4 Tips For A Happy Family

1. EAT AT LEAST ONE MEAL A DAY TOGETHER.
Eating together bonds a family together like nothing else. Strive to make mealtimes a positive experience, where family members can laugh, talk, and share what's important to them. The family meal is the perfect time to reconnect with one another. for teaching kids good table manners and the basics of good, nutritious eating habits.




2. BECOME A BOREDOM BUSTING MOM.
Are you tired of constantly hearing your kids whine and complain " I'm bored." As the old saying goes "An idle mind is the devils workshop." Fill your children's time with fun activities so that they don't get a chance to be bored.




3. HAVE A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN IT'S PLACE.
An organized, smoothly run home is a happy home. Eliminate arguments and tension by having a place for everything and everything in it's place. It's especially important to get the day off to a good start because the first few minutes of the day sets the tone for the rest of the day. The key to getting each day off to a good start is to prepare as much as possible the night before. Prepare a basket for each child and then either you or your child can place in it everything that is needed for school the next day - signed permission slips, completed homework and so on. This simple step eliminates lost items and makes getting ready in the morning a breeze.
















4. SHOW YOUR KIDS YOU LOVE THEM.
Don't just assume that your kids know that you love them. Show them and tell them just how much they mean to you and how special they are.

Save Big Money On Your Grocery Bill

Saving Money On Groceries and Food
This article is an excerpt from Cash Stretching 101

Here are some ways to save money on food without having to sacrifice quality, nutrition or taste.

"1.Grow your own. Most people can set up at least a couple of tubs for some herbs and vegetables that will help to enhance and stretch the vegetables that you buy at stores and markets.

2. If there are just a couple of you, try to cook larger quantities of food that you both like and freeze the left-overs. That's much better value and probably more nutritious than packaged frozen meals.

3. Make your own soup, using fresh ingredients as much as possible.

4. Make reasonable quantities and freeze them. It’s much nicer than canned soup, so very few people leave home-made soup in the freezer very long.

5. Prepare your Food Yourself.
I'm not good at cutting up, say, a quarter of lamb. So, I'll get the meat pre-cut. But, I can carve a cauliflower, carrot or even a potato.
Buying salads and other vegetables that have been cut up and mixed will cost you extra money and really save very little time. Some people feel the convenience of frozen vegetables is worth the extra cost.
That's for you to decide.

If you like a tasty cheddar but have a cheese slice budget, buy some cheap block cheese and refrigerate it for a few weeks. Okay, it probably won't be as tasty as the best, hand-crafted cheddar but it will improve with just that little bit of time to mature.

6.Get a small vegetable steamer. Steamed vegetables and fish taste great and get high marks for nutritional value. Vegetables that are steamed in an electric steamer are claimed to retain more food value than vegetables that are steamed in a microwave oven."


This article is an excerpt from Cash Stretching 101 by Jerry McColl
Cash Stretching 101 is filled with dozens of practical, painless, and quick tactics to get you better value when you have to spend money, and to help you save more money without affecting your lifestyle.

If you’d like to find out how to live a rich, comfortable and happy life regardless of the size of your paycheck please visit http://www.moneystretchingtips.com
Free money stretching tips delivered straight to your inbox. Find out how to get the most out of every dollar you spend on everything from food to insurance, education, travel and more.

7 Ways To Regain Your Parental Authority

Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority

by James Lehman, MSW

In part two of this series, James gives you 7 ways to get back parental control and stop living in fear of your child’s acting-out behavior.

Most people aren’t afraid of their children; rather, they’re afraid of their child’s behavior. It’s important to understand that this fear undermines your authority as a parent because it’s hard to set limits successfully when you’re afraid. You lose more of your authority each time you give in after your child has acted out. And as soon as he realizes that, you’ll only have the authority he gives you. You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

These kids tend to gravitate toward a “no accountability” way of life, where “no accountability” equals “no authority.” And in order for your child’s system to work for him, he has to keep all the authorities around him in check. Soon this becomes one of his primary goals in life.

