

If your child has developed a bad attitude and is rude and disrespectful around the house, one of the best things you can do is not give it power. Keep the expectations in your house clear: “In this family, we treat each other with respect.” Don’t stay there with your child and argue the point—remember, you don’t need to attend every fight you’re invited to. After you’ve both calmed down, you can give them consequences for their behavior. But don’t give their bad attitude or backtalk power in the moment, because that only teaches them that they can push your buttons.

3. When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friends

Here's the thing. Even though you might think your kid has the wrong friends, you need to understand that they're the people he’s seeking out. To somebody else's parents, your child is the wrong friend. I used to laugh when parents would say, “Well, it's his friends that have made him change; it's the people he's hanging out with.” Understand that there's a reason why he's hanging out with them; he's choosing them because he's like them. He's attracted to their behavior, he's one of them. So while one parent might be saying, “Sam's a mess because he hangs out with those bad kids.” Another parent down the block is telling her child, “Don't hang out with kids like Sam.” It's all about your perspective.

By the way, if your child is always at a friend’s house, and you don’t like that friend, I have one thing to say: your child has too much free time. Again, I encourage parents to have structure. This includes a flexible but clear time frame. When you have a set schedule in your house, your child then knows that there's a time when he has to be home from school. He knows he shouldn’t go and hang out at his friend's house for an hour and then come home. In fact, it’s been proven that kids who get good grades tend to come home after school and start their homework. And these days, kids have a lot of studying to do at night. Believe me, in high school when the demands for homework become greater, kids shouldn’t be spending less time on their studies. Don’t get me wrong, I think there's a time when kids can go to a friend's house, like on weekends, for example. But I think on school nights, they should be home.

By the way, I know there are many families where both parents work. My wife and I both worked, and I understand the difficulties parents face in this situation. Many parents have no control over their kids until they get home at 5:30, or even later. But I believe you can still structure your child’s schedule after school by giving them choices. You can say, “What you do until 5:30 is up to you. If you’re home by 3:30 and start your homework, you’ll have more free time later to watch TV or play video games. But if you play around, you’ll have to do your homework after dinner and miss that free time later on in the evening.” (When You Dread coming home to your child)

4. Control What Comes Into Your Home

I think it's so important that parents control what comes into their homes. What I mean by that is, control the media that your children are exposed to. After all, your house is the only place where you have any control at all. It’s the place where you can say, “No sexually explicit stuff here. No x-rated movies, no violent music or video games.” Your home is the only area where you can really try to uphold those standards. Think of it as the place where there's some sanity, expectations and rules. Those expectations might be, “We expect you to get good grades, we expect you to do your homework. If you don't do your homework, forget about having your phone or being on the computer.” Realize that you can’t control what your child does outside of the house. You can give consequences when you catch them breaking rules, but ultimately, the control you have extends to the walls of your home.

5. Reward Positive Behavior, Give Consequences for Breaking Rules

If your child is involved with sports outside the house and does well and still maintains good grades, I think you can reward him or her for that. You can buy them a pair of cleats, for example, or take them to a football game or dance performance. On the flip side, if kids get in trouble outside the house, including trouble with the law or getting caught drinking or getting high, then you need to give them consequences at home as well. An effective one is to not allow them to go out until they’ve made amends and can demonstrate they're more trustworthy; they can do this by behaving more responsibly through a Learning Experience that you develop with them.

Consequences are really how we get people to meet their responsibilities. It's very simple: when you're driving, getting a speeding ticket is the consequence for not meeting your responsibilities to drive within the limits of the law. It's all connected, and it’s an effective part of the way we teach our children better behavior.

6. Getting Your Child Back on Track after Grades Have Slipped

I think it’s okay to say to your child, “Your grades have really fallen. I'm taking your cell phone until you show me that you're getting them back up again.” And until the teacher sends home a notice saying that your child’s performance is improving, hang onto their phone or their Nintendo DS—or whatever it takes to motivate them. And then you can say, “If that notice doesn't say you're doing good work, I'm keeping this until the report card comes.” I think you should be very, very firm about that. You don't owe your child a phone, a DS or a car, in the case of teens. Those are the things you give them to use. And so don't hesitate to use them as consequences or rewards, and don't play around. After all, your child’s job is to learn, to go to school and get good grades. If you want them to go to a good school or get scholarships from college, they've got to have the grades to back it up. So if they’re not trying, or if doing sports or a part-time job is interfering with schoolwork, in my mind, you need to be clear with them: school comes first. They might have to give up activities or their job until they can get their grades back up, but that’s okay.

7. Setting Limits on Adolescents

Parents of teens need to understand that adolescents are in a different stage of their lives now—and there are ways to support it and there are ways to set limits on it. You can say, “In this house, I want you here for dinner time so we can all eat together. If you don't like it, just sit there and eat quietly. But we all eat dinner together.” Parents also have to accept that their kids might want to spend more time in their rooms. They're going to think their friends understand them a lot more than their parents do. They're going to push parents away. While it can be very painful, it’s important to realize that this change is not personal or unique to your child—this is really the way your adolescent is learning how to be an adult.

Sudden Behavior Changes in Children
Part II: 7 Things You Can Do Today reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Sudden Behavior Changes In Teens - What Do They Mean?

