Homework Hell Part 2

Homework Hell?
Part II: 7 Real Techniques That Work

by James Lehman, MSW

Many parents write in to EP about homework battles with their kids. They want to know what to do about a child who procrastinates or who just can’t seem to stay focused on the task at hand. This week James Lehman shares tried and true methods to get kids to sit down and do the work.

If you threaten your child with punishments or use power to get him to comply, he will simply become more aggressive and more defensive as he digs in his heels—and resists even more.

Homework becomes a power struggle as soon as you try to force your child to do his work and he pushes back. Many parents are trapped in this battle nightly: they’re pulling one way while their child is pulling the other, and in the meantime, no work is getting done at all. Often, when kids start resisting, parents try to use power to get them to do their homework, but for many kids, that will only make matters worse. In fact, you may find that if you threaten your child with punishments or use power to get him to comply, he will simply become more aggressive and more defensive as he digs in his heels—and resists even more.

In the first part of this series, I talked about how you can establish the right environment and mindset in your home around schoolwork. Today, I’d like to tell you about techniques you can use in the moment with your child. If you’re trapped in a power struggle with your child over homework, I’d like to tell you that you may be able to end it sooner if you follow some practical ideas.

1. Keep a Close Watch
   
   For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence while they work. We call that technique “proximity”. Some kids simply need to do their homework at the kitchen table. Your supervision and presence actually will keep them from being distracted.




2. Get Your Child off the Starting Block
   
   Some kids have a hard time sitting down and starting assignments. There's a concept I explain in The Total Transformation Program called “Hurdle Help.” If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, part of Hurdle Help is that parents spend the first five minutes with them. So you get the book started, maybe help them work on the first math problem and make sure they understand the assignment. For many kids who are slow starters, Hurdle Help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help over the first hurdle that will get them going.




3. Challenge Your Child
   
   Another way to get your child to do homework is to make a game out of it. Challenge them by saying, “Let's see how long it takes you to get your homework done tonight. And for every minute that you get it done earlier than X, you get to stay up an extra minute.” (Or you might say, “You get to be on the computer an extra minute” or “You get to play video games an extra minute.”) Then you get your child to try to beat his score from last night. Now, eventually you're going to reach a plateau, and that’s fine—let’s say it’s one hour. When that occurs, you say “every time you match one hour, you get extra minutes.” So your child is competing with himself and you’re making a kind of game out of it with a reward.
   
   
   
   If there’s a big project they have to do for school and you know it’s not going to take them the normal amount of time, you have to estimate how much time it's going to take together. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, you have to help her manage and structure her time. For instance, if her project is due in 30 days, ask her, “How much time are you going to spend on it a night starting now?” She might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold her to that, and keep up with the progress reports the teacher is sending home.




4. The Mid-Evening Slump
   
   Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. First of all, I think that if your child is doing an hour of homework, you should have him take a five minute break after every half hour. So if he's got two hours of homework, every half hour he can come downstairs, have a snack, and stretch his legs. And as the parent, you time each break. Your child has to check in with you when he starts the break and then he has to go back to his room when it’s over. You also want to have positive regard with your child when he’s discouraged. It’s okay to say things like, “I know it's a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.” Or “Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”




5. “The Weekend Starts When Overdue Assignments Are Done.”
   
   This is a great technique for older kids and teens. If your child has homework that is overdue, their weekend shouldn't start until those assignments are done. Your child needs to bring the books home and finish the homework from the past week, and then his or her weekend starts. And believe me, this is highly effective with kids because it's a “real time” thing: each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games. By the way, if they don't bring their books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say, “I don't want to hear that you can't do it because you don't have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from, or you’ll be staying in this weekend.”




6. Homework on Weekends
   
   A word about homework on weekends: the way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend—and as long as he’s done all his work for the past week—he gets Friday and Saturday night off. Sunday night is a school night, but Friday and Saturday night should be free as long as the work is done. If there's a project or something big to do over the weekend, then you work out with your child on how to set it up. He may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekends off too, just like adults do.
   
   
   
   Again, if your child has an incomplete assignment from the week that the teacher sent home, he needs to do it. Then, as soon as he’s done, his weekend starts. No consequences, no punishments, just “Get your work done.” If he doesn’t or he refuses, then you can say, “Okay, no electronics for this weekend, then,” as well as being grounded.




7. After School Activities vs. Homework
   
   Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days, and I understand that. Personally, my priority has always been “Homework comes first.” In my opinion, if the homework isn't done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say, “Here’s the deal: we're not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.” If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice I'm going to get thrown off the team,” You can say, “Well then make sure your work is done, because I'm not going to take you to a practice if you're not doing your schoolwork. That's all there is to it.” I personally don't put football, soccer or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don't believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

If you have a child whom you feel is really struggling and frustrated with schoolwork, realize that it might not be because they’re bored or don't want to do the work; it could be a sign to have them checked for a learning disability. You should be talking to their teacher about their level of distractibility and their level of output in the classroom. If your child has a learning disability, they should get an Individualized Educational Plan, or IEP, that you set up with the school. And remember, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies in raising him. They are not the enemy. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So as hard as it can be at times to bridge the communication gap, you have to find a way to work with teachers for your child’s sake.

All the advice I’m giving here is easier said than done, and I understand that. But ideally, we're trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their schoolwork, and we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn “homework hell” around successfully time and time again.