You may get him to bed on time, he may eat his dinner and get ready for school, but those will be the things he’s allowed you to have authority over.

In my opinion, even though you might have fears about your child’s acting-out behavior, you need to learn how to deal with those thoughts and feelings so they don't have power over you—that they don't dictate your behavior. So while you may be afraid your child is going to throw a tantrum, don't let that fear derail your decision to be firm. Remember, it's not what you're afraid of, it's how much power you give that fear. I don’t know if people truly ever “master their fears,” but I think that over time, the fear of your child acting out will have less power over you if you stick to a game plan of setting limits and holding your child accountable.

By the way, when you decide that you're going to start dealing with your child’s pattern of acting out behavior differently, first of all, get ready for a struggle. Your child is not going to believe it; in fact, he's going to think that if he just tantrums a little harder or a little more, you'll give in. That’s because you've given in for so long; you've trained him how to treat you. Some of us train our kids to treat us respectfully. Others of us, through no fault of our own, train our kids to act out more in order to get their way.

Here are some of the important rules I taught parents who were afraid of setting off their child:

1. Come up with a Game Plan
   
   The first thing I recommend is to come up with a game plan of what you're going to do when your child starts to escalate. This will give you something concrete to guide you. Decide how you're going to handle tantrums and acting out in the future. Ask yourself, “What am I going to do about this now? What's going to be different in my behavior, my response?” Write an "Instead" list for yourself. It might include things like, “I won’t back down when my child starts screaming, instead I’ll leave the store. I will give my child consequences and set limits.”
   
   
   
   And then get ready for some long tantrums, especially at home. Make no mistake, there will be a fierce battle for a while. Things will get better, but be prepared for your child to test you and test you and test you. Sometimes the tantrums and acting out will increase in intensity and frequency. That’s because your child is thinking, “If I just do this a little more, maybe she'll give in.” You've inadvertently trained him to do that and now you're going to have to do some work to undo it. In the end, the behavior often changes—it may re-emerge at different times, but you just need to handle it the same way.


2. Explain How Things Are Going to Change
   
   When things are going well, tell your child what you’re going to do when he acts out or throws a tantrum. Say “Hey, I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I've been thinking that you’re really too old to throw tantrums now. So from now on, when you do that, this is what I'm going to do.” And you tell them what consequences they will get. You can also say, “When you're in a tantrum or acting out, I'm not going to give in, I'm going to let you go through your tantrum. When you're done, then we can resume what we were doing. That means you're not going to get that toy or that candy bar just because you yell and scream and kick your feet.” Or for older kids, “I’m not going to give in to you just because you punch a hole in the wall or scream at me.” And I think that parents should articulate that information to their kids no matter how old they are. If your child is very young, he might not understand at first, but it will help you as a parent to focus. If your child does understand it, then he knows what to expect. When parents consistently tell their young kids what will happen, the tantrums often diminish in frequency and intensity as the child grows older. With older kids, talking to them in this way lets them know that you’re the boss now—and that you’re not going to give in to their acting out anymore.


3. Let Them Know the Process
   
   Let your child know the process ahead of time. You can say, “Hey, when you tantrum in the store, I'm just going to move about five feet away and I'm just going to watch you tantrum until you're done. I’m going to bring a book with me and if you throw a tantrum I'm going to read it. I'm not going to talk to you or argue with you.” And by the way, bringing a book is really a good thing to do because it shows your child that you won’t be moved by their behavior. It’s like you’re saying, “Hey, have a ball, pal. Dance around on the floor all you want, I'm just going to read my magazine.” It takes the power away from your child’s inappropriate behavior, and that’s exactly what you want to do.