2010-02-16T10:42:00.000-08:00

Sudden Behavior Changes in Kids,
Part I: What Do They Mean?

by James Lehman, MSW

In part one of this two-part series, James Lehman explains why kids change so much during adolescence, and he warns us about the sudden changes of which every parent needs to be aware.

Whether we like it or not, kids change. Their behavior, their attitudes, their likes and dislikes: these shifts can be seen throughout childhood. But the biggest changes—and the hardest for most families to deal with—are the ones that occur when kids enter pre-adolescence and adolescence. As the old saying goes, “the only thing that is constant in life is change,” and children are no exception from the rule. Sometimes the change from childhood to the pre-teen and teen years can appear to be quite drastic. Kids can quite suddenly lose interest in the things they used to play with, and it can take parents by surprise. It may seem like one day your child is playing with dolls or trucks, and the next, they want to wear nail polish and make-up and to have a cell phone. And we’ve all known kids who aren’t really interested in clothes, but then all of a sudden, they start caring about how they look. Sometimes these shifts in style or attitude happen for social reasons—children reach a certain age where they want to be accepted by the other kids and they don't want to be left out or teased. Or maybe they’ve hit puberty and have started caring about the opposite sex.

“Understand that it's the rapidity of the change that should get our attention and make us curious.”

You'll also see a lot of changes during adolescence because it’s the time when kids begin to strike out on their own. In fact, this developmental stage actually requires that they begin to “individuate” from their parents—your child is forming a separate personality from you, with his or her own thoughts and opinions. This is not an easy task for them and it’s often accompanied by a certain amount of distress for both the adolescent and the rest of the family. Let’s face it, teens are at a stage in their lives where they’re preparing to become functioning adults who make their own decisions. So finding a separate identity from their parents, however painful it can be at times, is very necessary. Some of the more commonplace results of these shifts in your child’s behavior include an increase in backtalk and complaining, increased moodiness, a poor attitude, and varying levels of rebellion. In fact, in some cases, the rebelliousness can be quite severe.

I think it’s important for parents to realize that there are other changes which can occur seemingly overnight. In part two of this series, I’ll discuss effective ways to deal with the common shifts in attitude you might see in your child, such as rebelliousness and backtalk.

Before I do that, I want to take a moment to talk about changes that are not part of normal childhood development. These are the sudden changes that stem from trauma and substance abuse, and I believe every parent needs to know about them.

Bullying: When Your Child is Targeted as a Victim

Ridicule and rejection, especially in adolescence, can be very, very traumatic for kids. If you live in an urban, suburban or even rural area, often there are groups and bullies in school who hold a lot of sway over the other students. I’m not talking about dangerous gangs with guns like you see on TV—I mean groups of kids who hang out together and target other students as their victims, usually via public ridicule or physical intimidation. And once they target your child as a victim, they are probably putting them down every day. That kind of ridicule becomes extremely powerful for many kids, and you may see their personality change because of it.

If you suspect your child is being bullied, you may see a difference in their grades and their attitude, and you also might see them become much more irritable and easily frustrated. Too many kids don't talk with anyone about the fact that they’re being picked on. Instead, they withdraw from the world. Their daily life is very painful for them, and so their coping skills become withdrawal and avoidance. Pre-teens who are bullied often won’t want to get dressed in the morning, and you’ll start hearing them say, “I don’t want to go to school.”

If your child is being bullied, you have to put pressure on his or her school administration and the school board. Go to a school board meeting. It’s very important to advocate for your child. Since children have to get an education, keeping them safe should be the school’s first priority. If they're not doing that job, you need to make a lot of noise. Talk with other parents and get them to put pressure on the school as well. Personally, I think all schools should have a zero tolerance for bullying. From an early age, kids need to be taught what bullying is and how they can deal with it. (For more on bullying, read My Child is Being Bullied—What Should I Do? and The Truth about Bullies)

Substance Abuse: “My Child Just Changed Overnight.”

One of the things parents often described to me in my office was how their child “just changed.” Their kid’s grades went downhill, they became more secretive, they withdrew from family life. Understand that it's the rapidity of that change that should get our attention and make us curious. In other words, your child will undoubtedly undergo some pretty major changes between the ages of 10 to 18, and adolescents might even change fairly dramatically over any given six-month period. But if substance abuse is involved, behavioral changes can occur very quickly—it might even happen within a week or two. If this is the case, you will see your child stop or resist doing homework, for example. A drop in school grades often shows up first because it’s clear and fairly immediate—your child gets graded on his or her performance in school on a daily basis so the change in their performance is measurable. If one month your child gets an A, and the next month he gets a D, that’s a pretty clear sign that something is going on, especially if you notice his grades going down in all subjects. If he loses interest in things like sports or his old friends, it’s another indication that substance use may be involved.

Usually when kids get involved with substances they start by using them intermittently, on the weekends or at a certain friend’s house. Some kids who use substances stop there and walk away, and get on with their lives. But others experience a sense of relief from the pressures of adolescence when using substances, and those kids are at risk for deeper involvement. Drugs and alcohol become an increasingly primary part of their lives. For example, they’ll stop caring about things they used to care about—it may not matter to them if they’re neatly dressed and groomed anymore. They will go from being concerned about school and willing to work to achieve good grades to saying, “Ah, who cares if it's an ‘A’ or a ‘B’? The teacher's an idiot, anyway.” In other words, they start making excuses and justifications for the fact that their grades are falling.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes kids do have a bad experience with a teacher or a hard time with a certain subject. But if that’s the case, you'll see their grades fall in that specific course—it won’t result in a global, or overall, effect.