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Homework Hell?
Part II: 7 Real Techniques That Work reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.

No Means NO - How To Teach Your Child You Mean Business

Homework Hell?
Part I: How to Turn It Around

by James Lehman, MSW

Has homework time become the seventh circle of hell in your house, with you nagging your kids to do their assignments and fighting with them over each math problem? If you and your child are battling nightly over schoolwork, read on to hear the real solutions James Lehman offers to this frustrating problem, in Part I of Homework Hell.

Avoid getting sucked into power struggles with your child at all costs. Let me be very clear here: fighting over homework is a losing proposition for both of you.

Parents get stuck in homework battles with their kids all the time. Either their children get distracted halfway through and want to give up, or they resist doing the work in the first place. As many parents know all too well, this resistance can often take the form of acting out behavior: kids will yell, start fights with you, or even throw a tantrum to avoid doing their work. Sometimes they start their homework and then throw their hands up in the air and say, “This is too hard,” or “I’m bored,” or “Why do I have to do this stupid stuff anyway?” As hard as it can be to not take that bait, my advice to you is to avoid getting sucked into power struggles with your child at all costs. Let me be very clear here: fighting over homework is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry and exhausted, while your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And wind up hating school and hating learning—exactly what you don’t want to have happen.

So why is homework time often so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is because it can be hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, he’s in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing. But when your child comes home, his brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In his mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and maybe watch TV and play video games. So for better or worse, kids often simply don’t view home as the place to do schoolwork.

The good news is that there are effective techniques you can use to end the nightly battle over homework. This week, I’ll be telling you about some powerful things you can do at home to change your child’s mindset about doing schoolwork. And next week, I’ll give you specific tips that will help your child get the work done—and help you leave homework hell behind.

1. Start Early
   
   I always tell parents that the earlier they can begin to indoctrinate their children with the idea that schoolwork is a part of home life—just as chores are—the more their kids will internalize the concept of homework as being a regular part of life. If your child is older and you haven’t done this, that does not mean there isn’t hope for him. It simply means you will initially have to work a lot harder to get him on track with his schoolwork.


2. Make Night time Structured Time
   
   When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done. By the way, when it’s homework time, it should be quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. If your child doesn’t have homework some nights, it still should be a time when there is no Facebook, TV or video games. They can read a book or a magazine in their room, but there should be no electronics. In our house, homework time was usually after dinner, from seven to eight o’clock. The whole idea is to take away distractions. The message to your child is, “You're not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”


3. Don't Fight with Your Child
   
   Make it very clear that if they don't do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. And don't get sucked into arguments with them. Just keep it simple: “Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.” Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it's really important not to get sucked into your child's fight. And when you establish a nightly structure, it will be easier to avoid power struggles over homework.


4. Know Your Child’s Homework List
   
   I think it's very important to know what your child's homework is—parents need to make sure it doesn't get lost in the shuffle. Having good communication with your child’s teachers is key, because your child will have homework every night as he or she gets older. If your child is not handing in their work on time, you can set it up so the teacher will send you any assignments that your child didn't get done each week. You might have to work to get your child’s teachers to do this, but you're going to get important information from them about your child’s progress. And the bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work. That way, when the report card comes home, you—and your child—won’t be surprised by the grades they receive.


5. Establish a Token Economy in Your Home
   
   Don't forget, we want to pay kids in a currency that they desire. Extra carrots are not going to get much out of your child, but an extra fifteen minutes before bedtime or extending their curfew by half-an-hour on Friday night will. (call out This kind of system is called a “token economy”. The “tokens” become the currency, and in this case, the extra time playing video games, watching TV, and using the computer is the money. You want to withhold it or give it out according to how your child is earning it.


6. Map out a List of Rewards and Consequences
   
   Parents should have a list of rewards and consequences mapped out for all their kids. It should be a pretty big list, and might include things like going to the park, going to the movies, and going bowling. Have a section that lists the video games your child likes to play and the TV shows he likes to watch, because this is what he will be rewarded with. I have parents sit down with their kids and say, “All right, when you do well and I want to reward you, what kinds of things would you like to do?” Be sure to include activities that don’t cost money, too, like going to the beach, taking a ride in the car, or playing board games. Then, if your child is able to finish his homework on time for a whole week, at the end of the week he gets rewarded from the list you’ve compiled.

Keep in mind that our job as parents is to help guide and coach our children with their schoolwork, but it’s also our job to let them experience the natural consequences when they don’t get it done. That might mean that they get a poor grade, which is the result of not following through on their responsibilities. It’s so important to let your child experience the disappointment that comes with that, because that will help motivate them to try harder next time. And as a parent, when the report card comes along, if your child is not at some baseline that you’ve determined, (it might be that they should get nothing lower than a B, for example) then they should lose some of their privileges at home. That might mean they can't study alone in their room until they bring their grades up, and you might have to watch them more closely when they do their work.

Remember, a major part of ending power struggles over homework lies in establishing structure, giving consequences and rewards, and getting your child to see that schoolwork is a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle.

In Part 2 of this series, James will give you some specific techniques to get your child off the starting block when it comes to homework, tips on how to motivate teenagers to do their work, and how to handle conflicts with after school activities and schoolwork.

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Homework Hell?
Part I: How to Turn It Around reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents. For more information, visit www.empoweringparents.com

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James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit www.thetotaltransformation.com.