4. After Your Child Has Acted Out
   
   After your child has had a tantrum or behavioral episode, it’s a good time to have a little talk with him about what he's going to do differently next time. If your child is old enough, ask him what he was trying to accomplish, and how he will handle it differently next time. These are the most important questions you can ask because they lead to your child learning how to develop other options. Remember, problem solving is based on coming up with other options to deal with the issue at hand. So don't ask “How did you feel?” or even “Why did you do that?” The only real thing you want to get out of it is for your child to come up with some other ways of handling his anger or frustration. In this way, your child also has his own little game plan to fall back on. When you help your child develop another response to that situation, he will learn problem-solving skills he can use for the rest of his life.


5. Don’t Let Fear of Assumed Judgment Control You
   
   Dont' be a mind reader. Most parents have fears that other people are judging them when their child acts out, so they do things to appease their kids so they’ll behave. I think that’s a mistake. Realize this: people are going to judge you; people judge each other about all kinds of things all day long. But here’s the deal: you're trying to raise your child so he can learn the life skills he needs to be successful. If you let your fear of criticism and judgment control you, you're not going to be able to accomplish your task of raising your child effectively.


6. Don’t Give in When Your Child Says, “I Hate You!”
   
   Fear that your child won’t love you if you set limits on him is something many parents have a hard time with, especially when their child is old enough to say, “I don't love you—I hate you!” But, again, if you give that behavior power, it's not going to change. If you don't give it power and instead understand that it's just a stage kids go through, you won’t be influenced to back down. Kids love their parents; it’s instinctual. (Unfortunately, even kids even love parents who hurt or abuse them.) So if your child says they don’t love you, instead of getting upset, try saying, “Maybe you don’t love me right now. But you still have to do your homework.”


7. Get Outside Help
   
   I recommend that you get some outside help when dealing with this issue. The simple truth is that you can't trust your willpower alone to get you through. Willpower is fine when it works—but as we all know, it doesn't always work. Try to get a support system in place, whether that's training, effective parenting classes, books you read, programs in your home, counseling, or a support group. You should have some outside support. It’s good to make the commitment to change, but in my opinion it's much more important to get the tools from outside and then try to use them one day at a time. And give yourself a break: realize that some days are going to be easier than others.


8. Appeal to the Authorities
   
   If your child is behaving criminally, the sooner you can get him into the juvenile justice system, the better. Although the wheels of justice turn slowly, your child will eventually get a probation officer who will then have the power to hold him more accountable than you can. So when your child doesn't go to school, he will have to answer to his probation officer as well as you. If he misses school enough times, hopefully the probation officer will take some action. I worked with some parents who had a probation officer behind them who supported them. The probation officer would lock their child up in the youth center for a weekend if he or she violated the rules. I saw changes take place in those families. The kids started going to school; they stopped hurting others and damaging property. Their behavior changed because there was an accountability system in place that didn't let them slide.

I always tell parents to understand that there is no quick solution to this problem, especially as the child grows older. Rather, you have to learn how to manage your child’s behavior in a way that diminishes the power of their acting out. The end goal is that your child will learn other ways to solve problems besides using power or intimidation. Just remember, kids don't surrender power easily; neither do adults. Nobody likes to give up power, so it’s not going to happen over night.

In the thirty years I worked with kids, I saw families make progress all the time. They stopped letting their children box them in with their acting-out behavior; these parents instead worked toward the goal of helping their kids learn new skills. Remember that no family is perfect. People make progress, fall back, make more progress, and even fall back again. But in the long run, families changed and these kids learned other coping skills.

Some people say that the parents are the problem, but I don’t think that’s right. I think parents are the solution, and they need training and support.

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Are You Afraid of Your Acting Out Child?
Part II: 7 Ways to Get Back Parental Authority reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Why Giving In To Your Demanding Child Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End

by James Lehman, MSW

Do you walk on eggshells around your child, afraid of doing anything to set him off? Do you appease him when you notice he’s winding up to throw a tantrum? In part one of a two-part series, James Lehman, MSW explains how fear of acting-out behavior sets up a dangerous pattern for your child—and the whole family.