Realize that if your child is undergoing a personality change due to substance use, it usually happens globally. You’ll see it with their attitude toward their siblings and toward you. Often you'll see changes in their honesty. You might have a child who was generally pretty truthful, but then you start noticing that he’s lying more and keeping secrets. Sometimes things begin to go missing around the house. You'll see your child start to gravitate toward a different type of friend. These kids won’t be achievers. They aren’t the kids who care about their grades or are involved in sports. They aren’t the kids who want to be involved in any sort of family activities. Their primary interest is to party on the weekends and after school.

Sadly, you will see all these changes when substance abuse starts to take over more and more of your child’s life. Eventually, the day comes when if they can’t get high or drink, they don’t feel they have anything worthwhile to do.

If you suspect that your child has a substance abuse problem, I think you need to be very clear in your language to them; let them know that they have to take responsibility for it. If that means going with you to see a professional who can assess them, you have to make your expectation clear. (I recommend that kids in this situation see a qualified substance abuse counselor, preferably one who deals with adolescents.) If your child refuses to go, you can say, “Okay, then kiss your cell phone goodbye. And kiss the computer goodbye too, we're taking it out of your room. Kiss the car goodbye.” I think you need to be very black and white about your expectation that they take responsibility for this problem. Be strong. I don't mean that you should be nasty or hostile, and don’t attend all the fights they’ll try to invite you to during this tense time—and believe me, there will probably be many such fights. Just take a stand, state your expectation and stick with it, no matter how much complaining or blaming or arguing they throw at you. This is a fight worth fighting, after all, so you have to try to stay strong.

Sexual Abuse

You will also see a child’s behavior change when they have been sexually abused by a stranger or someone they know. This personality change is often drastic. A child who has been molested often becomes more isolated and withdrawn. Their grades go down and they become more fearful of people and places.

If you ever suspect that your child has been sexually abused, immediately report whatever you know to the police, and have your child seen by medical and mental health professionals right away.

In fact, any time your child’s behavior or personality changes drastically overnight, it’s important to have them evaluated immediately by a professional to rule out any physical reasons for the change, whether it’s from substance abuse, trauma, or the onset of depression or anxiety.

Whether changes in kids are slow or sudden, parents have a hard time with the fact that they can't protect their children once they leave home in the morning. Once your kids walk out the door, you simply can't insulate them from the kind of culture that is out there: the violence, the sexualization, and the glamorization of criminal behavior that we see all around us in movies, music and video games.

The rub is that if you fight your child’s need to individuate, you're fighting their every instinct—and it's a losing battle. So it’s not whether or not they individuate that you can influence, it’s how they individuate and what the rules of their rebellion are going to be that can make your family life easier. Next week, I’ll tell you about some ways you can use structure, rewards and consequences to ensure that your child stays accountable to the rules in your household. There are no guarantees in life, but as parents, we have to try our best to keep our children on the right path to adulthood.

Next week, James will explain how to work through the changes that you’ll see in your child during the tough teen and pre-teen years.

Sudden Behavior Changes in Kids,
Part I: What Do They Mean? reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Making the transition from working mom to work at home mom

2010-02-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Making the transition from a dual income family to a single income family can be tough. Here are 5 things I wish someone had told me before I quit my job and became a stay at home mom.

1. Without my paycheck, things I considered necessities became occasional luxuries. In order to survive on my husband's paycheck alone I had to eliminate (or dramatically reduce) the following "necessities":
* Professional manicures, pedicures and facials.
* Expensive high maintenance hairdo's
* Eating out 4 or 5 times a week
* Microwaveable meals
* Shopping sprees for designer clothes, shoes and handbags (my weakness)
* A new car every 2-3 years
* Luxury vacations (We took lots of camping trips until I discovered how to go on fabulous vacations on a tight budget)

Shockingly enough, I soon realized that I didn't need any of these things to make me happy!

2. My kids also had to adjust. Whilst my kids loved having me home they didn't take so kindly to having less toys and material possessions. It took them a while to realize that they couldn't always buy a new pair of brand name sneakers, latest electronic gadget or ultra-cool toy just because their friends had them. The benefit to this, though, was that my kids became more responsible about money and my son even took on a part time job and started saving money for the things he wanted. my kids have learned to delay gratification, which is another vitally important life lesson.

3. I loved the unstructured days and no boss looking over my shoulder telling me what to do all the time. The freedom was wonderful, but I soon realized that it could be a double edged sword. There were more days than I care to remember that just drifted purposelessly away, because they didn't have any sort of structure to them.

4. I had more housework to do than ever. Who would have thought? Because the kids and I were home all day the house became messier and needed more cleaning. I didn't like housework when I was working and I certainly didn't like it any better after I started staying home. My solution was to get my kids involved. After all, they were responsible for most of the mess. And they learned valuable life skills and a sense of responsibility into the bargain.

5. My husband began to feel more pressure because he was now the sole breadwinner. Watching our spending habits and cutting expenses whenever I could helped to ease the pressure on him somewhat.

If you plan on returning to work again when the kids are older you may be limiting your prospects to some degree. To make this re-entry into the job market a bit easier, you may have to retain your membership in professional societies, continue networking and perhaps even continue to study at your own expense. But it's quite possible that you may never want to go back. Many moms have used the skills they gained through their training and jobs to open up successful home based businesses. This certainly proved to be the case with me. I started my own Internet based business and I haven't looked back!

The routine day to day life of a stay at home mom can be a lonely and thankless job. I found that I didn't have much in common with my working friends anymore and that I needed to cultivate friendships with other stay at home moms. But to my dismay I found that I didn't have too much in common with these ladies either! Most of them barely know how to turn on a computer, hadn't heard of Twitter and certainly didn't share my passion for online marketing. But thanks to the Internet, I've found many wonderful women from all over the world that I can connect and cultivate wonderful friendships with.

Knowing these things in advance would have made the transition from working mom to stay at home mom so much easier. But even with all it's challenges I wouldn't give up being a stay at home mom for the world.

Why Is Everyone Always Mad At Me?

2010-02-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"
Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

by James Lehman, MSW

Does your child often perceive himself as being right when he’s wrong and wrong when he’s right? Some children have a hard time picking up on other people’s expressions, body language or social cues. These kids are often prone to thinking they’re being disapproved of or disliked when they’re not.

Understand that reading social situations is a skill many kids with behavioral problems lack. Most kids acquire this skill as they grow: they learn to be more careful in situations where they might get in trouble or be hurt. Here’s an example of a child who is having problems learning this skill: let's say that your child is in school and he gets out of his seat, even though it's time for everybody to sit down. The teacher corrects him and tells him to sit down. Most kids have already taken their seats—they’ve learned to read that situation successfully. But when the teacher tells your child to sit down a second time, it triggers anxiety or frustration, which leads to increased behavioral control problems—and a diminished ability to see what’s actually going on. This cycle keeps repeating itself until your child develops a pattern of acting out around his inability to read certain social situations.

The Importance of Knowing How to Read Faces, Voices and Your Environment

Kids learn to get a majority of the information about their current social situation by reading people's facial expressions and body language. This starts when they are infants and continues well on into adulthood. In one study, it was determined that more than 70 percent of a child’s perceptions comes from the looks they see on other people’s faces. Problems emerge for kids who have diagnosed or undiagnosed learning disabilities or behavioral problems that interfere with their developing the ability to accurately read social situations. What that means is that they simply don't develop the skills to read social situations the same way that other kids do. And the misreading of these cues becomes one of the triggers for a lot of the behavioral problems that you see later on. That’s because they're not getting the same information that the other kids are receiving. Don't forget, a learning disability is an immature or malfunctioning part of a child’s neurological system. So the same data goes in, but the same solution—or behavior—does not come out.

For kids who have a hard time reading social situations and who tend to act or behave inappropriately, it’s vital that you work on it with them as a parent. If your child lacks these social skills, the good news is that this problem can be fixed.

7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn How to Read Social Cues

1. Use Photos to Help Kids Learn Emotions:

For Younger Kids and Pre-teens: I recommend that you buy magazines and go through them with your child. As they look at pictures, ask them to tell you what each person is feeling or thinking by the look on their face. You can start to train your child that certain looks are connected to certain emotions. You can start to say things like, “How do you think that person is feeling?” They might say “Happy.” And you can say, “Well, I think they're kind of confused. You see those little lines above their eyes, the way they're squinting like that. People do that when they're trying to understand something.” Teach your child what different looks mean: happy, confused, angry. Practice with them—and when I say practice, I mean repetition and rehearsal. These things have to be ingrained in kids by practicing it as much as possible, because that is the most effective way for them to learn.

For Older Kids: Remember that your child’s willingness to do this exercise is key. If they're not willing to do this with you, then forget about it. If they are, sit down with some teen magazines and talk with them. Have them make up stories about certain faces: show them a picture and ask them to tell you a one-paragraph story about the person. You can also watch a movie together and talk about the characters’ emotions. You can try using a reward in order to get them to work with you on this.

By the way, I'm pretty frank with adolescents when it comes to their inability to read social situations. They don't like that because they don't want you to notice any deficit in their personality at all. The key is to associate your comments with something observable and realistic. I usually say something like this: “Look Tommy, part of your problem is that when you look at a situation, you don't see it the same way that most other kids and adults do. When the other kids look at the teacher and the teacher says ‘sit down,’ they all sit down. What they see is a situation where they have to comply. What you see is a situation where you don't necessarily have to do anything—that it's up to you. But that's not accurate, and that’s why you keep getting into trouble at school.” I follow that up by saying, “Tommy, if you can work on this with me, the misunderstanding like the one you had with your teacher today never needs to happen again.” I make it “right size” for the child, not something so huge he can't tackle, and I put it in terms of his best interests. “You’ll never have to go through this again after you learn how to do it the right way.” To many kids, I think that’s a relief.

2. Use Narratives and Roleplays

For Younger Kids: A good technique for younger kids is to do a narrative with them. You can say, “I'm going to walk into the store and I'm going to talk nicely to the sales lady, because I want her to be helpful. And even though I might get frustrated if I don't get the right size, I'm not going to talk to her like I'm angry; I'm going to talk to her respectfully. In the situations where I want somebody to do something for me, the best thing I can do is be polite and respectful.” And then you role play it with them. You definitely, definitely have to role play—and role model—appropriately with these kids.