"Now you’re negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out is going to dictate how much you give in."

All parents experience fear for their kids. They worry about their children getting sick, doing well in school, and whether or not they’ll be able to get a job and succeed in life. Being afraid for your kids is very normal, but being afraid of your kids is a phenomenon that has developed over the past several decades, and something that parents need to look at closely. And by the way, sometimes these two fears are actually tied together—fears about their child being able to make it in life actually will cause some parents to think they have to give in more; they become a cushion for their kids because mastering life skills seems so difficult for their child. But let me be clear: that’s exactly what you don’t want to do.

Young Kids: How the Pattern Starts

When a child is two or three, he learns to respond by saying “no” all the time. He starts resisting and asserting his individuality from his mother and father and often manages his anger and frustration by throwing temper tantrums. Some parents learn that you just have to wait those tantrums through, but others begin to worry that they're not able to manage their child or that they are not in control. Others worry that if they don’t give in—if they say “no” to their child—their child won’t love them anymore. In effect, these parents become afraid of their child’s acting-out behavior and are held hostage by it. They get worn down and often begin caving in to inappropriate demands as they try to appease their child instead of remaining firm and waiting the tantrum out.

So their young child develops a pattern of acting out because it works for him—it gives him power and gets him what he wants. When the tantrum happens in public, the parent feels embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed. When it happens in private, they feel stuck in this negative cycle with their child: they're alone in the house and their child is screaming and yelling and kicking. Their life seems crazy and out of control, but they don’t know how to stop it without caving in to their child.

These kids soon learn to blackmail their parents with the threat of throwing a tantrum. Pretty soon, the parent starts giving in as soon as their child starts to signal that they're going into a tantrum: maybe their child’s voice escalates or becomes shrill, or maybe they stomp their feet and scream “no.” Once that happens, a very serious pattern has begun. Now the child has actually trained the parent to give in to their demands, no matter what. If your child knows he can get you to give in by behaving inappropriately or destructively, he's going to learn to give you those cues. It’s just like being in a play: when you get your cue, you're going to read your lines: “It’s OK, don’t do that, I'll get you the toy.” Or you're going to bribe him: “Well, if you can hold off for five minutes, then I'll get you a candy bar in the car.” What you're really doing is negotiating on your child’s terms; your fear that he's going to act out or that you can't handle the tantrum is going to dictate how much you give in.

And by the way, parents don't know this pattern is forming while it’s happening. This is not a conscious thing where people say “I'm going to give in to my kid and then he's going to become a monster.” They’re saying, “Oh man, I can't handle this right now.” And their child learns from that lesson that when you can't handle something, he'll get what he wants. So his goal then, when he wants something and you tell him no, is to set up situations you can't handle. Remember, this is not a moral issue for your child: it's not about being good or evil. Your child is not really conscious of the effects of his behavior other than it gets him his way. Children, like all living things, learn to take the easy way out. The important thing is not to blame your child or assign diabolical motives to his behavior.

It is important to realize that if your child is using inappropriate behavior to get his way, it's not a phase that will magically stop when he turns ten or twelve or even fifteen. That pattern of behavior may continue on through adolescence and into young adulthood.

Acting Out in School: When Your Child’s Behavior Controls Others

If a child has successfully used inappropriate behavior at home, you will often see them trying it out at school. After all, if their strategy works on their parents, why shouldn’t it work on their teachers, too? In kindergarten and first grade if they don't get their way they may escalate. They may tantrum, call people names, throw things on the floor and walk around in the classroom when they’re supposed to be sitting down. It's important to note that for a significant number of children, the classroom structure that teachers utilize will be sufficient to change some of these behaviors.