For Older Kids and Teens: You can do role plays with teenagers, too. As a therapist, I would have them walk into my office four or five times in a row—just go back out and walk in—to practice how to enter a classroom and sit down. They'd walk in and I'd say, “Hey, Charlie, how's it going?” And if they responded inappropriately to me, I'd say, “Wrong. Go back out.” They’d try again and I'd say, “Hey Charlie, how's it going?” All they needed to do was wave and sit down. If they said anything rude, it was over. They thought this exercise was silly, but they did it. When they got it right, I'd say "Good, that's the way you do it. Why don't you try that in class?"

3. Break It Down into Bite-sized Pieces

Trying to change everything at once is overwhelming for all kids. That’s why I recommend that parents use “discrete learning.” That means you break down whatever you’re working on into individual little pieces. So you can say “Today, when we go into the store I want you to try this skill: smile a lot and say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’” Limit it to one skill or one situation at a time. Be sure to point out the results later. “Did you see how the waitress smiled back at you and brought you extra fries because you were so polite to her?” Always tell kids when what they are doing is working—it gives them an incentive to keep trying, just like it does with adults.

4. “Let’s Try an Experiment…”

Another thing you can say to your child is, “Let's try an experiment. Why don't you try this today and see what happens.” It could be raising their hand before they talk in school or saying “hello” to the teacher when they walk in to class. You could also say, “What would you like to happen today with this person?” And then role play how they can make that happen. So connect the new behavior to real things in your child’s life, but again, do it discretely, one thing at a time: one person at a time, one situation at a time, one class at a time.

5. Work with Your Kids: Teach and Coach Them Forward

Social skills are one of the areas where the teaching and coaching roles become very important for parents. Remember, when you take on the teaching role, what you’re really doing is helping your child to learn new skills. I think it’s okay to say, “People don't respond well to you when you ______, “—and then fill in the blank. But that has to be coupled with, “Why don't you try _______, instead. Here, let me show you.” Do a little interview with a short discussion. “Well, you know, teachers don't like it when you talk out of turn in class, Maddy. That's why you got detention. What do you think you can do differently the next time you want to talk out of turn? What can you do to remind yourself that you can't do that?” And see what she says. Here’s the key: the next day before school, take your child aside and say, “Remember what you said you were going to do differently today,” and remind her about her plan: “When the teacher says, ‘Time to take out your books,’ you are going to stop talking to Riley and Jenna and you’re going to listen so you don’t get detention again.”

6. Teach Your Child to “Check Out Perceptions”

It’s important for kids to be able to approach adults when they think they’re in trouble. They should be able to say, “Is something wrong” or “Did I do something wrong?” When they think their teacher is frowning at them in class, it’s helpful for them to ask that teacher later, “Did I do something wrong today?” It's hard to do, but it’s a technique that will help them eliminate a lot of misunderstanding. One of the things that my son learned to say in our house was, “Are we okay?” or “Are you okay?” After work I'd be tired most days, and even though I was feeling pretty good, to my son, I looked grumpy and out of sorts. And I taught him to ask me, “Are we okay, or did I do something wrong?” And I'd usually say, “Yeah, I'm doing fine, I'm just a little tired.”

us—and

“

7. For Kids Who Are Bullied

Although I think kids should learn how to deal with bullies and kids who pick on them, I think it’s the school’s responsibility to protect kids while they’re in school. As a parent, if your child is being bullied, do not hesitate to call the school. And if your child has been physically harmed, do not hesitate to call the police. The techniques I’m sharing with you in this article are ways to help your child cope, but that does not relieve the school of the responsibility to make sure everybody is safe.

Learning social skills and social cues is vital for all kids, but it’s especially critical for children who tend to be bullied. The first thing I say to kids who are bullied is “You're not responsible. It's not your fault. If somebody's bullying you, they're the problem.” The best strategy they can use is called “avoid and escape.” You can break it down for them like this: “Avoid the people who bully you and situations where you get bullied. If you find yourself in one, escape as soon as you can. Get out of there. In fact, the best way to deal with any threatening situation is avoid and escape. You avoid the situation: don't sit at that lunch table. Or you escape: Don’t be the victim. Get up and go to another table.”

If there are unavoidable places your child has to go during the day, like the bathroom or locker room, tell them to get in and out as quickly as they can. “You ignore the bullies or you try to avoid them. Get a pass from the teacher and go to the bathroom from class.”

They also need to learn positive self talk. They need to be able to say, “This is not my problem. This is the bully’s problem.” And they need to be able to ask for help. Many, many schools today talk to kids about being bullied. As a parent, you can ask the school if they have a curriculum that teaches kids how to deal with bullies. And if they don't, ask them why. Schools use curriculums schools that take only one day. They teach the kids about bullying: how not to bully, what to do if you're bullied, and how to talk openly about it. As a parent, you should be looking into that kind of curriculum at your child’s school.

I firmly believe that if your child has a problem with reading social situations and social cues, it’s a very solvable problem. In my mind, repetition and rehearsal are the key. How do you deal with the problem of not writing well? You practice writing. Teaching kids social skills is really the same thing: it takes practice, it takes rehearsal, and it takes somebody demonstrating and showing them how to do it.

Don't spend a lot of time on why they can't read social situations well. I would tell kids, “Not being able to read social situations happens to a lot of kids. That's why they're always in trouble. As you become an adult you learn to read this kind of thing better. And some people lag behind. It just doesn't happen to them as quickly as other people, and that’s OK.”

Remember, if your child is behaving inappropriately, whether it’s a result of a missed social cue or not, you still have to hold him accountable, as well as teach the new skill. Once your child knows how they’re expected to behave, you have to make him responsible for operationalizing and implementing it. And if you can't hold him responsible for using it, his chances of learning the new skill go way down. If you don’t enforce it, he won’t have any reason to change. After all, you're asking him to do something different, and “different” is usually perceived as “difficult.” People don't like to change, so you have to stay on top of it and make sure your child is putting his learning into practice. The best reward for your child is that he will start to have more success with people in his life immediately—and that will translate into better behavior all the way around.

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?" Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

Does Your Child Have Toxic Friends? - 6 Ways To Deal With The Wrong Crowd

2010-02-12T20:54:00.000-08:00

Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends?
6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd

by James Lehman, MSW

I've worked with a lot of children and teens with behavior problems over the years—and believe me, very few of their parents liked their friends. It's like the national anthem of parents: “It's not my child; it’s those kids he hangs out with!” When I hear that, I always say, “Maybe that's so, but the reason he hangs out with that group is because he's similar to them. And just like you're saying, ‘It's those other kids he hangs out with,’ those other kids’ parents are saying it's your kid who’s the problem.”

While your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him

The old axiom is true, birds of a feather do flock together—and that’s especially accurate in adolescence. In fact, one of the main needs of their particular developmental level is to belong to a group and be accepted. That's why teenagers are always so worried about how they look and act. And once they find a mode of dress, a type of music and a group of kids who accept them, it’s very hard for parents to break through.

The first thing you have to realize is that you can't pick your child’s friends. In fact, if you criticize their friends, you will see them react very strongly. That’s because they're developmentally bound to defend their chosen peer group. When kids enter adolescence, they employ a way of looking at the world in which their friends are more important than anybody else. You'll often hear them say, “You just don't understand.” And another part of that mindset is, “Nobody understands me but my friends.” So if you criticize or attack their friends, you're really just making the relationship stronger. And no matter how you feel about your child’s friends, I don’t believe this direct kind of attack is effective. In fact, there are kids who like the fact that their parents don't approve of their friends; it adds to the flavor of the relationship. Understand that while your goal as a parent is to keep your child protected and safe, your child’s goal is to be with people who like him.

When You Don’t Like Your Child’s Friends:

6 Ways to Deal with the “Wrong Crowd”

Try to Avoid Repeated Criticisms of Their Friends

I personally don't think repeatedly criticizing your child’s friends or pointing out that they're bad is going to be a successful strategy. Again, adolescents are developmentally at a place in their life where they're defending their friends. And so it's very difficult for a parent to turn around and say, “Your friends are no good,” and expect to have a conversation. Your child’s natural urge is going to be to protect his or her friends, whether or not they know you're right. Realize that criticizing your child‘s friends is like criticizing an aspect of your child. It's going to meet with the same resistance and hostility—even if what you're saying is true. And all it will do is further alienate your child from you.

Make Clear Statements about Behavior

I think if you don't like your kid's friends, the most effective thing to do is state: “I don't like the way they behave.” That's the first thing you can say. “I don't like you hanging out with kids who get in trouble, because you get in trouble with them.” Can you say this every day? No. But you can say it once in awhile. Be sure to simply state the facts. State what you don't like about their friends’ behavior. You're not judging them. As a parent, I think you want to be a little smooth about that. You could say, “Look, I'm sure your friends are great to you. But they all smoke pot and they all get into trouble. If you hang out with them, you're going to get into the same trouble.”

Remember, when we’re having conversations like this with our kids we want to keep our observations on a level we can see. By that I mean talk about things that are recognizable: “I don't like that Jackie got arrested for shoplifting. I don't want you to get arrested for it, too. I don't like that your buddies all use drugs because I don't want you using drugs. I don't think it's good for you.” Make those observations and keep it simple and direct.

Use Structure

I think that structure can be very helpful when dealing with your child's friends. In other words, if you don't like the kids he's hanging out with, then don't let him go out on school nights. Try to have more control over where he goes and what he does. If he says he's going to the football game and then you catch him down at the mall with those friends, that's his choice. He chose to go some place which you didn’t know about and there should be consequences.

Set Limits
If you know your child’s friends are engaging in behavior that isn’t in line with your values, then I think you should set limits on how much time they spend with those kids—or whether or not your child can see them at all. If his friends are breaking the law or doing things that are unhealthy, you can say, “Maybe they're your friends, but I'm not going to let you hang out with them.” With a lot of adolescents, defiance becomes a big problem. Many of the kids I dealt with would climb out their windows when told they couldn’t go out. But again, you set the standard as the parent; you set the expectation. If your child doesn't meet it, at least he knew there were standards and expectations to begin with, and now he will have to face the consequences and be held accountable for his actions.