I’ve found that many of these kids also have a learning disability or some other factor that interferes with their ability to learn to solve problems. Think of it this way: if you have dyslexia, Attention Deficit Disorder or auditory processing problems, you might perceive the world as a threatening place. For these kids, it’s often much harder to learn how to solve social problems through reasonable negotiating, being patient, and learning how to accept no for an answer. So what tends to happen is they solve their problems by acting out—and that becomes their one default skill. They've developed this one trick: “Agree with me or face my crappy behavior.” And that can become their strategy for solving all problems. “Give me my way or face my crappy behavior.” They do this in school, at home, and on the bus and as long as it works, they will continue to use it. Not only is the child controlling others with his behavior, he’s not learning the problem-solving skills that he desperately needs to learn to be able to make it in life. If everyone around him is backing down, all he’s learning is how to threaten and intimidate others through fear.

How This Affects Your Family

Realize that if you have one child who controls the house with inappropriate behavior, this is not just your problem: it's also a problem for your other children. Make no mistake, dealing with an acting-out sibling can have a great and long-lasting influence on your other kids’ personalities. When siblings don’t know when, how or why their brother or sister is going to explode, it’s overwhelming and scary because they can’t control it. What often happens in these cases is that kids develop their own sub-type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They will learn not to show their feelings. They may hide out in their rooms and submerge their emotions. That's because in their world, it's not safe for them to do so. It's not safe to show your feelings; it's not safe to say how you feel. After all, their sibling could explode and take it out on them at any given moment. So these kids wind up very flat emotionally; there seems to be no joy in their lives. There are things parents can do to correct these destructive patterns, but nonetheless, it's hard on everybody. [Editor’s note: for more on this topic, read James Lehman’s article, ”The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings”.]

The First Step toward Changing Your Child’s Behavior

When parents used to come to me with this problem, I’d say, “We’re going to come up with a plan to change what’s happening in your house. Let's figure out some things for you to do when things get tough so you can empower and support yourself.” I think it’s nearly impossible for people to try to rely on willpower alone to change their parenting style. Here’s the truth: their child’s behavior wasn't going to change unless the parents’ behavior changed. I believe if you work at it, things will change; and if you don't, things will stay bad or get worse. The kid who's throwing a tantrum today is going to be throwing your chair across the room in ten years. And that's how he ups the ante as he gets older. Most kids escalate; it's a natural progression. They have to be more intimidating. When you're 13, it's very awkward to lie on the floor and throw a tantrum. It's much easier to throw something across the room and hit the wall. You see these kids punch holes in walls all the time; that is the evolution of their tantrum. Certainly as they get older, the intimidation becomes more real. There are kids who hit and push their parents. There are kids who intentionally break and damage things around the house. There are kids who hit their siblings or hurt them emotionally by calling them foul names. And make no mistake, this becomes a very real problem.

If your child has trained you to be afraid of him and back down when he acts out, realize that whatever authority you had originally has diminished over time. When these kids are really in flower—when they're really showing who they are—you can't tell them anything. They'll tell you to kiss their butts. You can't tell them when to come in at night; if you put them in their room, they’ll climb out their window. Basically, they’ll come and go as they please and they’ll say, “You can't stop me.” The sad part is that unless you change the way you parent and start holding them accountable, they’re right.

In next week’s article, James Lehman will give you 7 tips on how to stop living in fear of your child’s inappropriate behavior—and learning how to start parenting more effectively.

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Are You Afraid of Your Acting-Out Child? Part I: Why Giving in is a Dead End reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

Finding Time For Personal Growth

Often the first thing that falls off the list of busy moms is time for personal growth and development. Reading a good book, attending a class or learning something new just don't seem as urgent as the kids dental appointments, cooking dinner and making sure that everyone has clean underwear and matching socks.

But in order to continue to grow and improve as a human being, you must make time for your own personal growth. And the good news is that it really doesn't take a lot of extra time, either. With some careful planning and these tips, you can have continuing personal growth and be a great mom at the same time.