Going Out on Friday Night is Not a “Right”

All of a sudden, kids hit a certain age when they think they have the right to go out. Well, I don't think so. I think kids have to behave responsibly in order to earn the right to go out. And you can say, “I'll let you go out if you show me that you're trustworthy.” Behaving responsibly does not include hanging out with kids who use drugs and drink—that’s all there is to it. I also think going out on Friday or Saturday night is not a right; it has to be something that is discussed every week. My son used to come to me and say, “Listen, Saturday night we're all going up to the lake. Is it okay if I go?” Saturday night was not his automatic night out. Instead, that was negotiated each week, and the answer wasn’t always “Sure.” As a parent, I think you should be saying, “What are your plans this weekend?” Your child should know that they have to have their plans Okayed by you first, and that they have to behave responsibly in order to earn the privilege of going out.

Talk to Them about Mean Friends

What if your child is hanging out with kids who treat him badly? Know that he's hanging out with them for a reason. He's probably afraid of them so he’s trying to become one of them. When kids are afraid of bullies and other kids, one of the options they have is to join the group and become a bully. Because even though these kids are mean to him, there is a sense of safety there. The deal they make is, “I'll let you be mean to me and tease me, but you won't abuse me or beat me up or take my lunch money any more.”

But I think if your kid's friends are mean to him, the kind of questions you want to ask are, “What are you trying to accomplish by letting people treat you this way? What are you getting out of that?”

Try to have an adult conversation with your child. You can say, “Listen, you have choices; you don't have to hang out with these kids. You don't have to be a victim. I can get you help with this.”

When Your Child Hangs Out with Kids Who Use Drugs

As we’ve said, there are several reasons why people gravitate toward different groups. If you have a kid with behavior problems, you will often find that they are attracted to friends who also have behavior problems. If you have a child who doesn't do his homework and fails in school and is resistant and mouthy, he's going to gravitate toward friends who won't hold him accountable for that kind of behavior. Instead, his chosen peer group will reward and reinforce what he’s doing. In order to belong, he just has to do what the other kids are doing. That might be any number of things, including shoplifting, defacing property, using drugs or drinking.

It’s a simple fact that kids who use drugs hang out with other kids who use drugs. These kids are not likely to ask, “Did you get an A in science?” If these are your child’s friends, realize that he is almost certainly engaging in the same type of risky behavior—even if he says he’s not. Let me be clear: there is no other reason for your child to pal around with kids who do drugs. If he says, “Well, they do it, but they don't do it around me,” that's a lot of nonsense. It’s just something kids tell you to throw you off track; and sadly, it’s often a far cry from the truth.

Some parents say things to their kids like, “Well, you shouldn't smoke pot, but everybody experiments with it.” Don’t give your child that cop-out line.

Make it very clear: “No matter what you see your friends or other kids doing, there is no using drugs. That's our expectation of you.”

We were really clear on that with our son. I personally feel parents cop out when they say, “You shouldn’t do it, but everybody else does it.” Your kid is not equipped to make decisions about drugs. Drugs get you high, drugs take away stress, drugs take away feelings of panic or crisis, and that means something. Once kids start using drugs, it's easy for teens to become dependent on them because adolescents always feel stress. Drugs can become a dangerous way for them to get relief from all their fears and anxieties. Make no bones about it, drug rehabs today are filled with teenagers whose parents said, “They’re only experimenting” when their kids first started using.

There are important problem-solving tasks adolescents have to work through in order to prepare for adult living. Also, there is knowledge about the world that teenagers have to learn in order to make healthy choices and keep themselves safe. The use of drugs and alcohol in adolescence inhibits the possibility of these milestones being reached. So I don’t think parents should turn a blind eye or make excuses. Many times, parents are afraid to feel powerless, so they'll make those kinds of statements instead of just telling their child “no.” But you need to hold your child accountable and tell them right from wrong; that's simply the way it has to be. You have to be very clear and take a stand: “No drinking. No drugs.”

When Your Child’s Behavior Changes

If your child starts changing as a result of the kids he hangs out with, use a structured parenting routine: set limits and manage their time. I also think you should expect that they're going to change during adolescence. They're going to find a group with whom they're going to identify. When you see an adolescent, believe me, he's probably rebelling against adult authority in a lot of little ways. And while your child may go to school and be fairly responsible, you’ll find that through music, through clothes, through a myriad of different things, it's a rebellious time in his life.

I think it’s important for parents to understand that rebelliousness has a developmental function. Teenagers are individuating from their parents; what I mean by that is they're becoming individuals and separating from their parents. This feels as natural to adolescents as water feels to a duck. Saying that, it's often a very hard thing for parents to accept and manage.

Here’s the bottom line: kids are going to make mistakes and they're going to make bad choices. The best we can do is guide them, set limits, project our view of what's right and wrong in the world and hold them accountable

Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

The Importance Of Playing With Your Child

2010-02-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

Childhood is fleeting and goes by so fast. It's easy to make the mistake of thinking that you'll always be dealing with dirty diapers, homework, driving the kids to and from school and after-school activities, tantrums, teenage mood swings and visits to the pediatrician. And in making this mistake, you may make an even bigger one.

You may neglect to play with your children and spend quality time with them TODAY! It's so easy to brush off your children's requests for time, attention and play with "Tomorrow. We'll play tomorrow, I promise." And of course, tomorrow has new chores, and things that must be done. So play time gets put off indefinitely.

But take a moment to consider this. From birth up until the age of 18 you only have 6574 precious days. That may seem like a lot at first glance. But if your child is already 10 years old, then you have only 3652 days left. Subtract the days spent at school, summer camp and other activities that take your child away from you, and you'll be shocked at just how little time you have for one to one interaction with your child.

Working mothers: Creating quality time with your children during the busiest years of your life
A finite amount of days in which to mold your child's character and and make the indelible mark of unconditional love on your child's soul. A finite amount of days in which to instill the values that you hold dear and to create memories that will last a lifetime.

Of course, the activities you do with your child at age 15 will be very different from those you do when your child is 15 months old. Your teenager will not be interested in visiting the petting zoo anymore than your 1 year old will enjoy a trip ice-skating!

I'm so happy that I learned to play with my children. Playing with them has created many wonderful memories that I will carry with me throughout my life. And I'm sure it's done the same for them.

Time for you, time for your child: The book that allows you to spend quality time with your child even if you do not have the time

There are so many things to do and wonderful family friendly places to visit that you need never run out of ideas.

And you don't need any special skills to play with your children either. If you've forgotten how to play, let your child guide you. Playing with your child doesn't have to be elaborate, complicated or expensive.

Smart Times: A Parent's Guide to Quality Time With Preschoolers The Missing Link: Building Quality Time With Teens

What your child needs from you is your undivided attention and love. An added benefit is that as you spend time playing with your child, you'll learn more about the values she's picking up from her peers or what problems or challenges she is facing. And most importantly, you'll find out what your child is thinking.

Playtime is also time for character building and time to impart the values that you hold dear. The best way to teach your child these valuable life lessons is during the course of everyday living. And what better time than when you are spending quality time together doing something you both love. I'm not suggesting that you preach to your child and turn every activity into a thinly disguised sermon, but that you keep an eye out for 'teachable moments' where you can share your values in the context of real life.

I hope that by now I've convinced you of the importance of spending time playing and having fun with your children. But family fun doesn't just happen. You have to go out and create it. And of course, you have to make time for it. My challenge to you this week is to go out and have fun with your family. It will be the best thing you've done both for yourself and your loved ones.

For Moms Only

Closing the Gap Book Review

Born To Fly Book Review

Writer Mama Book Review

The Happy Family Book Review

Moms Town Book Review

Your 6 Main Responsibilities As A Mom

Home By Choice Book Review

A Day In The Mind Of Your Defiant Child

A Day in the Mind of Your Defiant Child

Creating Time For Your Family In A Hectic World

How To Keep Your Young Child Safe In An Increasingly Dangerous World

Run Away Kids - When Your Child Is On The Streets & Wants To Come Home

Running Away Part II: "Mom, I Want to Come Home." When Your Child is on the Streets

Why Kids Run Away and How To Stop Them

Running Away Part I: Why Kids Do It and How to Stop Them

You Don't Have To Be Perfect In Order To Be A Good Mom

What To Do When Your Child Is The Class Trouble-maker

Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker

4 Tips For A Happy Family

Save Big Money On Your Grocery Bill

7 Ways To Regain Your Parental Authority

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child? Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority

Why Giving In To Your Demanding Child Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End

Finding Time For Personal Growth

Pregnant at 40! Oh God, This Wasn't Supposed To Happen!

Do You Know What Goes On In The Mind Of A Bully?

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them

Giveaway of Bath & Body Giftset

Home By Choice Book Review

Thrill Your Child This Easter With A Personalized Letter From The Easter Bunny

"5 Simple Ways To Make The Easter Holiday More Delightful For Children And Adults”

Does Your Child Think He's The Boss?

"My Child Thinks He's the Boss!"How to Get Back Control of Your Home

Easter Gift Ideas For Under $30

The Value of 15 Minutes

How To Deal With A Screaming Child While Shopping

Are You A Compulsive Shopper?

Creating A Culture of Accountability In Your Home

How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

More Ideas For Family Fun

"I want it now!"

“I Want It Now!” How to Challenge a False Sense of Entitlement in Kids

You Can Afford To Stay Home With Your Kids - Book Review

How Much Is It Costing You To Work?

Parents Aren't The Problem

"Parents Aren't the Problem—They're the Solution"

Sudden Behavior Changes In Teens - 7 Things You Can Do Today

Sudden Behavior Changes in Children Part II: 7 Things You Can Do Today

Sudden Behavior Changes In Teens - What Do They Mean?

Sudden Behavior Changes in Kids, Part I: What Do They Mean?

Making the transition from working mom to work at home mom

Why Is Everyone Always Mad At Me?

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

Does Your Child Have Toxic Friends? - 6 Ways To Deal With The Wrong Crowd

Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends? 6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd

The Importance Of Playing With Your Child

Running Away Part II: "Mom, I Want to Come Home."
When Your Child is on the Streets

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority

"My Child Thinks He's the Boss!"
How to Get Back Control of Your Home

Sudden Behavior Changes in Children
Part II: 7 Things You Can Do Today

Sudden Behavior Changes in Kids,
Part I: What Do They Mean?

"Why Is Everyone Always Mad at Me?"
Why Misreading Social Cues Leads to Acting Out Behavior

Does Your Child Have "Toxic" Friends?
6 Ways to Deal with the Wrong Crowd