1. DEDICATE A SPECIFIC TIME EACH DAY OR WEEK FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT.
It could be when the baby is having a nap or when the kids are at school. Or you could arrange a babysitter for a few hours a week. Use that precious alone time to journal, read, pray, meditate, set goals for the upcoming week or month, attend a class or anything else that makes you a better, wiser and more fully evolved human being.

2. JOIN A MOM-FRIENDLY SUPPORT GROUP.
This could be a Mommy & Me group, a group of friends with similar interests, goals and values or even an online group. Choose the group that suits you and your unique needs and don't be afraid to change if it isn't working.

3. EXERCISE YOUR MENTAL MUSCLES.
Reading, crafts, continuing education, a home based business and so on are all ways to keep your mind fresh and make you a more alive and interesting person. Being a Mom is no excuse to be dull, boring and out of touch with the world.

4. TAKE TIME TO NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER ADULTS.
A date with your husband, time out with a friend to go shopping or to watch a movie or to go to the day-spa are all ways to nurture yourself and other important adults in your life.

5. LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF.
Learn to laugh at your mistakes rather than stress about it. And teach your kids to do the same.

6. GET REGULAR EXERCISE.
It really doesn't matter what type of exercise you do. As long enjoy it and do it regularly, you'll look and feel much better. A healthy mind and a healthy body go hand in hand.

7. HAVE A "PLAN B" IN PLACE.
On days when things go wrong have a back-up plan in place. For example, you may have planned to spend most of the day running errands, but now the car won't start. Instead of letting the entire day go to waste, have another plan in place. You may decide to clean out the closet or read that book you've been putting off instead.

There really is no excuse for allowing yourself to stagnate once you become a mom. With these 7 simple suggestions you can continue to be a vital, interesting person and teach your children to be the same.

Pregnant at 40! Oh God, This Wasn't Supposed To Happen!

This pregnancy has come as a total surprise. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 5 and has just started preschool. I was reveling in my new found freedom and spare time ....and then the dratted pregnancy test is positive!

Shock, horror and disbelief! This wasn't supposed to happen! I was done with having babies! I had given away all baby and toddler paraphernalia - clothing, toys, books, car seat, pram, you name it.

I was just beginning to really enjoy me free time and starting to pursue a few of my own interests....interests I had put on hold (or indulged in only occasionally) for the past 15 years.
I spent the first 2 days alternating between crying and yelling at my husband that it was all his fault. As he so sagely pointed out, it takes two to tango!

But no matter how much I ranted and raved, I knew deep down that I had to accept the inevitable. There's a new life growing inside of me, whether I like it or not. I'm a naturally positive and optimistic person, and I pride myself on making the most of every situation that I'm in. I've realized that while I can't control what's happening to me (abortion is out of the question), I can control my attitude.

I can choose to make this pregnancy and the arrival of a new baby a positive experience in my life, rather than look at it as evidence that my life is over. My 5 year old is over the moon about the new baby and I must say that her excitement is rubbing off on to me.

Perhaps having this baby will teach me to slow down and to realize that a successful day doesn't come from having ticked off all the items on my to-do list, but rather from how many lives I have touched in a positive way and how many people I have given my unconditional love to. Perhaps that what success really is.

Do You Know What Goes On In The Mind Of A Bully?

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them

by James Lehman, MSW

Why do some kids turn to bullying? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it's easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. Bullying is the proverbial “easy way out,” and sadly, some kids take it.

Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. They’ve never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they're really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fear—fear that they're going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, “If you'd only do what I say, there'd be peace around here.” So the bully's attitude is, “Give me my way or face my aggression.”

Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. I've seen many families that operate this way. I’m not just talking about the adults in the family, either—there are countless children who throw tantrums for the same reason: they’re saying, “Give me my way or face my behavior.” And if you as a parent don't start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older.

Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They're very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they're going to break something or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn't start when someone is in their teens—it usually begins when a child is five or six.

Portrait of a Bully

Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as I mentioned, is bullying at home—maybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child's ability to learn both social and problem-solving skills.

Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don't have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don't have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don't have to learn how to get along with other people—they just control them. The way they’re solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrained—it has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed.

Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn't know how to get along with other kids, so he's usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he's probably alone. He's not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; he’s roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he's confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. That’s a very seductive kind of thing for kids; it’s very hard for them to let go of that power.

Adolescents and Gang Mentality

When we talk about adolescent bullying, we're entering into another phenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in high school today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups that will attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gang mentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names and questioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them. If a teen or pre-teen doesn't want to be a victim, they have to join a group. The kids who don't socialize very well—the shy or passive types—often become the targets. And the threat of violence is always behind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I think very destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators who ignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kidding themselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to be a lot more accountability.

Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who are the targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullying throughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kids who are targets will think there's something wrong with them, and this vicious cycle—because that is truly what this is—perpetuates itself. Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and control themselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unless there's a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school, nothing will change. It's a challenge, but I firmly believe it can be done.

1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early Age

I think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what a bully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words in your house somewhere):

A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don't want to do.

A bully is somebody who hits other people.

A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people's property.

A bully is someone who calls other people names.

Then you have to set a standard that says, “We don't do that in our house.” Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what the word means, and say, “You're accountable for that kind of behavior in our house.”

I think it’s also important that you talk about how to treat others. Ask your child, “How should you treat others?” And the answer is, “You treat others with respect ; if they don't respect you back, walk away. Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threatening them, or hitting them.” You can also say, “You listen to others. You accept others. If they don't want to play with your toys or they don't want to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that.” This is not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think children need to have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. That way, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it and stop the behavior, both in themselves and others.

2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members. When he’s bullying his siblings, don’t get sucked into his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not give him the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.

When a bully feels powerless and afraid, he's much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control.

Don't forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions—they see the world in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you’ll frequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for their behavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: they believe what they think, and that's what you've got to challenge. You can say directly, “It sounds like you’re blaming Jesse for the fact that you punched him. It is not Jesse’s fault that you hit him.”

Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I think that many try. That's what detentions, suspensions and expulsions are all about—if your child breaks the rules, he should be held accountable, and it’s very important that you let him deal with the natural consequences and not try to shield him.

3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn

Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solve social problems and deal with their emotions without acting out behaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, “What happens when other kids don't want to play your games? What do you do? What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won't give them to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when you think you're right and they're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it?”

Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage his emotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice, how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn how to check things out, and to ask himself, “Is what I'm seeing really happening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad mood today?”

Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If their impulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they have to learn to deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescents have the impulse to hurt others—they have impulses to do all kinds of things. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully are no exception.

4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in School

Kids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home—they should absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And the consequences should go like this: your child should be deprived of doing something he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cell phone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they should write an essay or letter on what they're going to do next time they're in the same situation or feel the same way—instead of bullying. It’s critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solve this problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that’s where you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In the Total Transformation Program, there's an interview process I outline where parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems, rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. If your child is hurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solve problems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that explore emotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so the conversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for their behavior.

I think your child's teachers should handle the process of having your child make amends for his behavior at school. But remember that bullies don't stop bullying when they get home—they often target younger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child is bullying—be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don't forget, your child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people and working things out—is very hard for him. Again, your child is taking the easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning how to negotiate in social situations—in fact, we may work on this skill our whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in your family when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullying as a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work even harder as a parent to coach them on what to do.

When Bullies Grow Up

Make no mistake, if a child bullies, that tendency can stay with them their whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leave school. You'll see them get into their early twenties and go their own way; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, and they stop their bullying behavior.

But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their spouses and kids names if they don't do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers to somebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations.

If you think your child is bullying others, it’s very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his life—and will continue to do so if it’s left to fester. If you expect your child to “outgrow” bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that you’re also taking the risk that he may not—and that choice may negatively affect him for the rest of his life.

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The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.